Req’d By @a-popcorn-kernel​

@hopeswhcre

Lmao an AU of my AU.

The Force watching Obi-wan be made by some crazy person. Technically Obi-wan is an artificial child of the Force. They don't have the same connection to the Force as a true child would but its enough that the Force loves them like an adopted child. Even if their new kid cant talk to them directly, only able to sense the Feelings the Force sends them.

The Force does not like it that the crazy person decides that their new adopted child should be decommissioned as a failure.

Force decides to nudge the Jedi into going to get Obi-wan.

They watch their adopted child grow and when Obi is like 15 (still struggling with being so different from everyone else) the Force decides Obi seems lonely and they had been wanting to have another child anyway.

Anakin is born. When Anakin is 9 the Force nudges the Naboo shuttle to Tatooine. The Force drops Anakin into Qui-gon Jinns path.

Force kinda gets grumpy when the jedi try to separate their kids. When Qui-gon dies and joins the Force, he gets to hang out and watch over their kids.

The council is still on the fence about letting Anakin stay. They already had to deal with Obi-wans insane childhood of him trying to hunt people to eat them if they were too dark in the force. Did they really want to deal with potential Chosen One bullshit?

When Obi-wan tells Yoda that he's gonna train Anakin the Force shoves the message of 'listen here u little shit, you keep my babies together or so help me-' to the little green master.

Anakin who CAN talk to the Force like they're a physical person in the same room looks at Obi-wan and goes "Oh! My parent says your my big brother. They also say Master Qui-gon and them are real proud of you."

Obi-wan tries very hard not to tear up.

The council is like "your parent?"

"Yeah. They say you call them the Force... Also they say that you better be nice or they are gonna let everyone know what happened on Alderaan last year." Anakin says, making eye contact with several council members.

Mando weeb Obi-wan decides to nickname the Force Buir. Anakin likes it and adopts it.

It leads to things like

"Buir says you need to eat more." *said to Obi-wan constantly*

"Buir said to take you to the healer halls." "Buir is a snitch." *anakin to Obi-wan who's hiding an injury*

"Buir says sorry for the shatterpoints. They didn't know it would do that." "That what would do that?" "They say im not old enough to know yet. Maybe in a couple thousand years theyll tell me." "... Where is Obi-wan?" *conversation with Mace Windu*(the force did some mystical eldritch magic mushrooms once and when they sobered up shatterpoints were a thing)

"Buir wants to talk to you." "Do this, how would I?" "Uh, they said meditate really hard. They'll try yelling and see if you can hear them." "Hmm bad idea i sense this is, try it I will." *conversation with Yoda hours before yoda falls into a Force induced coma for a few days while he, the Force and Qui-gon hang out*

The jedi also have to handle a child that can sometimes alter the very fabric of the universe to get extra dessert. They mainly let Obi-wan handle it since apparently Obi is the only one able to put Anakin in timeout without the Force getting grumpy about it.

I love the idea of Palpatine being outed way early by Anakin (age 10) who now has 0 filter for what the Force is telling them since they aren't going to get in trouble by a slave master for repeating it.

"Buir says you're a sleemo. It's not nice to pressure someone into giving you contact with a child." Anakin says in the middle of a gathering of senators. The Force had been ranting about Sheev being mean to Obi-wan for hours now.

"Anakin!" Obi-wan pretends to scold even tho he really didn't want to be here or let the Chancellor near his brother. Buir had been sending the very bad vibes.

"Well I hardly think an innocent invite to a small thank you party is pressuring." Sheev says trying to stop the side-eyes the senators are now giving him.

Anakin (who is now saying word for word what the Force is saying): "Calling someone every day for weeks and implying you'd cut funding to the temple if he didn't let you have access to me isn't an innocent invitation. Especially since you also implied you wanted more private meetings after."

Obi-wan sees the look of absolute rage on Sheevs face and decides it's time to go. He grabs his padwan and runs. Ignoring the instincts demanding he go back and EAT the Chancellor of the Republic.

The next day headlines all over the holonet are like 'Chancellor Palpatine on the run from authorities after being accused of trying to groom child'

Anakin to the council: "Buir says hes a Sith, so your welcome."

Obi-wan also in the council chamber: "Oh! So THATS why i had the strong urge to eat him."

The council sits in horrified silence for a while. Until Yoda sighs and says he'll be taking another vacation to talk to the force.

