*Warning* For Sanism - Super Hurtful/offensive Stuff About People With Mental Illnesses

I'm on the arospec and yesterday I had dream about my best friend and I being in a relationship and it brought me pure joy and delight in the dream so much so that I felt it after I woke up and i have never before thought of us that way and now I'm ajsjsjsk- so confused

I hate it when people do nice things for me on my birthday because I know that I don't deserve any of it and I'm a horrible person and I'm an imposter and I deserve only bad things but then that hurts too, but this hurts also

In case someone is reading this, just a trigger warning for death and stuff okay

yo, since I was a small kid whenever people were angry at me, they'd say that I was a burden and that they'd never met a child like me and they they wish they were gone/dead instead of having to deal with me and whenever I did or took something (like food for example) when it wasn't eating time without asking they'd ask me why I was eating during such a time and if I finished the last piece of something they'd be like oh you didn't ask anybody else if they want it, you're so selfish and y'know stuff lkek that, they'd never let me have complete freedom y'know, and now whenever I ask if I can eat something or like finish something or like ask permission or when I can't make decisions on my own properly or when I don't do something, like take a class or whatever because I feel like I'd be wasting their money or do tiny tiny stuff so that I'd seem invisible or not want them to do some things for me, they'd be like why aren't you doing that - like why are you asking permission for such tiny things, you should know to make your own decisions and like not to worry about other stuff and do the things you're interested but now, at present, at this age, I literally cannot, and they just don't get it that the things they've told me when I was a kid have been conditioned and engraved into my brain and it's difficult to heal from that.

Me : *watching something in peace*

My grandpa : ayyy, what's this ridiculous thing you're watching, change it and watch something else - there are so many good movies blah blah blah

Me : *thinks back to when he was watching a movie where a few misogynistic assholes were talking about a girl as if she was sex object, slut shaming her and literally texting her asking if the b in her name stood for blow job*

Me : I don't know why but I have a feeling your version of "good" and my version of "good" are quite different,,,,,,

S*icide "joke" / "not joke" -

People : Mental health and mental illness and ND awareness blah blah blah

People : Suicide is not the answer

Also people : How are you going to survive in this world if *lists and complains about various symptoms neurodivergent people/pw mental illnesses have* [hence - suicidal ideation. like??????? the math is so simple?????? which part do you not get?????]

Also people : We can't give you concessions cause we're all going through tough times and it would be unfair, so suck it up

||

If you want ND people and pw mental illnesses to live, then make the world a livable place for us. suicide is not the answer, I absolutely agree. but neither is enforcing norms and standards which are exclusionary and HARMFUL in nature and on top of that not giving concessions or being understanding. you can't have both.

For a while now, I had been procrastinating thinking about how I felt about certain things; how uncomfortable I feel when people refer to periods as something that is a "cis woman" thing, how uncomfortable I feel when my friends send me posts or made comments which were directed at or about solely cis women, how disturbed I feel when people call me a "woman" or a "lady", the feeling of discomfort and disgust in my throat and tummy when people say things such as, "perks of being a (cis) woman", how I always felt that sick feeling when people gendered things, as if it were only for "cis females".

At first, I thought it was because of how cisnormative it was, how gendered - but then I realised that I've been feeling these feelings since I was small, since I was a child. I had absolutely no idea about the lgbtq+ community back then, I had no idea what "gender roles and norms" were, I wasn't even aware of what feminism meant- so it surely wasn't because of that. Then I forced myself to believe that I was in the process of getting over my internalised misogyny. After a lot of introspection, I realised it wasn't that either. With the help of a few of my friends, I could finally admit that it was because I wasn't a "cis female", it was because I was a demigirl (/an agender girl) - to myself and to them.

Figuring out my gender identity wasn't easy, it wasn't the same as figuring out my sexual orientation. There were days when I would beat myself up - calling myself a fake person, a wannabe. I didn't think that my feelings were valid because I didn't actually mind my body - I didn't have dysphoria; little did I know, back then, that body dysphoria wasn't the only type of dysphoria that existed, and moreover, I didn't have to experience dysphoria to be nonbinary.

