And It’s Good!

Words can’t fully capture how I’m feeling today.

Maybe “shitty” is the closest way to describe it.

Anyway, I have a therapy session tomorrow, and I’ve decided it’ll be my last one with this therapist. I need to transition to a psychiatrist to get a formal diagnosis—my provisional diagnosis still hasn’t been released, and honestly, I just miss my original therapist.

When I was working with her, I felt like I was making real progress. Every session was productive, and I could feel myself growing. With my current therapist, it’s different. I feel unheard, like she’s focusing on things I’ve already moved past or on situations that don’t align with where I’m at mentally right now. Maybe that’s just her approach, but it’s not working for me.

IDK. I’m just ready for clarity and to feel like I’m actually moving forward again.

It was 2021, and I had just come out of a relationship with someone who was extremely possessive. It was like I could finally breathe again. For the first time in years, I felt free—free to hold my phone without constantly glancing over my shoulder, free to choose what I wanted to wear, free to spend time with friends, and attend parties without the weight of someone else’s control. It was empowering.

But that freedom didn’t come without its struggles. In the first few months of being on my own, I was hit with a wave of anxiety and uncertainty. I had been so used to someone else dictating my life that I didn’t know how to fully navigate it on my own. It was a strange feeling—after fighting so hard to get out of a relationship that stifled me, I found myself a little lost.

No longer having someone control me was a relief, but it also meant I had to adjust to taking responsibility for everything myself. The simple things I’d once been comfortable letting him handle were now on me. It was daunting, but I reminded myself that I’d fought for this freedom. I wasn’t going to let the discomfort pull me back into old habits.

One of the hardest parts was getting back online and socializing again. I had fallen off the radar for almost two years—no social media posts, no updates, nothing. So when I finally reappeared on Facebook, my friends were shocked. The first messages I received were along the lines of, "Wow, where have you been?!" They were right—two years is a long time to go dark.

Reconnecting wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. I struggled to respond to messages and reach out to people. It was like I had forgotten how to socialize after being isolated for so long. I felt out of place, like I didn’t quite belong in the world I’d left behind. I wanted to rekindle friendships, but I was afraid. Afraid of rejection, afraid of the awkwardness, and afraid of not being the same person they used to know.

But little by little, I’m finding my way back. It hasn’t been smooth or easy, but I’m learning to embrace this new chapter of independence. Every day, I remind myself that this journey is mine to navigate, and no matter how slow the progress, I’m moving forward.

There’s something irresistible about seeing the world through rose-colored glasses, isn’t there? The way everything glows with possibility, how hope somehow softens reality’s harsh edges. I’ve always been that person—the one who walks straight into the fire, not quite realizing until it’s too late that I’m bound to get burned.

When I meet someone new, be it a friend or a lover, I’m quick to embrace the beauty in them. I’m captivated by their quirks, their charm, their flaws that I somehow convince myself I can fix. It’s as though I’m spellbound by the idea that, despite what everyone else sees, this connection is different. "No," I think, "they don’t understand." And while the people around me see warning signs flashing like bright neon lights, I remain oblivious, wrapped in the fantasy I’ve built around this person or situation.

Perhaps it’s my unwavering belief in the good in people, or maybe it’s the romantic in me that refuses to let go of the narrative that love, friendship, or loyalty can conquer all. Others whisper in my ear, gentle but firm, “Can’t you see? This is going to hurt you.” But their words are like smoke in the wind—there one moment, gone the next—unable to penetrate the dream I’m living in.

Time and time again, I find myself drawn to those whose hearts are closed off, whose intentions aren’t pure, or whose presence in my life is anything but good for me. Yet, I stay. I convince myself that if I just hold on a little longer, the tide will turn, the light will shine through the cracks, and things will change. I remain, steadfast in my denial, until—inevitably—the story crumbles, and the weight of reality hits me like a wave.

And then, there’s the aftermath. The unraveling of everything I thought I knew, the sudden clarity that leaves me breathless, wondering how I didn’t see it all along. It’s a bittersweet symphony, really—this constant cycle of falling for the wrong people, making excuses, ignoring the inevitable, only to be left standing in the ruins of what could have been.

But I suppose that’s the price of seeing the world in a way that others don’t. I chase after the dream, the ideal, the promise of something beautiful, even if it’s fleeting. And though it often leaves me with scars, there’s something tragically romantic about the fact that I’m willing to risk the fall. Because deep down, I believe that one day, amidst all the red flags I so easily ignore, I’ll find something real, something worth holding on to.

Until then, I’ll continue to stumble blindly through the mess, still hopeful, still searching, and still seeing the world with those rose-colored glasses—until they finally shatter.

Good night!

It's too powerful I just wanna die.

