I Think More Than Jealousy, The Emotion I Feel When My Parents Tease Me When They Say They Have 4 Daughters

I deleted my previous rant in the hope that my post would be posted since the reason they showed was I had reached my limit, but nope. hahahahaha🙂

Can someone recommend books which have a trauma informed/schema theory perspective/non-ableist non-sanist or even an anti-psychiatry take on personality disorders?

Warning for mention of abuse and wanting to die :

I used to be an abusive friend when I was in 5th/6th grade. My friends used to always replace me with new friends, I'd always be left being, always the second choice, sometimes never the choice during my younger ages, so when I formed friendships and best friends in 4th/5th/6th and so on, I used to be a bad friend. I would pinch and threaten and hurt my best friend saying that she couldn't be best friends with someone else if she still wanted to be friends with me; I'd throw a tantrum and lose my temper at almost my entire class if they didn't play games the way I wanted during P.E; I used to lose my temper quickly and yell and shout and even get violent when I couldn't deal with my emotions; my memory is so messed up right now, but I remember that my mother used to have issues with my paternal grandma and she would take out her anger and emotions out on me when I was a child. She once destroyed a fancy pen my dad bought for me - who used to be at work a lot of the time - and I screamed and yelled and gosh, it was horrible. My grandparents used to say that I was the most disobedient child they'd ever met and that they wished they were rather dead than see me; my uncle once told me that he'd rather have anyone else as his niece/nephew rather than me. And people used to make all these comments which were super hurtful and I used to be scolded so much by everybody and being a disobedient child, everyone was angry at me at one point or the other. I used to be criticized for my voice, because it's a little high pitched and my family would scold me and mock me and keep telling me to stop speaking like a baby, they'd also scold me for tiny tiny things and make super harsh comments.

I guess everything together, like water droplets forming an ocean, messed up my emotions.

The only reason I'm saying the following is because I'm anonymous and the guilt is killing me, making me feel like I deserve to die and deserve to be abused and deserve nothing good and I feel sick - I used to take my anger out when I was in the first grade, 6 years or so, on my pet dog. I used to pull his tail and ears and sometimes hit him and fuck fuck fuck fuck, I I can't. Ididn't know how to deal with emotions, all I knew was how to explode and I'd take out my emotions on my dog and I've been feeling guilty and sick and absolutely disgusted at myself for the past years and I feel like I should hurt myself to make up for the hurt I caused him and every time anyone mentions him- we were super close otherwise, he was my bestest best friend - I feel like crying and punishing myself. My heart aches and my tummy clenchesclenches and fuck, I can't. Please please please please forgive me, please let me tell me how to atone for this please please please somebody. I wrote a letter apologising and kept in in his grave when he passed away, I still can't help but sob when I think about him and I'm sobbing as I'm typing this because I love him so much so so so so much and I showed him love, but I also hurt him and he must feel so betrayed so confused that somebody who loves him and who he loved hurt him and my heart feels like it's being torn open and hot lava is being poured inside.

Anyway, um, my bpd...

There are so many things, so I'll just type it out in bullet points (warning for mention of self harm and suicidal ideation) :

1. Not being able to express certain emotions properly because they're labeled as "negative/toxic" and are seen as a trademark of people with BPD, such as jealousy or anger. So I have to try extra hard to portray anything close to these emotions because I don't want to be seen as manipulative or toxic.

2. Feeling like having a mental breakdown at the TINIEST things - even a small criticism, or a small, passing harsh comment could ruin my day and make me want to self harm. Sometimes even results in suicidal ideation.

3. Feeling so numb, all the time. Feeling like there's no motivation to do anything. Feeling like I need somebody to tell me what to do, to make me do stuff all the time. The feeling of emptiness, hollowness sucks and I rarely feel any emotion completely.

4. Feeling like I hate somebody and that I don't need them in my life (even if I cognitively know it's untrue) if they say something that wasn't what I wanted to hear, or wasn't the right thing to say, or if it was a passing remark. That feeling of betrayal and that they never loved me or understood in the first place, that they don't care about me. The feeling that people are temporary and replaceable and disposable which has formed as a defense mechanism.

5. Intense emotions, oh gosh, sometimes I "overreact" for the tiniest things and have outbursts which I regret and don't even make sense later on. A deep rage fills me and my head just wipes out and I don't even realise what's coming out of my mouth, I can't think before I speak, or wait before I type.

6. The guilt, fuck, the guilt. It makes me feel like a horrible person and it consumes me and I feel like I need to punish myself, I deserve to not be loved because of the kind of person I am.

7. The jealousy and possessiveness. Not only over people, but over pets and toys and other things too, such as favorite books and actors and characters and songs. I don't know if this possessiveness (this feeling of they're my safe thing/person etec) is a symptom of bpd.

