Nicoledavisss - Wistful Thinking

Unfortunately I’m the type of person that you can screw over 1 million times and I would still be there for you if you needed me.

(via awkwarddly)

I miss you

I just want this to be some awful nightmare and I'll wake up in your arms to your smiling face telling me that it was all just a bad dream and that everything is okay. I miss you so much, it hurts. It feels like we're drifting apart sometimes and it's slowly killing me. And what kills me worse is that someone else gets to hold my whole world. What I would give to make you mine again. You tell me to move on, but I guess you just don't understand the way I feel. I just can't get you off my mind no matter how angry you get with me and no matter what mean things you say. Please come back. I miss you dearly.

Late Night Thoughts 4/1/18

I feel angry and sad at the same time tonight. I want to scream, yell, shout, punch something, and cry all at the same time. I feel this way a lot lately and I don’t know what to do to make it better. Medication does nothing to help. The only thing that I’ve noticed makes any sort of difference is marijuana. Mary Jane is the only one who can make me feel better, but it’s only when I’m high that I feel better. When the high wears off, I feel miserable again. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can smoke all the time, but I refuse to get behind the wheel when I’ve been smoking. What do I do when I have to go to work? How do I make this feeling of defeat go away? Do I just need to cry it out? Will that make me feel better? I thought that being alone was the problem, but I’ll be honest, I’d rather be alone than be with someone that can’t make me happy, or doesn’t understand what I’m going through. I think I just need someone who will understand and won’t judge me. I pretend to be happy but deep down, I’m hurting. I don’t wanna feel this way anymore. I just want to feel happiness all the time. But how? I thought that suicide was the way to go when I was younger, but I realized that taking your own life isn’t right. It may take my pain away, but I would never want to put that pain on those I love, even if it is just family. I just don’t know what to do or where to turn to. I try to talk it out with friends and family but it’s like they just don’t understand what I’m going through. I’ve thought about speaking with a therapist, but I don’t know how much they can help. I just want to feel better already. I’ve spent the last 17 years trying to fight this. It’s only gotten worse and I’m exhausted. I’m done fighting, and I’m done feeling like no one understands.

Sometimes,

I wish I could go back to being a kid. When I was a kid, life was so easy. No worries about money, not having my heart broken into a million pieces, the newest technologies or getting a licence. All I wanted to do was hang out with my friends, play outside, play video games, and crush on celebrities. I hate that I had to grow up just to work a shitty job for shitty pay to try and make ends meet, to deal with stress on a daily basis, to deal with my heart being broken so many times, and to lose the people who were very close to me. But, I keep my head up and work through them because I have a lot to live for and I’m not gonna waste myself away stressing out about stupid crap. My family, my close friends and my boyfriend are all that matter to me and they are the ones who keep me sane in this place I call hell.

I’m free

I’ve finally moved out of there. Moved out of the shit hole I was in. The place where I couldn’t have any privacy and was paying half of the bills when there were 5 people living there. I was done, and I finally made the move and I couldn’t be more happy because for once I finally have privacy. I’m so happy with the place I live now. It’s beautiful. The neighborhood is quiet and the area is so relaxing. I’ve been through a lot when I was living where I was before but now things aren’t so bad. I have nothing to stress about. Nothing to worry about. The feeling is so foreign to me. I’m genuinely happy. I haven’t felt this happy since I was with my ex so it honestly feels amazing. I don’t think anything can really trump my mood. My now ex roommate was threatening to take me to small claims court for the rent money but she has no probable cause when she’s broken every single rule in the complex and I broke none. She moved people in without putting their names on the lease; she changed the deadbolt on the door when the 2 that moved in with us at first moved out cause she was afraid of them showing back up to the apartment. Who would want to? I didn’t even want to come home after work everyday cause I couldn’t stand being there. She also has her dog and the other one has her cat and neither of them paid for the animals to be there. So, I told management about all of this. You wanna threaten me, I’ll get you kicked out for negligence. Try me.