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R3v3rie Writes! - Blog Posts
⋆ Black and Orange Thinking
⋆ Dog
⋆ Untethered
⋆ The Soldier, The Sinner
⋆ Ballet
Maybe in another life I can be gentle. Maybe there my soul is kind.
Untitled 9.20.23 Excerpt - "...casually smoking cigarettes out of the window of my childhood home. I don't know if it's the way the tar fills my lungs, or how the sad folk music plays softly in the background, or maybe it's the cold September breeze and the way I can see the stars- but I trust that the Gods will take care of me. I have no other choice. For tonight, I have given up. They have gotten me this far, and all of the pain has to be for a reason- right? I quietly pray into the night, for a best friend/soulmate to come back to me (I couldn't bear watching that stupid band play), for good grades, for my friends, for my ever-aging cat. I pray that my fate fares well, and that this horrible feeling passes quick."
Untitled 9.12.23 (excerpt) - My head lolled against the cool glass of the SUV’s window, Bridgers blasting through air pods, the eternally grey world of Western Pennsylvania blurred by intermittent rain. I have the thought that my therapist is the only person on this planet who truly knows me. That she alone is whom I have laid my soul bare to and has been the only one to accept its abominable sin without falter. And even this yields to the fact that this is what she is trained to be. An artificial connection forged on the basis of years of schooling. No one will ever understand me just because they want to, nor just because they care.
blackout poetry from a list of reasons i should not reach out to the bad people who i still love.
You gave up on me Michael. A naive part of me still believes you’re a short drive away, because I can’t believe you’d just leave without saying goodbye.
8.21.23 - Second First Day (excerpt) I wonder how life would be different if he was just a little nicer when I was a kid. I tend to think about this a lot. I wonder how he can even bear looking at me, how he does not realize the extent of his damage- how he ruined a everything for me. I wonder a lot of things about him, fully knowing that I will never get any answers.
this was written during a suicidal episode, so please bear with the fragmented thoughts and overall vagueness of the big feelings I was feeling.
did i sit and stay,
like a good dog?
just how you asked?
my teeth bared,
so you’d mistake,
a grimace for a smile?
written with the panicked cadence of Siken in mind. he gets me.
Had a session about why closure is hard today, both because of him and because of me. Wrote another goodbye letter. I can't bring myself to post most of it but here was the ending. A proof of existence if you will.
5.30.23 - Profit off the Psychiatry. (excerpt)
My parents don't like the smell of the incense i burn. Its religious. They complain about it behind my back, like they do me.
i'm sorry for the awful audio of the spoken word, i am not sorry for my emotion.
when i think of you my heart is filled with anguish. i pray that when you think of me, yours is filled with penitence.
4.23.22 - Springtime Winter (excerpt)
I tell him how my dad is clearly trying to kill me, by leaving all of the windows open. I feel a passive pang of ideation. I don't tell him how I wish that it actually would.
