I've Always Loved The Idea That The Bats Are Feared In Gotham For The Exact Same Reasons That The Justice

I love-love AUs, where Jason adopts a kid and conventionally forgets to mention it to others, but I think it would be funnier, if he adopted an animal, but his family instantly started to think that he hides a child, because, honestly, it is obvious that he will end up with one anytime soon—

Jason, snoozing on his alarm: Hey, sorry, I gotta go. Dick: It is okay. See you around! Jason: *leaves* Tim, whispering: So, I don't want to start a panic, but his alarm name was "feeding time". Bruce, slamming his hands against the table: Finally! This had happened! Jason adopted someone! Dick, no less excited: We won. I am an uncle!

Jason, while scrolling the kangaroo ass carriers on the internet: Hm-m. Alfred, creeping on from behind, very enthusiastic: I would recommend you this one, lad. Jason, shuddering: Jesus— Jason: Uhh. Jason, thinking that Alfred probably knows, so there is no need to over-explain: Hey, thanks, Alfie. Alfred: Anytime.

Bruce, feigning nonchalance: So, how is the baby? Jason, thinking that Alfred just told Bruce about the whole thing: Well, better than ever. Bruce: Good. Where had you found him, by the way? Jason: Her. It is a baby girl, Matilda... And, well, in Crime Alley. Bruce, sniffling, because a) Jason is so him; b) he is such a girl dad himself by the nature: That's beautiful, lad. Jason: Uh, yeah?

Tim: Come on, when are you going to bring Matilda to introduce us? Dick is not getting younger. Dick: Hey— Dick: But also, yeah! I am not getting any younger. Jason, confused: You all are kinda obsessed. Jason: Like, there is literally nothing special. If you want to pat a dog, go and pat Titus. Don't bother my girl. Everyone, dropping whatever they were doing: A DOG?!

yeehaw, baby!

Considering that Jason canonically accepts easily if someone gives him money and even intentionally asks it sometimes for his Service, I need Tim to pay him on occasions when he is in trouble and needs to distract Bruce.

Bruce: Timothy Jackson Drake Wayne.

Tim: Woah, not the full governmental name? What did I do?

Bruce: Wanna explain where the... 3 million went from my bank account?

Tim, who promised Bart and Kon, built a whole ass trampoline park for them along with other stupid shit, BUT who doesn't want to spend his personal money, so he wastes Bruce's: Well.

Tim, pressing an automatic button on his phone that sends Jason money and his location: Yeah, actually. You see...

Bruce: Well?

Somewhere from the town: *a loud sound of explosion*

Bruce: What—

Tim, absentmindedly: Oh, horrors, it is Jason's episode again. Seems like he blew up something.

Bruce: Oh my fucking g—

The Batkids have the same twenty dollar bill that has been going around for like 16 years straight or something - beginning with Jason and Dick

The story goes:

Jason, 12: I bet you $20 that I can make Bruce cry without saying a word

Dick: Deal.

Jason: *walks up to Bruce and hugs with love in his eyes*

Bruce: *violently sobbing and picking Jason up*

Dick: *angrily walks by and slyly hands Jason a 20*

—

A few weeks later it’s

Dick, on a skyscraper looking down at a different one: I bet $20 that I can make this landing

(Info: this genuinely should not be possible for Plot Reasons)

Jason: okay but if you die I get to keep it

Dick: *jumps and lands it*

Jason: *sadly climbs back down to the street and hands a proud Dick the SAME $20 he earned not too long ago*

—-

This goes on between them for years - up until you know what

—-

Dick, out of habit: I bet you $20 you can’t do six front flips in a row

Tim, new and eager to please: watch me bitch

Tim: *does it perfectly - maybe with a tad bit of a waver but still*

Dick:

Dick, crying hysterically for many reasons: *hands the faithful $20 over*

—-

(For plot reasons Tim never spends it for X reason)

Steph: I bet you $20 I can make that guy over there ask for my number

Tim: okay

Steph: *comes back over after successfully getting him to ask*

Tim: *handing over the 20*

—

Cass:

Steph: oh you’re fucking on

Cass:

Steph: DAMNIT *hands $20 over*

—-

Cass:

Damian: -tt- yes obviously I can. I shall take on the bet

Damian: *wins*

Cass: >:(

—-

Damian: Thomas, I will give you a 20 dollar if you can scare Father

Duke: Hell yeah

Duke: *goes on a quest for a few days before he genuinely scares the crap out of Bruce*

Duke: GIVE ME THE $20 HOE

—

By now, it’s a very big inside joke between the bats

—

It’s Dicks turn with the $20 when it happens like the first day

Jason: hey I bet I can make Bruce cry

Dick: oh please he hasn’t since 2013

Jason: Watch me

Jason: *walks up to Bruce, says a few words, hugs him tightly, walks back over to Dick*

Jason: Wait for it…

Bruce: *wonders off and a few moments later - you hear crying*

Dick: *passes a very wrinkly and used $20*

Jason: what the hell is this? The routing number has been out of rotation for years

Dick: oh it’s the same one that we used back when we made stupid bets - it’s been around the family

Jason:

Jason: *definitely not crying*

—-

Anyway; the reason I made this post was cuz of this headcanon

The bat siblings might have a $20 bill but there’s a 75% chance they won’t give it to you because “oh it’s not spending money”

“(Bat) YOU’RE A MULTIBILLIONAIRE”

“I know but this one is special-“

Jason: “I’m NOTHING like Bruce, okay? We’re not even that similar. That’s all in your head.”

Dick, perched on Jason’s couch watching him gear up, sipping a Batburger shake: “so you’re NOT about to go deal with your emotions by going out on patrol and beating people up?”