Sidious still tries for the Clone Wars. Only the Force is like not about that. They like how things are chill right now. Their kids are having fun doing Jedi things.

They have Obi-wan and Anakin find Kamino 3 years early. Both Anakin and Obi-wan kick Jango and the other trainers off planet. These clones are their family now. Looks like the jedi are getting a lot of new members. Just gotta get these chips out first.

The war still breaks out. Palpatine is head of the Separatists. Angry that his clone army was stolen he commissioned droids to replace them. His plan now is to crush the republic and jedi with brute force instead of a carefully executed betrayal, not hiding that he's a sith at this point.

Ahsoka is not the Forces child. At first. The council gives this feral child to Anakin to take care of and train praying that they will both mellow out. Shes perfect. Shes the same brand of disaster that the rest of them are. The force is constantly nagging at Anakin to give her sweets and wrap her in soft blankets and teach her how to stab better. Anakin learns very quickly that a feral Togruta with a laser sword hopped up on sugar isn't a great idea. That maybe listening to the eldritch being with no physical body for the sugar high togruta to latch onto with their teeth isn't the best plan for raising a child. How did Obi-wan manage this?

Obi-wan, having flashbacks to his padwan changing shape into a horrible nightmare fueled beast in the dead of night before crawling into Obi-wans bed or lighting a man on fire with his mind for flirting with Obi-wan too long or the time he simply tore a hole in reality to get another slice of cake, laughs and laughs and laughs. Cody pats him on the back. Clearly his adopted jetii'vod is having a breakdown.

I want one of those scenes in a dude bro film where “tomboy” chick has to wear a dress to go undercover or whatever, but instead of the guys drooling as she walks down the stairs, they’re like “k. U need to stop. Go put the cargo pants back on. You look super uncomfortable and awkward in that. Brutus, you go be the fake prostitute.”

REBLOG if you have amazing talented artist friends!

Reblog if you think asexuality is a legitimate sexuality.

I’m trying to prove something.

Every species has their own system of codes and ciphers. Every species had hidden or lost treasure. But no species ever made there’s as needlessly complicated as humans did.

They coded everything, from their names (nicknames), to their door locks (who doesn’t use bio locks in this day and age?). They coded so much that it seemed to be ingrained in them to solve these codes.

Humans started being hired by historians of other species trying to uncover their own history. Normally one or two per team was all that was required, more if your species had a history of traps.

Quite suddenly, lost histories of every species were being discovered and shared. It was the largest boom of historical knowledge the universe had seen. For every planet except Earth.

Every historian who’d ever asked a human for help eventually turned their attention to the humans own history and lost artifacts. Many were too scared to actually go to the deathworld, but they started sending more and more advanced technology along with human explorers.

They dove into stories of human lore. Everything humans claimed lost over the years. A city. A pilot. A ship. A mountain. An island. They dove into these for clues and anyway they could offer their humans assistance in finding their own histories.

Slowly, they did. One at a time they discovered the truth in the stories and found these precious treasures.

But then they discovered the stories of monsters and gods. Already this far, they dug into those as well.

The truth behind those were not as reassuring. Terrible things in history that seemed tamed by the humans own lore. When they brought this to the humans attention, the response was not one they expected.

“Yeah, we knew where those came from. We prefer the stories we came up with.”

Historians across the known universe stopped, and it became a common rule to accept human stories as presented, lest you uncover a much darker truth.

 the only criticism of millennials l accept

ONE of the most important rules of the Galactic Federation concerns humanity. If a human ever says “Hold my beer”, either stop them, or run.

Humans are weird: Their own worst enemy

( Please come see me on my new patreon and support me for early access to stories and personal story requests :D https://www.patreon.com/NiqhtLord Every bit helps) Taken from memoir of Levire Gaston

“When my people first made contact with humanity I must speak truthfully and admit I did not think much of them.

Their bodies were not but soft flesh and brittle bones and their egos were even more fragile. They were quick to anger, lacking in the nuances of conversation, and seemed to prefer the direct approach in all matters as if it was something to be proud of.

I had spoken out against allying ourselves with them as I saw little to gain from such an agreement but my government thought it would be better and aligned ourselves with the pink skins.

The day I went alongside them to war is one I still remember as clear as day after more than two centuries.

