I Think I Just Need A Different Favorite Person Because This One Is Just Not The Fucking Move

i just wish to be perceived as gentle and kind. that’s it, that is truly all i want.

it hurts to know this will never be.

feeling lots of feelings this morning. been running as fast as possible away from them through stupid literature and escapist fantasies. i miss the people i used to have. idk why they all left after i became a better person. why like me back when i was cruel and mean?

it doesn’t make sense. my life doesn’t make sense. it never does and it’s so fucking frustrating.

Worship Wednesday

Hermes Epimelius, Keeper of the Flock. Hermes' shepherd aspect is one of my favorites. There's strong comparisons to the Great Shepherd. He guides the flocks through their journey, watching out for them as they go. He watches out for us in a similar way. There have been many times he's guided me through my life, assisting me in progressing through it. Hermes Epimelius cares for all of his flock. Not one member goes unnoticed. He's always looking out for danger. And while he won't always protect us from everything, he won't let us go through anything he knows we're not able to handle. He will step in if the danger becomes too great. He loves his flock and wants to see them succeed.

This week's question: Have you ever been through a time in your life where it was clear Hermes was guiding you through it?

daniel once again reminds me that i am evil, literally his exact words tonight. what he doesn't know is that my buba is teaching me the power of belief and that i will brute force this into existence that i am good and kind and sweet and nice.

she and her books also say i need to forgive him, i don't know if i ever can.

i’ve been doing this positivity crystal spread under my pillow for the past two days and i’ve been having SUCH better mornings!! here’s the info for anyone who wants it!

citrine

amethyst

sunstone

rose quartz

carnelian

i just put them in a little bag in my pillowcase and sleep near them all night. in the morning i put them on a selenite charging plate (you could also use a window sill but i prefer selenite) and let them stay there until i’m ready to put them back under my pillow to go to sleep!!

"Am I supposed to be grateful to have survived this?" -Brenna Twohy, from "I know Its A Little Late," Forgive me my salt.

(1.30.23) - head hanging out the second story window, i let the strawberry smoke fill my lungs. i glance at my watch. 120. it hasn’t lowered all day. i tell myself that it’s just a bad day, that i’ll quit again tomorrow.

the pennsylvanian winter chill hits my face when the breeze blows. there’s a bird calling that i recognize but can’t quite place right now. texts from my only two friends lay unanswered because i don’t know how to tell them what i’m feeling.

i silently wonder if the devil ever feels cursed. if he too sometimes didn’t have the strength in him, because being rotten at the core is truly exhausting.

an ache of pain disturbs the thought. the all consuming anxiety follows. this semester feels as if it will kill me. learning to walk again while desperately trying to memorize an entire taxonomic language is just too much.

i try to glamorize it, to revel in the tasks the women in my books love. to tell myself that this is the life of a girl in the scribe quadrant, that dragons are real and true love exists.

my cat jumps up, she sticks her head out too and sniffs the breeze. she is the only solace my soul finds these days, her and the fluffy stories i fill my head with when i try to outrun these thoughts. the ones where i have a friend group who loves me like family and a man who sees the stars in my eyes. the stories where i am not seen as a monster, but as gentle and kind.

i want to die, to be quite honest. i am in the wrong reality. there is no found family waiting for me, nor a man to write me letters assuring me that i am nothing but angelic golden light. there is just fatherly pain and the weight of the world on my shoulders.

sachiel i won’t chase you, i don’t want to scare you off. just know that i miss you, and i don’t know how to show it. i don’t want to come on to strong, to tell you i still love you just as much as that summer day where we became real soulmates.

i miss you. just know i think of you often, and fondly.

I will be like "I'm fine" and then another fucking event will occur

I can always kill myself. That's the only comforting thought I have.