Lucaland - Huh

victims of abuse will be like, this person has now made me cry myself to sleep about 30 times, i have flashbacks of things they’ve done and said to me, they know how to hit me right in my worst insecurity and guilt so i feel horrible for days and months, their comments make me feel worthless and like i shouldn’t even be alive, and being around them makes me feel small and meaningless and sometimes suicidal but maybe that’s just me, maybe they’re not abusive? i have to give them benefit of the doubt, what if i’m not justified to kick them out of my life?

"it's okay, i can peel back the layers of you until i find the soft and gentle core of you you've had to work so hard to hide"? no. no, it's okay, i know you're hollow; i'm here anyway. you don't have to pretend it isn't masks the whole way down. whatever face you want to wear, i still love you. i don't need you to be good or unflinching or the antonym of violence. if i did, i wouldn't be here. i wouldn't ask that of you.

One of the features of abusive family environment is not being allowed to talk about past events. It’s unwritten law that you’re not supposed to mention that one time when your parent screamed at you, swore and called you slurs, broke something of yours, hit you, threw something at you, threw a tantrum and punished you when you did nothing wrong, failed to support you, failed to acknowledge you as a person, dismissed all that you do like it doesn’t matter. If you mention it, and acknowledge that it’s a thing that happened, and something they’ve done, you’re risking them doing it all over agian, just to “teach you better than to mention such thing”. 

It’s normal in abusive environments to always continue as if nothing happened, as if what happened was just some kind of isolated incident that is probably not going to happen again, and you’re scared to cause it again by mentioning it. I’ve seen abusive parents throw unbeliveable amount of rage, threats and violence at their children, disappear for a while, then come back with a smile like nothing at all happened, like the event before wasn’t even real for them, making you feel like you could have just imagined it all. Children would be just so relived that the rage is over, they wouldn’t dare to mention it again, they just wanted it to not repeat. The fear of abuser gets overwhelming to the point where holding them accountable isn’t even a priority anymore, you’re not even expecting an apology or guilt over what they’ve done, you just end up feeling confused and helpless and hope to god they don’t explode again. You focus on tiptoeing around them and praying not to trigger another outburst, feeling like it could be your fault if it happens again. 

These “incidents” are never isolated or accidental, abuser can bring them on whenever they want, to get more fear and control over the household, and they know it. They’re using the outbursts intentionally to keep the rest of the family on their toes, scared and ready to obey out of fear. They know they’ll get more tiptoeing and leeway and get away with anything and get special treatment as a reward for abusive behaviour. 

Other way I’ve seen abusers deal with this is to pretend as if they’re too ashamed or too guilty to talk about those things, and everyone should stop reminding them as they already feel bad enough, of course they’re going to say it angrily, so you know that calling them out is dangerous, and then of course, do the abusive behaviour over, and over again, making is extremely doubtful about just how guilty they feel. If a person experiences guilt and shame after their behaviour, it’s unlikely they will repeat it, because it would hurt them too, so if they do repeat it, it’s more likely that their “guilt” was just a lie.

I actually thought every family had such “secrets” they’re not allowed to mention and it was common to not bring up the dirty laundry on other family members, until I heard a friend chat with their mom about something messed up that happened years and years in the past. I was shocked to hear that to them it was a completely normal thing to talk about, there wasn’t a thing that was forbidden to mention! Mentioning past events wasn’t used against anyone or to hurt anyone, it was just something to learn from and analyze and discuss, and this is normal for all events, everything should be talked about.

In another universe expressing myself isn't accompanied by the heavy unrelenting weight of shame

Impalas By: Unknown photographer From: The White Lions of Timbavati 1977

Warsan Shire, from "For Women Who Are Difficult to Love"

when you grew up as a lonely uncool girl it will never stop haunting you by the way. you will meet a cool person at a bar or the train station or at a friend's party and you can wear your most stylish outfit and striking eye makeup and you will swear that they can see through all of the facade and see the lonely terribly insecure teenage girl you used to be who desperately wanted to connect and you will swear that they know that there is like an insurmountable gap between you. this will happen forever

If you lived with abusive parents, it meant that the rules changed for you any moment. You could have been praised for something most of the time, then suddenly one day it brings a punishment instead. You could have been allowed to do certain things until one day you got tortured for doing it, and afterwards you couldn’t even know if it was alright to ever do it again. Some things were only allowed when parents were in forgiving mood, sometimes things you absolutely had to do, you knew you’d be punished if anyone saw you doing it, or if they found out. 

You never knew what the consequences would be. You could be wildly overpunished for something as simple as failing to close a door, saying the wrong word, having a certain face expression. You would get blamed and punished for things you didn’t do. You would get punished for someone’s bad mood. You would get punished for existing next to someone who was angry and wanted a punching bag. 

There was no consistency in your life, you had to live tiptoeing and hoping you would somehow do the right thing and avoid torture, the rules would change and twist and turn against you no matter what you would do, you developed a sixth sense to figure out when someone was irritated or upset, and you would still end up hurt and abused. 

And you got told this is normal, this is just how life is, everyone has it like this. You don’t doubt it or see it as abuse, it’s just your every day, you can’t imagine living a life where you’re safe, where you don’t have to expect thousand horrible things to happen if you make a tiny mistake that you initially had no idea would even be a mistake.

Now think about that and tell me where your anxiety came from. What living like this continually would do to a person. Because once you lived like this, this mindset doesn’t go away, it’s what you’ve learned to live with, what you’ve been forced to live with if you didn’t want to be in pain every second of your life. How would you not panic and over analyze your every word? How would you not try to predict just what kind of horror could come from most mundane and common action? How would you not at least try to brace yourself for the next torture someone might have ready for you? Your senses are not wrong, they’re trained to do this, they’re experienced in trying to help you survive life in abuse. 

Hilary Mantel, from Wolf Hall (Thomas Cromwell, #1)