Me to me : Hit me with your best shot

*afterwards*

Me to me : I TAKE IT BACK!!!! I TAKE IT BACKKK!!!! FOR FUCK'S SAKE, I TAKE IT BA-

I feel so bored and lonely and empty and I want to meet someone new and form a connection and go through the getting to know them process again, but I until and unless I feel an instant "click" with someone, I feel bored if I'm talking to them online - do you see my frigging dilemma

Can someone please send me resources or links or anything at all to send it to people to prove that we should stop using "narcissistic abuse" as a term?????

Unpopular opinion:

The whole "adults can't be friends with kids, it's just grooming lite™" is a product of adult supremacy. By saying that adults can't have healthy relationships with kids unless they're family/students, and adults can only be mentors not friends insinuate that children aren't individuals who have intellect, autonomy, agency, thoughts, and feelings of their own. It insinuates that adults always have to impart something, that kids never be equal, that kids can just *be* around adults.

When I was a 12th grader, i was friends with kids from kindergarten, 3rd grade, and 7th grade. How was i friends with them? I treated them as equals. I respected their opinions and views. I didn't advice them, didn't make things about me, didn't treat them like mindless dolls. I had discussions with them about religion and feminism that they initiated. I talked about their friends and my friends and the things we like. I never spoke down to them, never demanded that they speak to me in a certain way, never felt offended when they talked to me as an equal. Told them not to refer to me using age-based terms. I asked them doubts when I didn't know the meaning of certain words they used or what they were referring to. I respect boundaries - spoken and unspoken. Never told them certain things "aren't meant for children, you wouldn't understand", instead I told them that I didn't know how to explain certain things in a particular to help them understand. I changed the onus.

The first step to dismantling adult supremacy is realising that children have things to contribute, that they have a whole ass personality of their own. It's realising that all concepts such as boundaries, consent, peer pressure and so on that apply to adults apply to kids as well.

Remember: equal doesn't mean the same. I wouldn't talk about sex in front of my friend who's uncomfortable with sex related topics. I wouldn't talk about gorey R rated films with friends who get squicked out by them. So why would it be hard to not mention such topics around children?

Unless kids have examples of healthy relationships with adults, how can they identify unhealthy relationships? If what they see and learn is that relationships with adults mean listening to advice and preaching, always being treated as unequal, then how are they supposed to be empowered? How are they to believe that they are their own person and do have a voice and a place in this world?

List of movies I want to watch but cannot find ANYWHERE

Billy Elliott

Vita and Virginia

Looking for Langston

Rafiki

wish I could leak my own nudes anonymously so that my family would finally stop fucking slut shaming and body policing me ://////

The first time I read Ursula Le Guin’s The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas, my chest constricted with the passionate onslaught of too many thoughts, too many emotions, too many opinions. No matter how many perspectives I could logically think from, my brain circled back to the outcry of why no one spoke up, why no one resisted, revolted. How strong could be the ones who walked away? After all, walking away is the easiest thing one could do. It didn’t take much for me to unlearn that; just Louis’ outburst of leaving being the hardest thing to do, as he says so in COAGDP, was all it took. And when I tried that angle, I understood. I understood what Le Guin was trying to convey, what she wanted to make us see. It was a statement; it was saying: “this world was built for me. This suffering is meant for my happiness. This is all I’m aware of. I choose to not be happy. I would rather leave to a place I know nothing about, a place I don’t even know exists, than be happy at the cost of a child, of someone being collateral damage, for my happiness. If this torture is for me, for my sake, I would rather live a miserable life in the unknown.” It was not just brave, it was revolutionary.

Staying there, fighting for change, would lead to: “do you want us all to suffer just because of your selfish ideology?” / “do you want our lives to collapse just to save one child?” / “does this strange child mean more to you than your loved ones’ happiness?”. The age-old argument of collective good versus the wellbeing of an individual is one with an answer that’s a double-edged sword. There is no end, no solution; strength comes in many forms, many faces, and sometimes turning your back on all you’ve known your entire life is the strongest thing one can do to make a point.  

We see this in all the people who’re the black sheep of their family; the leftist, the feminist, the divorcee, the queer one, the atheist and the agnostic, the free-thinkers, the child rebels, the child who questions; we don’t see much of them, because they’re forced to hide underneath cloaks saying something different – “anti-national”, “violator of culture, of family values”, “the reject”, “the one with conduct issues”, “the heathen”.

Walking away is many a time metaphorical, and it doesn’t always mean the same thing; but when one has lived their whole life as a frog in a well, jumping out isn’t escapism, it is resistance.

-kpm