Kili And Fili's Starter Pack

whatever man🚶‍♂️

Sooo SPIES IN DISGUISE IN 2024 😭😭

I don’t know if this has been done but I thought it was funny.

Ok so

I love Dís

I love how everyone has decided that she's the most competent Durin out of her family and has the Durin Brain cell whos not afraid of tell Thorin to fuck off and make fun of him

I love that for her

But

I think it would be really funny if she does lose all of that it when it comes to love

Which means....she gives bad courting advice

She boasts about how she manages to marry her One

But imagine her husband is the only one who knows how embarrassing bad it was but he loves her anyway so he didn't comment on it to not hurt her feelings and

Well

Now imagine this

Thorin comes to Dís for advice on how to court Bilbo cuz who else can he ask because she's the only one (aside from Gloin and he's not asking Gloin when he should have) who's married

She gives him advice of what she did for her late husband and he follows that

Cue to Bilbo being very very confused

I have been saving this since last year. Happy Earth Day everyone.

You'll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream

Sleeping Beauty AU

He was gone.

Bilbo had thought he'd accepted that long after he'd returned to Bag End, but more often than not tears fell that drained him, forcing him to sleep.

He saw the light flicker from his eyes and how the color left his skin. His chest stopped heaving, he was at peace.

Bilbo was tired, but he did not want to rest. He did not want to have those dreams again, see the blood on his hands, the sting in his chest.

Thorin Oakenshield was dead. That was that.

There was a gentle knock that jumped Bilbo out from his quiet thinking, sitting in his armchair with a hot mug of tea that warmed his belly. He deeply sighed, figuring it was Lobelia come to heckle at him for the 3rd time that week about those bloody spoons. "Nobody's home!" He shouted, but more knocks came. "Oh, you've got to be joking." He stood and tied the string around his robe forward, stomping to the door to swing it open wearing nothing but a frown. "I've had just about enough of---oh."

"Always quite the welcome when I come to your doorstep, Bilbo Baggins." Gandalf smiled fondly, still clad in his pointy grey hat and holding his crooked staff.

"Gandalf! I wasn't expecting... visitors. I thought you were long gone from the Shire?"

"I do apologize, but I am not here for idle chat," Suddenly the wizard's face sunk. "I fear I carry some unexpected news."

Bilbo felt his chest tighten; he was certain he was finished with all things unexpected and unplanned for the rest of his days. "Well, let's have it then." His hand fell inside his pocket to fondle the Ring. Gandalf eyed the movement, but carried on.

"Thorin Oakenshield is alive."

This had to be a cruel joke. An unfair punishment by whatever entity watched over hobbit life, thinking he deserved such for some reason. For all he knew he could be dreaming all this up! He didn't exactly remember going to bed or waking up, everything just felt blurred together. He started to feel dizzy.

"Bilbo?"

No, of course this wasn't real. Just a figment of his sad imagination trying to make things seem better than they were. He started laughing because he didn't know what else to do. Thorin wasn't alive, he saw him---he watched him die. Over and over again he watched and he couldn't do a single damn thing. He twisted the Ring faster.

"I really do think it would be best if you sit---"

He blinked roughly, his eyes becoming heavy and harder to keep open. His hand felt for the wall to keep him steady, he could hear his heart in his ears. He wanted to sleep, he wanted all of it to just go away so he could be content again.

"Are you listening to me? For goodness sake!"

Gandalf's displeased voice was the last thing he heard before he fell backwards onto the floor out cold.

"I don't... this can't be possible," Bilbo shook his head, now awake back in his armchair and his mug, though he wasn't all that thirsty anymore. "Gandalf, I saw him..." His stomach turned, unable to finish. The wizard gestured that there was no need for him to continue.

"I know this seems unthinkable, believe me I did not know what to make of it at first. Even for a wizard of my caliber, this... this is work I am not familiar with."

"What do you mean?"

"Thorin Oakenshield has been placed under a dark force, an eternal sleep, so I've come to learn. He still breathes and blood runs through his veins as if it is nothing but mere rest, but he cannot be woken. The company has tried to no success." Said Gandalf. "Be it what may have transpired during his battle with the Defiler, it seems a formidable curse is inside him---by whom is still a mystery."

A curse? Bilbo placed his mug down with shaky hands; whether it was orc done or not, it sounded like just the sort of sickly twisted outcome Azog would have wanted. What was better than death? One every soul you ever loved could watch for the rest of their days, as you slowly deteriorated by the years. "I---I don't understand. You really can't help him? You're the greatest wizard I've known!"

Gandalf's eyes drooped downward. "I am truly sorry, my dear friend. Some things are beyond my reach."

"Yes, of course." Bilbo's heart sank even further. "Well, thank you for telling me." Somehow it was far worse than Thorin being simply gone, as now part of him was reachable again---and how Bilbo wished to grasp his hand or be huddled in his embrace. But Thorin was still missing, he couldn't hear his voice or see his eyes or tell him how he felt. It wasn't the same. He wondered if the dwarf still dreamed.

