My Top Posts In 2021

he tian when mo comes into view: i'm dead. i think i'm dead! oh! time's going by really, really, really slow and my heart's beating backwards!

zhan zheng xi: ...

zhan zheng xi: what makes you think your heart's beating backwards?

he tian: well, normally it goes “goop boop” and and now it's going “boop gooooop, boop goooooooooooop”!

jian yi: xixi! he's really dying!!

zhan zheng xi: *disappointed silence*

he tian: what are you thinking about?

mo guan shan: nothing special, just dreaming...

mo's dreams:

So this might be kind of random but I was just thinking about the duality of Guanshan's character and about the differences between how he usually presents himself and how he really is on the inside. I'm not sure if I'm the only one who perceives it that way or not but well, you know how most of the time we see Guanshan as this smoll, angry beast and ball of fluff, who doesn't allow anyone to get too close to him. I'm fairly convinced that this is just a mask or a persona he was forced to create just so he could survive the constant bullying and protect himself from those who're trying to break him and bring him down. For some people who tend to isolate themselves, one of the reasons leading to that kind of behaviour is the fact that at some point they begin to wallow in self-hatered, because they feel like they don't belong in any social group and everyone else around hates them anyway. And that's exactly how people made him feel - like there's no point in trying because he will never be worthy of anyone's attention nor will he become the object of admiration.

(Also I'm listening to "Adam's Song" by Blink-182 while I'm typing this and I'm starting to get emotional, send help)

He knows that if he'll be any other way, he's only going to get hurt more, convinced that no one will ever care to help nor take pity on someone like him. Not that he even wants them to but the thing is, that it's not always easy having the whole world turned against you, looking down as if you had nothing going for yourself. All he ever wanted was some peace - not kindness, not charity - just people minding their business and leaving him to his own. And maybe the bare minimum of fucking human decency. Too bad they weren't willing to give it to him.

And that brings us to the other side of his personality that is currently buried 6 feet underground, hidden completely from the world, stuffed far back on the shelves. I believe that beneath that rough, angry and aggressive persona he puts on, Guanshan is a very gentle and calm soul. He never wanted to be this punkish kid who had to prove he isn't a weak and pathetic crybaby each step of the way. And if people wanted to see a son of a criminal and a freak in him, he'd rather be that way to keep people at the distance. It's better to be feared instead of staying an easy target. Even if it's at the cost of losing touch with your inner self.

If none of the bullshit and bullying happened to him, he would be a genuinely kind and helpful kid who isn't afraid of taking the intiative. Maybe if people didn't put him in a certain box from a young age he wouldn't lose the will and the courage to aim higher and believe in things he could be capable of achieving. Maybe he wouldn't have given up on dreaming. Of course, he still would be a very introverted and private person, enjoying his own company the most, but he wouldn't be haunted by this constant sense of dread, telling him that if he doesn't put up the walls to protect himself, someone's going to hurt him one way or another. For example, if we think about Guanshan as a kid, he was an absolutely sweet and gentle child. He wasn't angry nor was he spiteful. On the contrary - he seemed to be much more mature than other kids and tried to solve issues with them peacefully. He was brave enough to stand up to She Li when others took part in bullying, playing into the fantasy of some kindergarden childlish mafia. Guanshan - even though he gets easily impressed by "cool" and "manly" stuff - can as easily differ right from wrong and what kind of behaviour is truly respect-worthy. The way he approached the situation with She Li and Buzzcut was done in the most mature way possible for an elementary/middle school kid, without him trying to prove that he was the cooler, the stronger or the wittier one. He also didn't care that he might end up getting hurt, considering She Li's not so stable behaviour. To him, the safety of his friend and the urge to speak up his mind was more important. Unfortunately, too many times he's been proven that speaking up his mind didn't do him any good. It always ended up with people beating him up or belittling him, whether those were the kids, the teachers or other irresponsible adults.

That's why I believe that all this anger and frustration is an armor he was forced to wear because no one ever tried to see past the flaws that weren't even his own. Flaws that were nothing but a projection of pejudiced adults. Even though he grew up with a loving mother, that kind of an unconditional love - although beautiful - can be easily overlooked and discounted when everyone else seems to think you're unlovable and unworthy of such love. And that kind of treatment makes it even harder to learn and understand the importance of loving yourself.

