Rejected

Porcelain

i often stare at the work of others wondering whether or not my products will ever be as good. will my wobbly, thin walls of my pottery ever be as perfect and smooth as the girl's who's is showcased with blinding lights? will my art ever look and feel the way i had always hoped? will myself ever be the way i dreamed it'd be? i know people always crave what they don't have most, yet i crave for everything i already do. despite having talent i still believe i'll never be good enough because i, myself, know it is not talent. people worship for things they could only dream for, lacking any sense of what one went through to get to where they're at. i, myself, don't disregard such hardships, rather i envy them. i stare at myself within the reflection and believe i have done nothing of worth. everything i have, i do not have because i am simply never good enough.

~ m.n.

White, Green Season

i am typically what one would call a therapy friend. i listen. i hear the person out. i give advice if they wish for it. such is such. it repeats often. many people need a shoulder to keel over on or an outside ear to listen in.

i don't mind, infact i'm honored they trust me enough to say what troubles them. i see people constantly mull over the same issues and i help them in a different way every time. i don't get bored, rather i let them talk, rant, let it out.

it's nice to let it go. to feel your shoulders be relieved of the tension that had pent up. not many people offer me a shoulder, but i don't mind.

it feels intimate or personal knowing ones struggles and seeing them prosper. it gives the crinkle to my eyes as i smile softly to myself within my dimly lit room. atleast i was able to make someone feel better.

it's like seeing the green after a harsh winter. spring had always been my favorite season for a reason.

~ m.n.

Depression

my father suffers from depression, as do i. we cope differently, yet he seems to think otherwise. frolicking within the greens of earth isn't something i dream to do. i stare outside my window at the falling frozen h2o molecules. i like remaining inside, the comfort of my room, where i know it's a safe haven. my blankets drowning my sorrows as my chest rises and falls for hours at a time. when will be the next time i am peeled away from my resting place?

i say the four walls that structure my sanctuary is my special place. it is safe. my parents nod, trying their best to say they understand. yet i can hear their thoughts since they flow out of their mouth like a river.

"you should try coming out of your bed more. you'll feel better."

i won't feel better. i'll never feel better. depression is eternal and only a facade will help myself to pretend it has left the husk of my body.

summers pass by like a rest placed onto a sheet of music paper. my fingers dance around on the piano keys just as i do with avoiding the unhidden truths. i choke back the burning sensation within my throat. what is my worth?

~ m.n.

Time Reversal

i truly wish i could rewind time. to the time i had a loving group of friends. to the time i laughed uncontrollably every day. to the time i felt secure. nowadays i stare at the screenshots i took of old group chats and wonder where it all went wrong.

it feels unfair for people i care so deeply about to be able to walk away so easily. did our friendship mean nothing? why does texting daily dwindle down to small glances within the halls of the school; back down until i'm unnoticeable at all.

i wish i had the confidence to stand up to my issues, yet i sit and allow time to work its path. i wonder what my life would be like if i told them how scared i am to loose them instead of allowing them to degrade me into the person i am today.

if i could turn back time, would i do it? would i push the button? would i flick that switch? my internal longing says yes, but my heart disagrees. i have found my people. my new friends love me for me and would never leave over something so minute. i will continue to endorse my being into these people i care for so because they reflect the mirror back at me and it is not empty.

i tend to forget that i do have a loving group of friends. i do laugh uncontrollably every day. i feel secure with my love for others and their love for me.

~ m.n.

Loved

i want you, i need you. infact, i can't live without you. i crave your touch that i never got to experience. i want your lips on mine, a comforting notation to our love.

until

everything turned from present to past.

i wanted you, i needed you. infact, i couldn't live without you. i craved your touch that i never got to experience. i wanted your lips on mine, a comforting notation to our love.

you didn't love me, you kept up the act well though. in the end you didn't try hard to keep me, in fact i believe you wanted to get rid of me as soon as you realized how boring i was. as in boring i mean, pushing you to be better, pushing you to reach out, allowing you to cry and having me listen to your weeps.

i think you loved me, but not enough.

~ m.n.

"look for the perfect person who completes your puzzle. albeit, look for one who compliments you rather than one who fills in the holes you leave empty."

~ m.n.

Birthday

it's my birthday, but i feel no older. i always have had the privilege to have a party with love filled to the brim every year. albeit, i remember feeling unexcited for the one day written towards me. my one special day and yet i felt empty. why is that so? as i grow older i realize how foolish i was to wish to grow older quickly. i thought being older would mean that i have more control over my life, yet i feel that's still untrue.

i never took anything for granite. i opened every card slowly just only hoping for the handwritten "we love you, happy birthday." if there was anything extra i appreciated everything so much. i took every present i received and kept it, it'll remain by my side until the day i die.

~ m.n.

Happy Holidays 🎄🎁

i hope you all have a wonderful holiday today, whether you celebrate something or not !

~ m.n.

i have an ao3 account !

i will be posting fics irregularly and whenever I have time ! i will, however, create fics in fandoms that I am in. that being said I have a joongdok (joonghyuk x dokja) fic in the making ! 💗

hope to see you soon

~ m.n.

Anger

i always wondered what i deserved to feel the wrath or plague of an angry person; for worse, an angry parent. to see a parent spout indecencies when a minor inconvenience happens just makes me glad of the patience i harbor. the constant

"why does everything bad happen to me?"

makes me sit in silence as the world around me spins and yells.

i have more to say, but not the words to explain it.

~ m.n.