Melencholia

i hope you see this. you mean so much to me, thank you for not giving up on me. <3

sometimes trauma processing is weird and you have to write about some ancient old man, but whatever works i guess

daniel once again reminds me that i am evil, literally his exact words tonight. what he doesn't know is that my buba is teaching me the power of belief and that i will brute force this into existence that i am good and kind and sweet and nice.

she and her books also say i need to forgive him, i don't know if i ever can.

i’m having constant nightmares anymore. this isn’t fucking fair.

:/

pink bath, pink wine, pink vape, pink girl

everything about me is dark, but when i color- i always do it in rainbow. maybe there’s light in me somewhere.

i might be doing really terrible on the emotional regulation front but in my defense ive had a gaping hole in my chest since i was 12

holding back tears in the parking lot of the community college because my mom called to tell me that my sister told college recruiters i was her hero.

taking the years of abuse for her wasn’t for nothing :’)

12.9.22 August in december. (excerpt)

I now may have the same diagnosis, but it does not make me the monster of a man that you were. I am pursuing a degree in fisheries & wildlife at a very small school. I want a house in the mountains where me and **** can rescue dogs. I like filling my head with poetry, fluffy romance, crystals and astrology, gaming a little, indie folk music, and looking at the stars. I stopped playing softball and I like being outside, but most days I just want to curl up in bed. I still play ukulele but I started learning guitar. My favorite color isn’t yellow anymore, it is green. 

I am no longer the me that you knew, and you my dear are no longer you.