All I Can Do Is Pray, So I Do. But God Does This Hurt.

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thank u all for reading what i write. i love u <3

do all dogs really go to heaven?

The most beautiful thing John Green has taught me was the way out of the Labyrinth of suffering is alaska style (straight and fast). for me, my labyrinth is always my perfectionism during the school year. The only way to get out of the labyrinth though, is through. So, you put your head down and try your absolute fucking hardest and eventually it’s over until you have to start it all over again.

“The only way out is through” has been my personal mantra ever since i read looking for alaska during a residential stay. the book and the depth of its meaning are so very important to me and i could write essays upon essays taking about my personal labyrinths and how they are full of demons that i can barely outrun- but i won’t, i’ll save it for later. for now i have a labyrinth to escape.

i'm literally so grateful to the gods. i prayed and prayed and prayed, i tried my hardest even though it hurt, but i have a friend!! i finally did it! she gets me, she has this curse too. we love the same games and the same music. she's so wonderful and beautiful and i love her with all of my heart.

new fp makes my bpd brain go brrrrrr

the Gods answer things in the most wild ways. i made a new (old) friend!! here i was praying and wishing for michael to come back, but the universe said “nope! have this instead!!” and yk what? maybe this is better. turns out i can’t ever fully leave roc behind, and maybe i didn’t want to :’)

i fear humans like a street dog. rejection after rejection, hurt after hurt, it all gets too much for my already crowded mind.

dez told me to try to put myself out there again in some way or another. and i have, i am trying. not very hard granted; i still am in this safe haven of social isolation and overworking myself in school.

but i have found someone that has proven that strangers can be kind, pure even, and is trying to steer my western brain back towards the light of the east again. he will never know the true weight of the words he writes with, and how i await responses with my tail thwapping against my bed. teeth smiling, not bared.

I will be like "I'm fine" and then another fucking event will occur

feeling lots of feelings this morning. been running as fast as possible away from them through stupid literature and escapist fantasies. i miss the people i used to have. idk why they all left after i became a better person. why like me back when i was cruel and mean?

it doesn’t make sense. my life doesn’t make sense. it never does and it’s so fucking frustrating.

written with the panicked cadence of Siken in mind. he gets me.

IM SO FUCKING TIRED OF HAVING THIS GOD FUCKING DAMNED DISORDER I WANT TO RIP ALL OF MY HAIR OUT OF MY HEAD OH MY G O D