Blythe Baird, From If My Body Could Speak; “Concerns From A Hot-boxed Jeep”

movies where someone hears an important message only once and retains all the details….

girl if that were me, we’d be fucked. I have to reread emails like 4 times.

Fyodor Dostoevsky, Crime and Punishment

Sleeping Bacchant by Károly Lotz (19th Century)

need a fleabag rewatch desperately and soon. to deal with this horrible feeling that i am a. greedy, perverted, selfish, apathetic, cynical, depraved, morally bankrupt woman who can't even call herself a feminist. or something.

When your fall in love with your flatmate

The second part of my fic: When your flatmate is a jerk

Warning: Smut, explicit sex

(Eng is not my first language.)

After patching things up with James you became good friends. In the end, nothing happened between you two, and you decided to bury in the back of your mind those feelings that your flatmate waked in you. If there was sexual tension between the two of you, you both decided to ignore it. That was easier than trying to figure out where that unusual relationship could lead. 

In the time you had been friends you discovered a playful and childlike James. When he genuinely smiled his eyes sparkled and he looked so soft that your heart could melt. Also the coming and going of women had stopped and on nights when the ex-soldier couldn't sleep you would set up a fort in the living room and watch movies until you fell asleep, ending up always waking up in your own bed the next morning.

Over time you had come to realize that what was really going on was not that James couldn't sleep but that he was afraid to do it. When he closed his eyes the war came back and nightmares haunted him. It only happened once but Barnes was very tired and you were watching a documentary which he found very boring. He fell asleep and before you knew it his body was shaking, his fists were clenched and he was sweating. You tried to wake him up and when you finally did, what you saw broke your heart, James' eyes tinged with terror. “Shhh, you are here.” you whispered trying to calm him down. You tried to touch him but he shunned you as if your skin burned. 

"I'll go take a shower..." he blurted out as if nothing had happened and before you could say anything else he disappeared. You never commented on what happened and James never fell asleep again. He always did something to prevent it and you were well aware of it. 

Sometimes you realize that James was still keeping secrets like the card you found while you were doing laundry. It was all wet and crumpled but still readable. It looked like a support group for war veterans. You were happy for him but also hurt that he didn't tell you anything about it. Well, it's not like he had to do it but still... You spent the rest of the day thinking about it, you wanted James to trust you in the same way you had trusted him by telling him about your life and problems. Yes, maybe he wasn't the same as you, but you weren't just flatmates, you were… friends… 

At dinnertime, you were distracted and Barnes was quick to notice. That night it was your turn to cook dinner and you had left the fridge open, you almost burned the vegetables you were cooking and it was impossible to keep a conversation with you. 

Those blue eyes could read you as an open book and he was pretty sure that something was off. "Anything happened today?” he didn't take long to ask you, beating around the bush wasn't his thing. You were so caught off guard that the plates in your hands fell off. You immediately bent down to pick them up and cut yourself on one of the broken pieces. 

“Fuck…” you sobbed on the verge of tears, not because it hurted, but because you realized that your friendship with James was not enough for you. He rushed over to you and before you could react he sat you on the counter and pulled out the first aid kit. He was nervous, you could tell by how quickly his eyes scanned your body for more cuts. 

"What's wrong with you today?" You didn't know how to answer him, whether to tell him the truth or leave it alone. You ended up bursting into tears, causing the blue-eyed man to panic even more. It was a childish, snot-filled cry. "Look at me." James pleaded, trying to calm you down "Tell me what's going on, please." With no idea what to do, he started rubbing your back and wiping away the tears that kept coming. Crying prevented you from speaking and you could only fall even more in love with the man in front of you. He was so worried about you that it hurt you not to be able to give him the answer he wanted. "Maybe are you… on one of those days?." he tried to ask gently, not wanting to offend you.  You couldn't help but laugh through your tears. 

