R3v3rie - ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ Reverie ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

i’m going to start screaming and crying pretty soon. like i am so SO tired of caring SO much for people who don’t even have the courtesy to officially end things.

i just keep getting abandoned over and over and over again and i will end up in the psych ward oh my god.

(1.30.23) - head hanging out the second story window, i let the strawberry smoke fill my lungs. i glance at my watch. 120. it hasn’t lowered all day. i tell myself that it’s just a bad day, that i’ll quit again tomorrow.

the pennsylvanian winter chill hits my face when the breeze blows. there’s a bird calling that i recognize but can’t quite place right now. texts from my only two friends lay unanswered because i don’t know how to tell them what i’m feeling.

i silently wonder if the devil ever feels cursed. if he too sometimes didn’t have the strength in him, because being rotten at the core is truly exhausting.

an ache of pain disturbs the thought. the all consuming anxiety follows. this semester feels as if it will kill me. learning to walk again while desperately trying to memorize an entire taxonomic language is just too much.

i try to glamorize it, to revel in the tasks the women in my books love. to tell myself that this is the life of a girl in the scribe quadrant, that dragons are real and true love exists.

my cat jumps up, she sticks her head out too and sniffs the breeze. she is the only solace my soul finds these days, her and the fluffy stories i fill my head with when i try to outrun these thoughts. the ones where i have a friend group who loves me like family and a man who sees the stars in my eyes. the stories where i am not seen as a monster, but as gentle and kind.

i want to die, to be quite honest. i am in the wrong reality. there is no found family waiting for me, nor a man to write me letters assuring me that i am nothing but angelic golden light. there is just fatherly pain and the weight of the world on my shoulders.

reading in my bed is so hard now that it’s uninterrupted. i miss you my sweet girl, so so much. i hope the Gods are taking great care of you.

written with the panicked cadence of Siken in mind. he gets me.

being “considerate of your bpd” my ASS, no improvement whatsoever, no regard for changing plans multiple times,, he just doesn’t fucking care it’s ridiculous like dez literally thinks we might have to break up and i’m thinking she could be right

oh my god and don’t even get me started on this OTHER girl who was my other soulmate on earth. from halloweens, to fake dating, and ice skating lessons after sleepy breakfasts.

i miss her, i hate that i threw up distance because she was leaving me and i hated her for it. i wish we could have had more time together, i wish distance didn’t force us apart.

This too shall pass but like holy fuck

i just think it’s silly that my parents were a little sucky and now i’m a 19 year old with a personality disorder and an emotional support stuffed animal

i just wish to be perceived as gentle and kind. that’s it, that is truly all i want.

it hurts to know this will never be.