Now, what impresses me the most is the fact that we can finally see that Mo is slowly beginning to act like his younger self around He Tian. He's calm, he doesn't get angry as much as before, because he doesn't feel the need to protect himself around He Tian anymore. He's feeling safe enough to let that armor/persona/mask or whatever you call it lower down and reveal parts of him that he's been keeping hidden from others for so long. He still feels uncertain, not sure how to navigate this strange and unexpected direction they've taken but he wants to do better regardless - both for He Tian and for himself - which to me, ironically - is to learn how to accept and love your inner, vulnerable self. The one that others made you feel like you should be ashamed of and pretend it doesn't exist. All it took was He Tian lightning up a spark within him and making him feel like there was something going for him after all. Like he might be worth the time and the attention and suddenly Guanshan wants to prove to He Tian that he is. He's willing to change for the better, not only because he's seen He Tian trying as well but he's began to realise that he cares for the other boy and he isn't willing to just let go of him. He came to realise that he doesn't want their ways to part one day just because he lacked the courage to change. To be removed from He Tian's orbit because he wasn't good enough. Because he's chosen to play the part others told him to. Through the care, warmth, patience and understanding He Tian has offered to him, the spark that was once lit in Guanshan's heart was slowly begining to grow, forming into a beautiful and passionate flame. Similar to the one Guanshan has lit a long time ago in He Tian's own, hollow heart.

I like the idea of Guanshans's attitude shifting bit by bit, depending on how he feels around certain people because I get so excited just thinking about him and Tian discovering new sides of each other - sides they weren't expecting at all. When Guanshan finally trusts He Tian entirely, the other would begin to notice that most of the time Guanshan's a very chill, sweet and gentle soul, even if he can't express his feelings and affection very well. He prefers to avoid unessesary conflicts and tries to talk things through, instead of attacking the other or sulking over his bruised ego. Sometimes Guanshan would feel guilty after his arguments with He Tian, no matter who's at fault and would be a lot more affected by them than he'd let it show. He would hate being cross with the person he cares about the most and his affection for the other would often end up being bigger than his ego. He Tian would also be in awe at how adorable Guanshan could become at times when there was no one else around to judge him. Maybe there would even be a whole new playful side to Guanshan, where he allows himself to let loose and joke around a little, like that one time when he smirked at He Tian who confessed he's afraid of the dark and He Tian was like "STFU or I'm gonna punch your teeth out".

Anyway, that's something I've been noticing for some time already and I just wanted to put it out there because I find it absolutely beautiful to see how Guanshan is finally starting to feel comfortable and safe enough to let those more vulnerable parts of him show. He's slowly realising that there are people who wants him for who he truly is and won't judge him based on his family name, baseless rumors or old wounds without giving him a proper chance to prove himself first ❤

he tian: *knows perfectly well how to tie a tie*

he tian: *also knows perfectly well that guan shan has never even worn a tie in his life*

he tian: oh, little mo, help me to tie my tie. i'm too clumsy and my hands are completely useless. you're my only hope.

mo guan shan: *grumbles, but still tries to do something*

he tian: *smug face*

he tian: i'm the responsible one in this relationship. mo guan shan: you literally just set the toaster on fire. he tian: and i take full responsibility for that.

one day mo guan shan will intertwine his fingers with he tian in return.

jian yi: it's okay, babe, don't worry~

zheng xi: how did you call me?

jian yi: babe, you don't like it?

zheng xi: you can call me whatever you want.

jian yi: ok, optimus prime.

jian yi: xixi!! i have a gift for you!

zhan zheng xi: oh, you didn't have to-

zhan zheng xi: jesus christ.

jian yi: no, it's shrek.

WHY IS WRITING IS SO FUCKING HARD?

Ten types of fuckery that stop you from writing the thing:

1. Imposter syndrome

You think you're not good enough or everyone else is better than you and you're just winging it AKA ye olde imposter syndrome bullshit. Yeah nah you're fine. No really, you're exactly where you need to be right now, and you'll keep getting better and better so long as you don't stop. Chances are, if you're filled with doubt about your abilities it means you've actually improved to the point where you can really start to understand what makes good writing. It means you know where you wanna end up and goshdarn it you're gonna get there.

Read this: 4 tips to kick imposter syndrome in the face and also genitals

And also this: How to silence the inner critic

2. Fear of rejection and/or failure

Yeah, us too. It fuckin sucks. BUT. Not all rejections are equal. And rejection is a necessary part of the process. Sometimes it takes a rejection to realise that a story isn't ready. Sometimes a rejection is entirely subjective and has ZERO reflection on the quality of your work. But shying away from the very idea of possibly maybe hypothetically getting rejected is only going to hold you back from even trying. And knowing why you got rejected and how to learn from it is one of the most valuable writing skills.

Read this: The different types of rejection (and how to deal with 'em)

Then read this: How to cope with rejection

And also this: Writing lessons from Groundhog Day

3. Not enough planning / too much planning

Leaping into a new story with nothing but a glimmer of an idea is exciting as heck (and can sometimes be a great way to begin) but at some point you're gonna need some sort of outline or plan to keep you on track. HOWEVER. Planning your story to within an inch of its life can also sometimes be a hindrance - leaving you stuck in the hypothetical stage of the process where your story doesn't quite exist yet (and therefore avoiding the prospect of it sucking). The sweet spot is in the middle. Having just enough of a plan to know where tf you're going, but enough freedom and flexibility to let the story lead the way...

