Persephone: WOKE UP NOT GETTING CHEATED ON

Greek Gods As Things I’ve Said

Zeus: I may be a whore, but I am a whore with power.

Hera: Denial and homicide- my two favorite coping mechanisms.

Hades: The fact that you all haven’t realized that I am probably going to be your landlord in hell is sad.

Poseidon: The ocean is full of plastic, just like the world is full of idiots.

Hestia: Ah, home. Mine constantly feels like it’s on fire, especially when it actually is on fire.

Demeter: Eat your goddamn grains you whore.

Aphrodite, screaming: JINGLE BALLS, YOUR DAD’S SMALL, I SUCKED DICK LAST NIGHT-

Ares: I’m not saying violence is the answer but if these math problems were people they’d be dead already.

Apollo: At least we have music and memes to dull the pain that is our existence.

Artemis: I don’t want your number you stupid male I want to hunt you down and end you in the woods because it contributes to the mood, now fuck off.

Dionysus: Wish I could just run off in the woods and rip people apart and get nasty.

Hermes: The future is meaningless but the thievery is now.

Hephaestus: If hitting it with a hammer doesn’t fix it, you’re not hitting it hard enough.

Athena: I have come to the conclusion that I will be alone simply for the fact that everybody else is fucking stupid.

Persephone: Fuck you mom, you make my life more like hell than actual hell.

Hades: Since we’re going to Alaska for a while, i’ve left all of you a complimentary bowl of advice.

Hades, picking one piece of paper out of the bowl: For instance, “Theo, stop doing that” just applies to everything.

Hades: You're standing on thin ice.

Thanatos: I'm standing on the floor.

Hades: It's an expression.

Thanatos: It's the floor.

Persephone: *yawns*

Hades: I guess being pretty is tiring?

Persephone: You must be exhausted then.

Hades:

Hades: *intensely blushing*

Aphrodite: Ares just told me that I make him happier than drugs. That’s some serious shit right there

Cerberus: DAD DAD LOOK MOM GAVE US A FLOWER CROWN

Hades: That’s great but you know she’s not your mom right?

Cerberus: YAY OKAY DAD WHATEVER BY THE WAY MOM SAYS HI.

Those are the prettiest eyes in this universe.

Change my mind.

The god of the underworld and the goddess of spring

Thanatos: As your best friend-

Hades: Persephone is my best friend

Thanatos: AS YOUR BEST FRIEND,

John: I’ve been dropping him the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response.

Brian: Wow. He sounds stupid.

John: But he’s not. He is really smart actually. Just dense.

Brian: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don’t know… “Hey! I like you!”

John: I guess you’re right…

John: Hey, Brian! I like you.

Brian: See? Just say that!

John: You can’t be fucking serious?

Brian: If that flies over his head then, sorry Deaky, but he is too dumb for you.

John: ...