I invalidated my own feelings, I refused to acknowledge them, I was afraid of talking to others about it because I didn't want them to confirm my doubts, my insecurities - so I shoved my feelings into a box and hid them away.

But now, after a lot of introspection and a lot of external validation, I finally feel secure with my gender. I am an agender girl, which means, though I do not mind the label 'girl', I do not identify with the meaning people have assigned to it; I do not identify myself as any gender, I am genderless. My pronouns are still she/her. I comparatively feel more "girl" than "agender" - when it comes to the label - but that doesn't make my identity any less valid, that doesn't make *me* any less valid.

My identity is not an oxymoron, my identity is not a buzzword which I find interesting, my identity is who I am, and who I am is not up to you to judge, who I am is up to me to own and accept.

\\

If someone asked me to explain my gender to them - eventhough I know I don't owe anyone any explanations - it would be somewhat like this :

Imagine you were born in a world with no labels, no categories. You don't know what gender is, you don't know what it means to be a girl or a boy or neither or either or both. Imagine you were a person with XX chromosomes, a uterus, a vagina and boobs and that was it. You don't know you have a gender, you don't know your parts and your chromosomes have a sex - you just know you have certain characteristics and that's it. Suddenly, a person from another world classifies you as a girl and you're okay with that, it's a simple classification, doesn't hurt anyone - but then they assign that label an identity, you. You are identified as that label, and on top of that more gendered labels are identified with you. But that's not you, you don't feel that way. You don't feel like boobs are a "female" thing, boobs are just boobs, when it's forcefully called "female parts", you feel sick, you feel like shuddering and curling into yourself. When people say that boobs are an advantage of being a girl, your entire body shakes with disgust, when they add meaning to the label "girl", you feel shaken up, you feel revolted.

But weirdly enough, until they assigned a meaning to the label "girl", it was just an empty word, and you were okay with that.

That is how being an agender girl feels like.

//

the fact that nobody has yet written a fanfic of Elodie, Tabitha and Moe being in a polyamorous queerplatonic relationship is a goddamn crime-

cishets™ : why do you have to make everything gay

me : we don't make everything gay, y'all made everything straight when you decided to close your eyes to how queer history actually was, and enforce heteronormativity and cissexism to such an extent that pointing out how un-cishet things actually were seems to you as if we're making everything gay, when in fact things were always already pretty much gay and you were just too bigoted to see it

when you remember that Niall wrote multiple songs about girls who like to have one night stands, who didn't want to commit or want labels, without victimising himself or slut shaming them, instead promising them unconditional acceptance, respect and non judgement, and you fall more in love with him than you already have 😌

mesh

I want the kind of love shared by Christina Yang and Meredith Grey; the kind of love shared by friends who’re soulmates; the kind of love where I will never feel like an outsider in my own relationship, no matter what kind it may be; the kind of love where no matter what stupid shit I spout, I will be met with fond exasperation and never scorn or judgement; I want the kind of love where anything problematic I say or do will be received with grace, a space for remorse, and reparation; the kind of love where my quiet, empty days will be accepted, and my boisterous ones appreciated; the kind of love with whom I can get drunk as fuck with without hesitation; the kind of love I feel safe sleeping on their shoulder with; the kind of love for whom I wouldn’t regret giving my all and more to; the kind of love who understands which love language I need to be communicated with on what day; the kind of love where there are no blips in communication; the kind of love where there is no fear of being too much or not enough; the kind of love where I feel I am the exact right amount of me; the kind of love who won’t attach sexual overtones to physical intimacy; the kind of love where my mind immediately hollers their name when I muse about whom to share my writings with because it knows they’d want to read it; the kind of love where we both feel safe and secure showing our most rotten parts to; the kind of love where we both feel safe and secure showing our best parts to; the kind of love that is not romantic and not platonic and not sexual; the kind of love where I can regress when I feel soft; the kind of love where I can rage when I feel small; the kind of love where you choose each other, where you stay decisively, love purposefully; the kind of love you are at home in.

 [p.s- wanting ≠ lacking]

 -kpm ©