I Choke On My Own Spit.

I'm a girl.... WELL! TIME TO CROSS DRESS! Just let me text my mom so that she doesn't freak the fuck out.

You were just sucked up and abducted by a UFO. The alien inside addresses you, “Is this translator working? Listen. I need you to pretend to be my boyfriend for three days so my parents will get off my back about it.”

I never knew I needed this until now

Drawing is fun again!!! Have these doodles!

Me: Return it My mom: What?!- no I can't retu- Me: It is ugly. Where is it's tail? Why is it screaming? It stinky. Return it.

You are a siren, a rather young one. Today your mother, the leader of your pod, introduced an unfamiliar little squishy pink thing to you as your little sibling.

yo gang ur likes r public (i dont really care just. yk 👍)

Just fixed it! And I swear to fucking god if you say anything about what you saw I will tell everyone in the girl's locker room you simp for fiction characters...... LOVE YOU BESTIE >30

". . . That explains why everytime I sneeze I commit arson" "WHAT?!" "Who said that?! Not me! Nope!"

"An initiate's mana could be imagined as a flame. Most are small candles to bright torches. And we at the Order help these flames flourish into something useful... but you're a raging wildfire."

I feel bad for her. Cause subways are usually loud, and she's hungover.

Me in a Gru costume: And tonight... we steal.... THE MOON!!! Little kids dressed up as minions:*cheering loudly*

Today there is a solar eclipse set to cover the sun with 100% totality for a duration of 4 minutes, 28 seconds. However as time passes, the eclipse continues for 5 minutes, then 7, then 10. Half an hour passes but the moon has not moved and Earth remains in darkness

*holds up frying pan* Easy way or hard way

You're not the only one with insomnia, right?

Me and Leon are hashtag twinning with insomnia 💥

Now have fish cat defy physics

sometimes I feel like a little kitty cat

Me: Okay, so from what I can tell, you just acted on your intrusive thoughts? Other me: Pretty much. We're the same except for all the laws I broke.

Your are your normal, boring self. Today, however, you’ve been abducted by the government to interrogate a super villain from another dimension - Yourself!