Hip-hop has always thrived on beef, and 2024’s rap battle between Kendrick Lamar and Drake, fueled by Not Like Us, has been one of the most exciting in years. But as great as Kendrick’s diss is, it still doesn’t come close to dethroning Tupac Shakur’s Hit ‘Em Up as the greatest diss track of all time. What sets Hit ‘Em Up apart is its sheer venom—Tupac didn’t just take lyrical jabs; he launched a full-scale verbal assault. From the opening line—"First off, f** your b**** and the clique you claim"*—he made it clear this wasn’t just about music; it was deeply personal. Unlike Kendrick, who approaches his diss with surgical precision and slick double meanings, Tupac’s rage was unfiltered and raw, making every word hit harder. Beyond just lyrical skill, Hit ‘Em Up carried real-life stakes. The East Coast vs. West Coast feud was at its peak, and the track was a direct response to Tupac’s shooting at Quad Studios, an event he believed Biggie and Diddy were involved in. This wasn’t just about rap supremacy—it was about betrayal, survival, and revenge. While Not Like Us is a cultural moment, Hit ‘Em Up was a cultural earthquake. It didn’t just trend; it intensified an already deadly rivalry and remains one of the most infamous tracks in music history. The energy, the disrespect, and the direct name-dropping make it unmatched. Tupac didn’t sneak diss or hide behind subliminals—he outright humiliated his enemies, turning rap beef into all-out war. While Not Like Us is a masterclass in calculated disrespect, Hit ‘Em Up remains the blueprint for all diss tracks that followed. It wasn’t just a song; it was a weapon, and no diss track before or after has carried the same level of aggression, impact, and cultural weight. Until another rapper delivers something with more emotion, rawness, and stakes, Hit ‘Em Up will remain undefeated.

Disconnect to Reconnect: Why social media detox is good for your mental health - A Personal Journey

In today's digital age, social media has become an integral part of our daily lives, offering us connectivity, entertainment, and a platform for self-expression. However, amidst the curated feeds and constant updates, there lies a hidden impact on our mental well-being that often goes unnoticed: the exacerbation of insecurities, anxiety, and low self-esteem.

The Allure and the Pitfalls

Social media presents an idealized version of reality, where filters and carefully crafted posts portray seemingly flawless lives. Scrolling through these feeds can unintentionally lead us down a path of comparison, triggering feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. We find ourselves unconsciously measuring our lives against highlight reels, forgetting that behind every perfect picture lies a story untold.

The Pressure to Conform

Platforms thrive on engagement, driving us to seek validation through likes, comments, and shares. This pursuit of approval can escalate into a cycle of seeking external validation, where our self-worth becomes intertwined with digital metrics. The fear of missing out (FOMO) further intensifies as we witness others seemingly living their best lives, fostering a sense of inadequacy if our own experiences don't measure up.

Impact on Mental Health

Research increasingly links heavy social media use to heightened levels of anxiety, depression, and diminished self-esteem. Constant exposure to filtered realities can distort our perception of normalcy, fostering unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others. The pressure to maintain an online persona can lead to anxiety about image, performance, and social acceptance, detracting from genuine self-discovery and acceptance.

Rediscovering Authenticity and Self-Worth

Logging off social media offers a respite from the relentless noise of comparison and validation-seeking. It provides an opportunity to reconnect with our authentic selves, away from the pressures of digital expectations. By stepping back, we can recalibrate our perspectives, focusing on personal growth, real-life connections, and meaningful experiences that nurture genuine happiness and self-esteem.

Cultivating Healthy Digital Habits

Rather than abandoning social media entirely, cultivating mindful usage habits can promote a healthier relationship with digital platforms. Setting boundaries, such as limiting screen time, curating feeds that inspire rather than induce envy, and prioritizing offline activities can foster a balanced approach to social media consumption. Engaging intentionally and authentically can transform our digital interactions into sources of inspiration and connection, rather than triggers for insecurity and anxiety.

Embracing Self-Discovery and Growth

Ultimately, the journey towards combating insecurities, anxiety, and low self-esteem begins with self-awareness and self-compassion. It involves recognizing the influence of social media on our mental well-being and consciously choosing moments of digital detox to prioritize inner peace and self-discovery. By nurturing a positive self-image rooted in authenticity and resilience, we empower ourselves to navigate life's challenges with clarity, confidence, and genuine fulfillment.

In the quiet spaces between notifications and updates lies the opportunity to reclaim our sense of self-worth and embrace the beauty of our imperfect, yet extraordinary, lives. Logging off social media, even momentarily, can be the first step towards rediscovering the profound joy of being truly present in our own stories.

Don't know if I should fight or fly.

No I love yous

Dear Diary,

It's hard to put into words the heaviness I've been carrying lately. The constant battle with my old self, always comparing and competing, is utterly exhausting. It's like I'm stuck in this never-ending contest, and it feels like I'm losing at every turn.

In my mind, there's this imaginary competition, a race against the version of me that used to be. It's haunting to witness, as if I'm continually falling short of my own expectations. It's suffocating to grapple with the idea that I'm not measuring up to the person I once was.

And then there are these other competitions I've conjured up in my head, comparing my life to the lives of those around me. It's as if I'm in a race with shadows, competing against illusions of success and happiness. The pressure is overwhelming, and it seems like I'm drowning in an ocean of self-doubt.

Tonight, the weight of it all feels unbearable. I find myself yearning for an escape, a release from this relentless struggle. The idea of ending this suffering crosses my mind like a dark cloud. I envision a peaceful departure, just drifting away to somewhere unknown, free from the weight of these imaginary battles.

In my darkest moments, I even entertain the thought of becoming a ghost, liberated from the constraints of life. The idea of floating somewhere, scaring people as an ethereal presence, almost seems like a twisted form of freedom. It's a morbid fantasy, I know, but in this state of weariness, it's hard to see any other way out.

I write these words not out of a desire for sympathy but as a desperate attempt to release the turmoil within me. Maybe tomorrow will bring a glimmer of hope, a shift in perspective, or the strength to confront these haunting thoughts. For now, I'll close this entry with a heavy heart, hoping for a brighter tomorrow.

I hope it went well. *fingers crossed*