“always A Death Knell, Never A Dove”

god she’s not findable on anything. i just want to make sure she’s alive, and okay. she needs someone to protect her and i couldn’t and i need to fuxking find her im going to cry

her name is Laura. and i failed her and my bad brain forgot her name for so long. i’m so sorry Laura, i am.

new year, new font. i was never too attached to the courier, but i think playfair is truly me.

Uriel- Angel of Repentance

I had to go and find an angelic pseudonym for you. What better the angel of sincere regret? Dearest Uriel, my hardest love and loss, I don't quite know what to do. So here is another letter I can't send. You don't know about this place, or atleast I hope you don't because my first name for you wasn't all that secretive at all (and it broke my code name tradition, but it's very fitting, isn't it?). Every damn song is about you these days, the farther you shove me away the more it drives my mentally ill mind insane. And that was how it always was, wasn't it? I just want an admission. A flat out declaration. I need to know what you think, what you feel. I don't even know why but I just feel like I need to. They say ignorance is bliss, but I've always been a more "curiosity kills the cat" kind of girl. Do you still have love for me the way I do you? Does it kill you, this distance (in all sense of the word) between us? Because I feel like I'm dying at your feet all over again. Back in that horrid space where I don't want to text out of fear of annoyance, but wanting your attention on me. You drive my BPD insane. Truly, madly, deeply insane. You always did and I fear you always will. I don't know what to do Uriel, I don't know what I want or need from you- but whatever we're doing isn't it. You were the one who stared into the depths of my cast-from-heaven soul, and didn't shy away. You were there for me when I was sent straight to hell, and now I fear that bonds me to you eternally. What do I do Uriel? How can I escape these demonic feelings? How do we recover from this? Will we ever?

i’m obviously sad how hard would it be to say you love me, or maybe try sending something to cheer me up? anything?

i just wish to be perceived as gentle and kind. that’s it, that is truly all i want.

it hurts to know this will never be.

i wish the gods could fix me. i hate being this way.

all i can do is pray, so i do. but god does this hurt.

the things I hate most in this world are myself and the fact that I’m still alive.

i say this shit and literally a day later am doing not very well at all. god i hate the constant shifts and mood swings

it’s 5am and i’m listening to the birds chirping, i hear my breath, and the soft indie music that always is coming from my phone. i note that there is pink in the sunrise this morning and that i do not dread the day ahead of me like i have for my entire life.

the work is noticeable sometimes, proper therapy and medication pays off.

i’m processing some tough stuff, i might post excerpts from the journals i have from them,, idk what to do everything feels like static