Had A Session About Why Closure Is Hard Today, Both Because Of Him And Because Of Me. Wrote Another Goodbye

TW for SA and R*pe

READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

everything about me is dark, but when i color- i always do it in rainbow. maybe there’s light in me somewhere.

Untitled 9.12.23 (excerpt) - My head lolled against the cool glass of the SUV’s window, Bridgers blasting through air pods, the eternally grey world of Western Pennsylvania blurred by intermittent rain. I have the thought that my therapist is the only person on this planet who truly knows me. That she alone is whom I have laid my soul bare to and has been the only one to accept its abominable sin without falter. And even this yields to the fact that this is what she is trained to be. An artificial connection forged on the basis of years of schooling. No one will ever understand me just because they want to, nor just because they care.

“always a death knell, never a dove”

2.16.22 - Ghost. Some days I float through this life with my brain fogged and the world recognizable but feeling eerily off. For on these dream-like days I am simply a ghost haunting this horrid human body.

i wish people thought that i was good and kind and caring, people only say i am if i beg them. i wish i wasn’t the scary shelter dog that everyone takes in. i hate that i’ll never be different, i beg the Gods to make me good, but they can’t. i hate myself, so fucking much all the time. it’s awful being this way, i was born cursed and bad.

i miss him so much. i miss his quick wit, i miss his comforting presence, i miss the constant companionship, i miss the everything about him.

it’s so hard missing someone your brain created, that because i am doing better they took my friend away.

i don’t know what to do, how to fix this pain.