"No..." you murmured, losing yourself in his blue eyes. "The problem…. is that I think… I'm in love with you." you confessed, terrified of losing the warmth of that man. James blinked a couple of times in confusion, he was still processing your confession. 

"Are you crying because you're in love with me?” He wanted to be sure of what he had heard. You just nodded, unable to repeat those words. "Do you want to kill me with a fucking heart attack?" he breathed in relief. He cradled your face in his hands and put his own at your eye level. "You idiot..." he pressed his forehead to yours. "I thought something bad happened." You were so close that his scent surrounded you and his breath when he spoke brushed your cheeks. 

"I think falling in love with a flatmate is bad enough..." You tried to fake a smile but you only managed to make a grimace. 

"But what if that flatmate is also in love with you?" he whispered in your ear before burying you in his arms, unable to meet your gaze. Your heart was racing and the tears stopped, suddenly your face turned red and your palms started sweating. Was he saying what you thought he was saying? 

"You're shaking..." Barnes let out a small laugh and you noticed the weight of his head on top of yours. 

“Whose fault do you think it is?” You tried to free yourself from his embrace but his strength far outweighed yours. Then you realized that your face was at the level of his chest and his heart was racing. "You don't look any better..." you answered back. "And that's your fault..." he sighed. 

Argh... You wanted to see his face so badly. Lose yourself in his blue eyes... Kiss him... "Let me see your face..." you begged. Your hands scratching his back weakly. You were desperate to feel all of him. Then you had an idea... You were still sitting on the countertop and you took advantage of the situation to wrap your legs around him and close the little distance that remained between you. 

"Don't play with fire, y/n." he gasped as he brushed against you. 

"But you just said…" you put your arms around him, trying to win him over. 

"If it were up to me I'd make you mine right now..." you noticed how her voice sounded desperate. "But then there'll be no turning back..." You understood what he meant because it was the same fear you had. But it was even more painful not to have it than to try and have it not work. "You're not going to lose me, whatever happens between us." you let him know. "But we can’t stay like this forever…" you scoffed at the situation. 

Your words had an effect and James' grip relaxed, you could finally look at him... His pupils were dilated and his mouth slightly ajar. "Fuck, you're beautiful." he smiled tenderly. His big hands slid over your back, one ended up on your waist and the other on the back of your neck. "I'm going to kiss you..." he announced "And you're not going to be able to get rid of me from now on.". A nervous laugh escaped you "Is that a promise or a warning?"  James lost all the little willpower he had left and crashed into your lips. "A promise for sure." his kisses were eager and intoxicating, your whole body reacted to him. There wasn't a nook that didn't crave his touch. 

You both clung to each other as if you were afraid the other would disappear at any moment as if even all the time in the world wasn't enough to quench the longing you had for each other.  “Fuck…” you both gasped into each other's mouths, which caused you to grin like dorks at the coincidence.  That kitchen was getting too small and the clothes were starting to get in the way. 

“Is this all we are going to do?” You said burying yourself in James' neck, leaving little kisses. Your hands slipping under his clothes, enjoying the heat emanating from James' body. You couldn’t wait anymore.

“What else do you want to do?” Barnes teased you by squeezing your thighs and bringing you even closer to him. You knew he needed you as much as you needed him, his erection wasn’t going unnoticed under his jeans. You tried to touch it but James stopped you by grabbing your wrists. “What's the hurry? I asked you a question.” he smiled mischievously. 

“But you know exactly what I want.” you gave him your most powerful puppy eyes.  “And you want it too…” 

You were not lying, he was craving for you since the day he almost lost you for that jerk, the day that he almost kissed you but he chickened because you made him feel something for the first time since he left the army. “You have no idea…” he sighed in defeat. After all the shit and madness he saw in the war, you were the light at the end of the tunnel, so beautiful and special that he was afraid to ruin it, to end up hurting you. 