It is truly an astonishing sight to watch a professional human warrior go about their work. All their brashness, all their stubbornness, all their childish habits are turned off with the flick of a switch and they became the monsters the universe seems to now label them as.

Their efficiency was matched only by their ruthlessness as they laid waste to our enemies. I watched a platoon of them charge across open ground while under heavy fire with only one surviving to reach the other side; what’s more rather than retreat the soldier continued the mission and destroyed the enemy emplacement even as their life’s blood ran out of their wounds like rivers of anguish and pain.

I had expected the soldier to expire from their sustained damage or retreat back to the safety of the rear lines to recover, yet they merely bandaged themselves with a small medkit and cauterized their more severe wounds over a nearby flame before continuing on.

After the battle I sought out that human soldier and over time we became close friends. Despite the many wars we fought together over the years to come I had never saw them lose focus or cower in the face of overwhelming odds. Truly they were a beacon of what all who carry arms should strive to.

Even after we exited military service we remained close friends and we corresponded frequently with each other. On several occasions we even met each other’s families, our bond of brotherhood remaining strong as ever.

One year I remember inviting them to a hunting trip on my homeworld for a relaxing getaway. The forests of the Great Chasm were rich and vibrant with all manner of life and we collected many a trophy. Yet so fervent had we been in the hunt that we had lost track of time and found nightfall surrounding us while we still lay miles from the nearest vestiges of civilization.

My friend insisted they we hurry back and leave but I told him that these woods warped perspective at night and we would become lost in the branches. They continued to say if they dropped their trophies and just left now we could make it, but I merely laughed and began setting up camp for the night.

As night finally consumed us we sat around the fire and shared a drink from my personal container. They seemed to need it more that night as I noticed their eyes never seemed to rest on a single spot for long and when he stretched his back he was actually using it as an excuse to look behind him. Something was clearly bothering them, but when I asked they merely laughed and evaded the question.

We sat by the fire for two hours before I went to sleep while they continued to stoke the fire and keep their eyes focused on the darkness.

I’m not sure how long I was asleep for when I was woken by the sounds of gunfire. I threw my blanket off and raised my own weapon that had been by my side. What I saw as my eyes blinked into focus was something I had not witnessed in all my life.

My friend, survivor of a hundred battles and a dozen wars, was whimpering and sobbing like a new born babe while firing blindly into the night.

I called out to them and demanded to know what they were firing at but their response was mumbled and distorted.

“It’s out there.”

That was one of the few things I could understand from my friend.

“It’s out there and it wants me.”

When I tried to ask who was out there I heard a night comoko bird howl and my friend spun on their heels and fired wildly. I dove for cover as they continued firing erratically, chunks of wood and stone flying like a blizzard as the bullets tore through them.

I heard a distinct clicking sound and knew they had run out of ammunition. As soon as I heard the magazine being ejected I rolled out and tackled my friend to the ground.

“Get a hold of yourself!” I remember shouting over and over as they struggled in my grasp.

I got a glimpse of their face in the moon light and it was like nothing I had seen before.

There was nothing there but pure fear.

It smothered him so deeply in its embrace that they had lost all reason and logic and only wished to survive from this unseen horror.

When they reached for their knife I knew I had no choice and punched them square across the jaw so hard they blacked out till next morning.

They did not speak a word to me the next morning when they did wake up, nor on the trek back to where we had left our vehicle to return home. Only during the ride back did they speak of what happened, and then we swore never to speak of it again.

While I was nestled in the comfort of slumber my friend was awake in the dark, and in that dark place his mind began to wonder; their mind becoming ever more warped and strung with each passing minute.

Every creek of wood became an unseen voice, every rustle of leaves a growl of an unknown monster, every animal call in the night the herald of a nightmare coming to slay him.

I had hunted many years in those woods with my father and not once had I felt the things they described to me. I told them this and said that everything they heard was natural for the forest, but they just shook their head and sighed.

“The mind hears what it wants to hear.” They said to me.

After they left to return to their own family I did some research on what they said and found to my horror that they were not entirely wrong.

The human capacity for imagination was well known, but what was seemingly overlooked was that humans lacked the ability to turn it off. Their minds could jump from thought to though faster than they could even breathe and what had started as the whimpers of a small rodent had led to my friends mind believing it was hearing the cackles of a nightmarish creature from beyond.

