Having Bpd And Constantly Hurting People Around You With Your Anger Issues Is So Painful And The Guilt

Médée

The Handmaiden (2016)

me after my mind tries to convince me that everything that goes against my morals is something that i actually believe in so suddenly im sent into this spiral where i feel like a disgusting insect because i keep thinking of horrifying things and maybe i dont have any morals and i actually believe in the wrong stuff. but no its my brain trying to make me feel guilty and make me feel like my entire existence is wrong and im just a big fat liar and i have never been the right person my entire life

new year, consistently corrosive me

i keep telling myself and others that i never thought i would make it to 18 and its true in a way but i never thought i would be the reason behind it. the future remains illogical to me, like unscrewing a laptop and attempting to dissect the complicated mechanics when i'm no expert and do not even know the linguistic term of someone who specializes in laptops. i am not even a beginner, i was chosen in a random lottery by a greater force that i vaguely and barely believe in (i probably don't) and i had to be here as a creature, a specimen riddled with anxiety and pressure and stomach aches that come and go before the mental breakdowns. i can't even imagine what lies ahead of me and i'm too scared to. i wish i wasn't this old i wish i could just curl into my mothers arms and kiss her cheek and let her caress my face as the afternoon light shines but fails to interrupt my well deserved nap. i wish i could just love the four people i was aware the existence of and not explore the crevices of my social life and remain clean of all emotional ties that cause further pain because i'm sure heartbreak would ruin me. i wish to remain in a jelly form, floating away into the unknown ocean that i am terrified of but cannot help having a bit of curiosity for. i wish i wish i wish. i wish i didn't have to turn 18 as it serves as an unfair reminder for the ill preparation i have planned for my next steps, i wish i could make my parents proud.

the food in little forest (2018) looked so good. it looked good in a way that reminded me of home, in a way that made my heart warm. it was comforting to watch after a difficult day.

It’s rotten work but only if it’s you. When I do it for other people it’s fine, enjoyable even.

Gregorio Fernández - Cristo yacente (1636).

seeing people from your childhood that knew you before you knew yourself is nostalgic but it kills you when you realize they dont know you now