Nicoledavisss - Wistful Thinking

I don't

wanna lose my bestfriend. I feel like we're drifting apart and I don't like it at all. Please don't leave me alone like this. I want it all to go back to how it was before. When we talked on the phone at night and we talked for hours about nothing. What I would give for all of that back. I hate this feeling so much. I wish I could could have it all back.

August 3, 2019

Well, here we are again. Another night of frustration and bickering. When is it going to end? I do everything to make sure you’re happy and yet you still treat me like shit. Okay, I’m not SUPER motivated, I agree with that but for fucks sake, I at least try to motivate myself and do better and you know this. I do care and you just don’t see that. I know damn right, you’re on POF talking to other girls while we’re still in a fucking relationship. I ought to leave you for that shit but I love you too much. I just want shit to be the way it was when we first met. I want the old you back. The one who confessed that he was in love with me one night after he drank too much. The one who only wanted to cuddle and love on me. The idiot that makes jokes and tries to play fight with me. Now all I have is a man who doesn’t want to look at me half the time. All you do now is belittle me and make me feel like absolute shit. I hope you know that all of this is gonna make me never want to love again if we do end up breaking up for real. I just want us back. I miss it more than anything. You grabbing my hand and showing me off to the world whenever we walked together somewhere. All the times we used to go to the movies just because we had nothing else to do. The times we’d drive to the beach when we didn’t have the money. I won’t ever forget the time that I begged to have you go on vacation with me and Tyler because I wanted you to be there. You convinced us to go to Miami. I had such an amazing time with you. The time we drove to Key West and then made plans to go back and sell stuff. (Even though we never did it lol) I was still happy about the idea because you came up with it. I miss all the nights we would go for walks just to talk about whatever. I miss everything. Late night drives and talks. Please, give me another chance to show you that I’m better than this. I can’t help but cry and cry now because I’m disappointed in myself that I’m not even good enough for you. I really do love you so much.

you ever know what it's like to lose the person you love? that pain that you feel because you feel as though it's all your fault? I lost the man I love because I feel like I fucked up so bad. I feel like I did everything wrong. As much as he tells me it's not all my fault. I'm always gonna feel that way. He tells me that he's giving me another chance to show him I'm changing but he's out on a date with someone else. I'm so confused /: And the way he talks to me.... Talking to me like I'm a stranger when he's drunk. Why? He says he hates to see me hurt, but yet he's gonna talk to me that way.. What did I do to deserve this? Why me? Why us? We had everything. Yes, we had problems but what couple doesn't? Okay, so I haven't shown him my ambition. Alright, I get that. But if you really loved me like you say you do, you would've tried to push me harder then you did. I love him with my entire being. I believe he is the piece I've been missing all of these years and I don't wanna give that up. I've got hope that once I show him how serious I really am, he'll change his mind and want this back. It hurts so much. The sound of his voice soothes me and makes me think things are okay but then reality kicks in and all I wanna do is die... I wanna crawl under a rock and die. I can't deal with this pain and I'm afraid I'm gonna die of a broken heart because of this. I can't eat, I can't sleep. All I can do is toss and turn and panic. I don't wanna hurt anymore. I want us back. I want everything we had back. He is my best friend and my whole world. Since he left, my world has crashed down around me and I feel so alone. I'm glad he's still in my life, but I don't like not having him in my life as my boyfriend. I thought we had a future together? We talked about it all the time. All I can do now, is show him that I'm changing and hope for the best. He says he's moving on with his life because he doesn't believe that I'm changing. I can't wait to show him how serious I am. I don't wanna move on. He means everything to me. He will always be my number 1. And he'll always have my heart. And I'm glad to know that I will always have a huge part of his heart. All I can do is hope....

You’re everywhere 

You would think that I would feel better since we've been broken up for over a month now, but in reality I've gotten worse. Each day that goes by stabs me with the pain of everything that happened. I wish I could change your mind and make you happy again. I miss you more and each day. I'm so happy that we still talk, but you say there's no chance of us getting back together but deep down inside I feel like that is a lie. I feel like there still is a chance. Please God, why me? Why did this have to happen? Why can't you help me fix everything? I wish I had a time machine, or that God would give me a miracle and everything would go back to how it was when we were both happy with each other. I'm still praying that time will bring us back together and you'll see that we were meant to be together. I've changed so much, and I hope you see that.

I do, I do. You never cease to amaze me. When I'm with you, I can't see anyone else. Damn boy, you make my heart flutter.