I Say This Shit And Literally A Day Later Am Doing Not Very Well At All. God I Hate The Constant Shifts

i’m processing some tough stuff, i might post excerpts from the journals i have from them,, idk what to do everything feels like static

having a personality disorder is so ridiculous. like girl the abandonment hasn’t happened just yet, CHILL OUT !!!

it’s been two already, i wish i could hate him. i wish i could cry or do anything other than thwart the urges to find him and beg for him back in my life. he was bad to me, for so long. why can’t i hate him?

this study has me all sorts of fucked up. i feel super shitty for a lot of my behavior and my just entire being right now. i’ve always been told since i was younger that i was this unfeeling manipulative monster, what if it’s true? what if all the doctors are lying or just don’t know enough to tell me that i’m horrible? how i endanger people, act shitty, am just wholly the demon my father said i was?

how do you cope? how do you just move on from that self reflection that you possibly aren’t the way close people say you are? how do i know what is real? who to trust?

i need to talk to dez but i don’t even know what i would say-

we're all under the same moon, and that's enough for me.

god life has been so messy lately, take me back to a month ago.

there is nothing better than praying to my Gods. i thank them nearly every day but i want to especially thank them for the blessings and grace they have extended towards my life. may my prayers continue to be heard, and may they bless me with this opportunity tomorrow. i’m nervous, but i know that everything that happens does so for a reason.

blessed be everyone <3

I just feel so ugly inside and out.

Uriel- Angel of Repentance

I had to go and find an angelic pseudonym for you. What better the angel of sincere regret? Dearest Uriel, my hardest love and loss, I don't quite know what to do. So here is another letter I can't send. You don't know about this place, or atleast I hope you don't because my first name for you wasn't all that secretive at all (and it broke my code name tradition, but it's very fitting, isn't it?). Every damn song is about you these days, the farther you shove me away the more it drives my mentally ill mind insane. And that was how it always was, wasn't it? I just want an admission. A flat out declaration. I need to know what you think, what you feel. I don't even know why but I just feel like I need to. They say ignorance is bliss, but I've always been a more "curiosity kills the cat" kind of girl. Do you still have love for me the way I do you? Does it kill you, this distance (in all sense of the word) between us? Because I feel like I'm dying at your feet all over again. Back in that horrid space where I don't want to text out of fear of annoyance, but wanting your attention on me. You drive my BPD insane. Truly, madly, deeply insane. You always did and I fear you always will. I don't know what to do Uriel, I don't know what I want or need from you- but whatever we're doing isn't it. You were the one who stared into the depths of my cast-from-heaven soul, and didn't shy away. You were there for me when I was sent straight to hell, and now I fear that bonds me to you eternally. What do I do Uriel? How can I escape these demonic feelings? How do we recover from this? Will we ever?