Going On A Walk To Clear Your Head Is OUT. Going On A Walk To Make Yourself Upset On Purpose Is IN

June 20, 1944 source

i have this deep need to stuff myself full of used up dirty towels and let it soak up all my blood so i'm left with just dried organs and i am a useless vessel that is empty of all fluids so i won't be able to cry

and i wish to be angelic and for plants and flowers to grow in the path i walk and not because i am holy but because i am so beautiful they cannot resist

but i also wish to drink all of the water on this world and rub the dirt onto my body until i become part of it and the plants and flowers become part of me and the water flows from the pores of my body and we all become lost in the complete tranquillity and lunacy of it all and my mind drowns in the middle and i no longer exist as a form of anything but a planet in the vast universe of vaster universes and the milky way swallows me up as we wander together

the need to be everything and nothing but more and more until all things are nothing and im just something that doesnt exist

yeah it hurts when u lose people but it hurts more when they just drift away from u. then it feels like an act of fate that cant be controlled and not because of either of u. its just because thats how things are and u cant stop the fact u've outgrown each other or the fact u aren't their person anymore

ill find a new place to be from

i just want my mind to be quiet and my eyes to rest I feel like a foreign parasite in my own body and my stomach is suffocating from being smothered by guilt. i wish i could be normal, was i ever going to be normal? if everything was okay, if it didn't happen, could i have been someone who could feel normally, could love normally, and could leave normally? instead, i'm a small version of a human being that has worry etched onto her heart and tormented by endless stomachaches. i want to go home and be 14 again. i want to be with my entire family and feel like nothing will change and everything is insignificant. i want to go back to even if nothing was different because at least i didn't have to look back on years of abandoned self growth

reading sex is sooo much more fun than watching sex

“your my best friend, now i’ve got no one to tell i’ve lost my best friend.”

….

having bpd and constantly hurting people around you with your anger issues is so painful and the guilt is worse i hate myself