Jason: *sets down the brass knuckles he was just holding* *stares off into the distance*

Jason: “These are just…for my — look, I don’t like your fucking tone, Richard.”

Fanfic so good you gotta stop and scroll on social media to not get overwhelmed

people don't talk enough about how fucking funny it is that bruce can sub in his kids as batman when he's too busy. like can you imagine it from the league's perspective? imagine you have this really mysterious, geniusly scary guy that you know next to nothing about, never cracks a smile and yet always comes out on top, and one day he shows up to a league meeting and there's just something... off. about him.

you can't pin it down because he's literally acting exactly the same as usual and there's no reason to think there's anything wrong, but maybe he shifted in his seat one to many times, or he looked just a tad bit too bored during green lantern's case review, but something's just... odd. so you quietly ask superman after the meeting if anything's up with the bat bcs you know those two are closer and also clark can hear heartbeats so if something's wrong surely he'll pick it up? and without hesitation he leans over to you and mumbles 'yeah batman was busy, that's his 17 yr old son. he's a crime lord and kills people sometimes though so we're not allowed to let him into the weapons department.' and then walks away like it's normal.

like the whiplash the league must go through every time they realise that no, this is not their fearless dark and brooding leader, this is in fact one of his dipshit kids being forced to sub in bcs the real batman broke an ankle, is incredible.

wonder woman: so that's my proposed plan, what are your thoughts batman?

batman: hn. i think that- *voice raising two octaves* oh shit hold on my phones buzzing

the league:

batman, answering the phone and immediately dropping the Bat Posture™: what do you mean- aw come on little wing that's not fair! but- no, NO DON'T YOU DARE TELL ALFRED I'LL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU- IM SORRY OK I'LL BUY YOU MORE- *catches sight of the league watching him, baffled* *stiffens* ok listen i promise to replace them but i gotta go, please show me mercy iloveyoubye *hangs up*

the league:

batman:

batman: *coughs awkwardly*

superman: *sighs*

batman, to superman: ...red hood found out i ate his chocolate pretzels-

superman, shaking his head: just... just stop.

the flash: so this isn't batman either, is it?

wonder woman: if this one's also a criminal im losing my mind.

superman, tiredly: no no, this one isn't a criminal. this one's actually a cop.

batman: *sinks down in his seat* b's gonna kill me

green lantern, mystified: where does he keep GETTING you all from!?

'batman' dick, who made a pact with jason to Always Fuck With Bruce Whenever The Opportunity Arises: batman is a whore.

they think they've finally sussed out all 2 of batman's kids and then one day during a meeting 'batman' ends up on a 30 minute rant about different hacking methods this tech villain could be using that results in him half way through a sentence breaking off to say '-oh uncle clark could you pass me that pen- thanks, anyway so-' and then five minutes after that when the league have all been exchanging incredulous looks he finally freezes and is like. SHIT.

wonder woman: you're different from the other two, aren't you?

batman: maybe i am maybe i'm not, you can't prove it.

wonder woman:

green lantern: so like, are you new or have you just managed to avoid sub duty up until now?

superman, coughing: actually, this is this ones ninth occasion of replacing batman. you've just never realised before.

the league:

batman: yeah actually the other two are kinda mad i lasted longer than them...

the flash: how the fuck does he keep getting kids with the exact same build as him!??!?

'batman' tim, spent 20 minutes padding the suit out so he would look the part, still mad that bruce keeps palming WE work off on him: oh he forces us to take steroids for it.

the league, concerned:

superman, pinching the bridge of his nose: now come on red robin-

batman, fully tearing up and looking distraught: PLEASE uncle clark, it HURTS, you can't keep COVERING FOR HIM!

superman, frantically to the league: this one lies.

bonus

the league, squinting at batman:

the league: ...

superman: *head in his hands, too disappointed to do anything*

the league: *silently exchanging looks, wondering if anybody's brave enough to say anything*

duke as batman, fully aware this is fucking stupid but jason and tim fell on the floor laughing when dick came up with the idea and frankly, he wanted to see if anybody would have to guts to call him out: so, are we all ready to start the meeting?

”Wait.” The faintest sound darting out from beneath the door. So so quiet, even though there is nothing else to make noise. Even though there is nothing else to hear it.

“Wait, please.” You turn, key already half in your hands pocket, caught stiff from the impossibility of it. It’s barely louder than a murmur. If your hearing hadn’t twitched just the slightest, if you hadn’t stopped just to double check, you’d be gone. The universe would be shut, dust sheets covering the planets and all the windows and stars locked. Lights off.

“Please?” It’s so unsure. So fragile. The silence threatens to break the noise instead of the other way round. Are they unwilling or unable to raise their volume, to risk being heard, to take up space, to actually stand up and decide they want to exist? What horrors do they think being known will bring?

“Please. I don’t want to be left behind.”

You open the door, and the universe flickers on.

You are Death. The last living thing has died. You've put the chairs on the tables, turned out the lights, and locked the universe behind you. Something whispers from behind the door.

Girl when I tell you my life flashed before my eyes

In a shocking, and unintentional, turn of events, Tim and Jason both end up at the airport on the same day. Jason heading to Ethiopia, and Tim to find his parents in Egypt.

Unfortunately, Tim is still very young and the airport is a lot more overwhelming than he originally thought it would be. Jason happens to have a soft spot for kids, especially kids who are trying their damndest not to cry.

Both Tim and Jason miss their flights. Bruce storms into the airport like an avenging mother bird who’s chick was stolen directly from the nest and takes Jason and Tim home with him and lets neither out of his sight for days.

Dick returns home from space to two living brothers.