Their very mind had created the fear that drove them to madness.“

I like stories where a normal human child is being raised by a sinister supernatural being who is totally malevolent except when it comes to their kid. Those are so much better than the “kids are scary” changeling type horror movies.

Okay but so one of the Clone Empire AUs (AU where the clones take charge of the republic, usually from the seat of Mandalore and take over the galaxy but keep the Jedi but sorta… like pets??? But spoiled pets, not like the senate kept them) but told from the POV of the Jedi being currently kept inside the temple. They’re not really allowed out of the temple, NOT because they’ll run, but because the clones are paranoid af of them getting hurt (90% of the reason the clones took over was cause they were horrified at the senate treating THEIR Jedi like that) but they’re letting certain senators stay to help pick up the pieces of the galaxy (Anakin is in a pretty bad depression in the temple because Padme is allowed to leave to go to the senate but he isn’t allowed to leave without escorts and usually Rex basically putting a child leash on him and it’s giving him some bad feelings about it all) and the Jedi being nervous about it all.

Thing is. The force is CONSTANTLY telling them this is the correct thing to do. They’re supposed to give control to the clones. Clone empire will save the galaxy. But also, they’ve started talking in Dai Bendu around the temple almost constantly, shiftily walking away when the clones come over to talk to them if they’re in groups, just nervous stuff, like skittish cats.

Cody had to get Alpha 17 to come by to talk to Obi-Wan and Anakin before either of them would stop hiding in Obi-Wan’s apartments all day. Obi-Wan hasn’t cuddled with Cody in a month and that’s VERY concerning. Not that they’re together, it’s just that Obi-Wan likes using Cody as a bed and Cody is addicted to seeing Obi-Wan sleep for once. Alpha had to come by like a concerned dad and gently coax them out of hiding and back to being regular temple inhabitants.

Rex, in a move of desperation, drags them off to the temple salon (beauty, not tea in this case, the temple does and should function as it’s own city which means food and clothing production as well as other things like that) and makes them both get massaged till they’re purring piles of Jedi Goop and is pleased with his babysitting duties. A new haircut and getting rid of tension does wonders. They’re fairly normal after that. Obi-Wan goes back to teaching an Alderaanian poetry class (and supervising kiddo art classes) and Anakin is building a new security system that he’ll integrate soon, and Rex is smug to have gotten them the most normal so far.

The Jedi are skittish tookas who want to hide after this blow to their safety and lifestyles, but the newly instated council (which involves doubling the numbers so the clones can discuss the changes and how things will work with the Jedi) is working on a way to get them back to their true calling: peace keeping.

Basically, the clones start their own empire and use a very firm hand on the Jedi to get them to stop being attack dogs and start accepting love and help now. They are never forced to go on a mission with less than 20 clones from then on.

Bly and Aayla get married in the Room of a Thousand Fountains and Quinlan was delighted to give his baby girl away. Here, take her, she’s very annoying. Obi-Wan and Anakin finally get into a long awaited fight about how Ani got married but never invited his master and Obi-Wan is still hurting from it. Rude. Yoda is terrorizing the frog population with Initiate Grogu. Yaddle has more class than those idiots. Qui-Gon’s force ghost shows up and Fives is the only clone in the room that can see him and won’t stop staring at him with big dumb tooka eyes and Qui-Gon is gonna make him shit his pants he just knows it. Rex and Cody are trying to placate their idiot Jetii (Ahsoka was dragged back to the temple and dropped in Anakin’s lap and it was the most normal he’d been in years and they are inseparable now but Ahsoka ain’t getting in the middle of that lmao) with cuddles and hair pets. Padme is throwing up in a bush because she doesn’t know she’s pregnant and this is the start of a lovely bought of forever sickness. Ugh. Anakin and Obi-Wan finally settle their differences when the clones decide they’ll have another ceremony next month for Ani and Padme. Fox is drunk and dosing on a bed of flowers with a fully grown nexu guarding him, having decided he’s his cub now. That’ll be an interesting relationship. Alpha finally picks Obi-Wan up under his armpits like a cat and says if he can’t stop being grumpy it’ll be naptime. It’s very annoying. One of Bly’s troopers shows up with his foundling he got on Concordia when they were raiding a Death Watch camp, named Din, who has managed to catch Grogu and is cuddling and kissing him into submission. Grogu is delighted, and has found his soulmate.