Read this: Planning vs pantsing

Then read this: Five plotting techniques

And also this: The perils of overplanning

4. Your WIP just isn't working

Sometimes things just fall flat. Sometimes you work on the same story for yeeeeears and then it just kinda... dies. Sometimes you have the best plans (see above) and the best intentions and things still don't work out. Sometimes it's just time to move on. And sometimes it's not! Sometimes a story can be revived, fixed or changed. Sometimes you just need time. Sometimes YOU'RE the one that's changed and this isn't the story you need to be writing right now. Many variables. Muchly personal. Read the things below for more advice cos this is a big question:

Read this: What to do when your WIP isn't working

And also this: Give it space - how to grow a story in your head

Or how about this? Editing 101

5. You keep deprioritising it

Ah the irony of writing being the thing you love/want to do most of all AND YET the thing you procrastinate over and avoid and shove to the very bottom of your to-do list all the freakin' time. Maybe it's the comodification of art destroying our freedom to create without pressure. Maybe it's late capitalism sucking up all our available time and energy. Maybe it's a lack of self-belief subconsciously telling us our 'little hobby' doesn't really matter. Maybe it's maybelline. Whatever it is, you have the power to reclaim and revalue your writing. To say, "I'm a fucking writer, goddamnit!" and mean it. To ringfence your creative time so nothing and nobody gets to interrupt it. To do that thing you love.

Read this: Prioritise your writing

Read this: How to write in 30 second bursts

6. Shiny Thing Syndrome

You know that feeling when you're just getting stuck into a writing project and then — SQUIRREL! — you get distracted by another, better, more shiny writing project? Or maybe you're deep in the editing phase and your current WIP just isn't feeling very shiny at all and pretty much ANYTHING seems more exciting? Or you simply can't decide which of the many squirrelly writing ideas to actually start? You, fine writerperson, may be suffering from Shiny Thing Syndrome (STS). But fear not! There are a few ways to combat it, depending on the cause, and most of them involve embracing the squirrel-brain and injecting a bit of fun into your writing, like so:

Read this: Shiny thing syndrome - a writer's malady

Aaaand read this: Get excited about your writing again

And also this: Write like a kid

7. Perfectionism/self-sabotage

Look. Writing is scary as shit. What if someone READS it? What if they don't like it? What if they see into your soul and gain a deeper understanding of you through your words? Writing your truth, being vulnerable, smearing your heart juice all over the page? No thank you. But also, that's where the good shit is, so actually yes please. Just make sure you smear responsibly. And rest assured, even the most 'successful' and experienced writers ALSO feel like this sometimes, so you're in good company. It's just part of the art, bruh.

Read this: Why writing is scary (and why that's a good thing)

Read this: Beginning a story - what stops us starting?

And also this: Get out of your own way

8. The dreaded blank page

Oh godddd the blank page. It should be an exciting palimseset of possibility but is somehow also the most terrifying thing known to humankind. You wanna write something but where to start? HOW to start? You type that first line and immediately delete it. You watch the cursor blinking at you—taunting you—until you just give up and shut your laptop again. It's probably tied up with a bunch of things we've already covered so far: perfectionism, imposter syndrome, fear of failure, maybe a lack of planning or faith in your story or whatever. But it doesn't have to be this way. A blank page IS exciting and full of possibility. We just have to get over ourselves and learn to embrace the unknown...

Read this: Don't fear the blank page

And also this: The moaning method

9. Not enough time/energy/motivation/gnuuuughh

Dude, same x 1000. But you don't have to get up at 5am, do hot yoga, drink a kale smoothie and write a thousand words before sunrise to be a Proper Writer. You don't even have to write every day. But what you can do is hack your writing brain and figure out when, where, how, and why you write most effectively. Then tweak your schedule, your habits, and your attitude to ensure you're making the most of your time. Productivity is a big ol' lie but finding the secret to getting in your own personal writing zone is actual MAGIC.

Read this: Maximise your writing time

And also this: Get in the writing zone

And also unto this: The Writers' HQ Guide to Productivity

10. You're just fucken stuck

Got the writing morbs? In need of some literary sudafed? Stuck as a pig in a poke? Writing is a whole puzzle of a process—and to be honest that's what makes it so fun and exciting and addictive, because your writing brain is hardwired to both create AND solve the wordy puzzles within your story. Sometimes the answer is time. Sometimes it's a second opinion or a fresh eye. Sometimes a totally different approach or just a hefty kick up the bum. But whatever the problem, there IS a solution. You just gotta keep going and trust that you'll find it...

Read this: Troubleshoot your writing - why are you stuck?

And also this: Break through the writing blockage

And also also this: Write yourself into a pit (and then dig your way out again)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alright, that's it for today. Now go write, you flithy animals.

(And if we missed anything, stick a question in our ask box or check out the rest of our shit here)