He kissed you with so much tenderness that took you by surprise as if you were to break into his arms. You could feel his love in every kiss, you didn’t need to hear those words. He was telling you with all his body. Without stopping kissing you for a second, he took you to your room. It was the first time he crossed the threshold while you were awake, hundreds of times he had taken you to bed but never like this. You lost track of time and space, all you could think about was James, his blue eyes, the jaw that clenched every time one of your clothes fell to the floor. With his mouth, he worshiped every part of your body and while you were still standing in front of your bed he knelt before you and sunk his face into your stomach. Your smell was addictive, your skin tasted like honey. He continued down until he reached the edge of your panties. Your wetness did not go unnoticed, you had been dreaming about it for so long that for a second you were terrified to think it was all a dream. But the little kisses and nibbles inside your thighs made it clear you weren't dreaming. You wanted him as much as he wanted you. He didn't think twice and threw off the cloth that separated him from your core. You gasped, the image of James between your legs was more than you could ever imagine. “You are perfect…” he purred less than an inch from your cunt and you could only bury your fingers in his hair, biting your lip in anticipation. He gave you a last look before taking care of your needy clit, her eyes were completely black. 

“Fuck.” He knew what he was doing. His tongue traveling up and down between your lips, focusing on your clit. Your wetness helping him when his fingers decided to join and help in his aim to make you cum like never before. 

You could no longer stand on your feet, your legs were shaking too much and James' body could no longer hold you up. He stopped leaving you hungry but it didn't take him long to put you on all fours on the bed and bury himself again between your legs. In that position you couldn't see him but you could feel his hands on your ass caressing it. “Please, James…” you moaned. You wanted to feel him inside you, ending with that feeling of longing. 

“Again without asking properly.” He turned you over like it was nothing and sat down on the bed. "Maybe you want to show me what you want to do." You didn't even think about it for a second, you laid him down on the bed and got on top of him. You knew how to play too. 

***

His calm breathing gave you peace, you felt a certain pride in thinking that maybe his nightmares knew that someone was watching over his sleep and had decided to give him a truce, at least for that night. A tender smile came over your face, James sleeping like a baby was an image you could burn into your forehead and never tire of.

"Do I have something on my face?" his still half-asleep voice was low and somewhat raspy.

You felt embarrassed, you didn’t expect to be caught drooling over him so soon, at least not at the beginning of your relationship. Wait… Relationship? Was it real? You and he were a thing? Would James be a long-term relationship guy? His track record didn't play in his favor, but the night before he had told you he loved you too. That had to mean more than a one-night stand. 

“Morning.” you murmured a little bit anxious, your own thoughts running like crazy, but then he kissed you on the forehead, sweet and slow. 

“Morning.” he smiled at you, his eyes full of love. “Hope you slept well…”

Then you realized there was shyness in James' words, you weren't the only one who felt vulnerable at a time like that.

“Better than ever.” You smiled back and gave him a quick kiss on his lips. 

“That makes two of us.” he seemed to relax and in that moment you knew he was not playing, that was real. “Oh, now that I remember. I wanted to tell you last night but things got out of hand.” he squeezed against his chest. “I'm going to start a veterans' support group. I ran into a friend from then and he told me that he was running one.” 

You didn't expect him to tell you, in the end, last night was all due, a little bit, to that. You felt stupid. If only you had given him the time... Well, maybe you wouldn't have ended up in his arms and surrounded by his scent. 

“You deserve it.” your hand found his, and intertwined fingers. 

“Yes… I think it’s time to face the past and focus on my future.” he kissed you again this time on the nose. You were excited to face the future with him…

i think everyone needs a god of some kind. and by that i don’t strictly mean religion. you need something that’s bigger than yourself, that you can anchor yourself to whenever you feel lost—whether it be nature, the moon, the sea…

I didn’t want them to see my face… Hiding like I was a sinner walking among holiness… Like they could read all my wrongs written on my skin and felt the heaviness of my broken wings where they once used to be… Like I hadn’t any right to be here… -P