Pure torture his life was becoming. At this rate he might as well give Lobelia those spoons just to really make things chipper!

"That is not all I've come to tell," Gandalf cleared his pipes, sitting straight and grabbing the hobbit's attention immediately. "The company and I believe that you, Bilbo Baggins, are our key to waking him."

"Excuse me?" His brows furrowed, confused. He was beginning to think the wizard was pulling his leg. "How am----am I supposed to wake him? Don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not exactly the... spell casting type. I'm failing to see how this is a good idea." What was he supposed to do? Scare the curse away? Lobelia would be quite good at that, now that he thought of it. Absolutely terrifying.

"Hm, yes, you are not. But you have one thing the rest of us do not. I do think it would be best if... er, the company explain this to you, though." And Gandalf may have told him himself if he knew how the company would pitch their idea to their favorite burglar come returned to the mountain.

"You want me to what?!"

"Just what I said, kiss him! Is not that difficult, is it?" Said Kili, eyes wide and spirit bright as when he'd left.

"Call me blind but I don't see how that is supposed to rid him of a bloody curse!"

"Listen, we were reading up on some books once all of us realized it was a curse," Fili interjected. "And Ori came across this old tale on something---what was it again?"

"Oh, yes!" Ori came skipping over with all sorts of papers in hand. "It was a story about a maiden who fell ill from an evil creature who cursed her life with a sleep she could never wake up from. Eventually her husband killed the creature, right? And he thought she was dead, but he kissed her goodbye and she was back! According to the book, very few dwarves have seen a curse like this across thousands of years."

"Leave it to orcs to weave in the threads of cruel old world magic to get what they desire." Said Gandalf.

"But you see now? Only someone's true One can wake them. And you..." Kili wriggled his eyebrows at the hobbit.

"I can't do that!"

"Why not?"

"Because I---I..." Bilbo waved his hands around trying to find the words hopelessly. "Look, I'm not what you think I am. Really. I doubt that..." I'm Thorin's One. Even if he wished to be, his chances seemed rather slim to him.

"Lad, I know it's not right for us to spring this on you so sudden, after so long---but you mean somethin' special to Thorin. We all see it." Balin came to his side, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. "We wouldn't have called you here if we didn't believe this would save him."

"Aye," Dwalin nodded. "You've got fierce loyalty in ye', even if this... magical-hoo-ha sounds like a pile of horse shite,"

"Dwalin---" Balin raised a hand at his brother, unaware of where his point was heading.

"Let me finish, will ye'? Even if I don't believe innit all, I know... Thorin's got a good place in'es heart for you, I see it. If anyone was gonna bring him back it'd be you."

"S'all true!" Said Glóin. "I know love when it's got me square in the face."

"Right that, the tension between the two is so strong it's like tryin' to cut through a frozen bucket of milk from a mountain ram." Bofur's blunt and frankly quite specific comparison had everyone staring at him blankly. "Was it something I said?"

"It's your decision, there's no need to pressure yourself into it." Balin said.

Bilbo glanced around at all of his friends, waiting for his answer; no matter what there was pressure on his shoulders, a fairly large one. Save the King and your friend and or possibly more from an eternal sleep---of course. "Can I see him?"

They had moved him from the cold depths of Erebor to an elegant chamber, cleaned and fined to look as it was before the mountain came under fire. The bed was downed in wooden poles that held lengthy canopies draped around. Thorin lay motionless other than the rise and fall of his chest, undisturbed as if he had not faced a brutal foe, still like a great piece carved from stone. Bilbo's hands shook and his knees wanted to buckle the moment he entered the room alone, as he was stood facing what he thought he'd lost for good.

He sucked in a breath and approached the bed, sitting down on the edge just by the dwarf's corner, though still offering him space. His heart pounded as he reached a tentative hand to Thorin's, touching his calloused, warm skin. Far from the cold and unsettling pang he'd felt last. He retracted his hand quickly, holding it over his lips when a cry came to lurch out from his throat. Tears swelled in his eyes and tickled down his cheeks, unable to keep them at bay, like those difficult first nights in Bag End. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." The words started to spill from him between heavy breaths.

"I should've---" He lowered till his upper half fell to embrace Thorin, resting his head on his chest when slow sobs picked away at him. "I should... I should've been there. For you." He listened to the dwarf's heart beat steadily in response, holding to his limp arm. "Just don't go. Don't go."

He didn't eat much that night, even against Bombur's cheesy filled bread---which was very un-hobbit like of him. If he was in the Shire he'd be kicked right out of the dinner table. He curled up in his guest bed, fiddling with the blankets, the Ring, unable to keep still. He couldn't have come all this way just to give up because of the hope that it might work. It was just a kiss, he was overthinking it! Just a kiss... with Thorin. He smashed his face into the nearest pillow, groaning. What in the world was he supposed to do if it actually worked? What if the company greatly misjudged Thorin's affections and it was nothing but a very strong... friendship? Emotionally and physically close male bond--? Bilbo didn't even think that was the right label for them, it was utterly, annoyingly complicated.

In the wake of the midnight was when he decided he was going to do it. What did he have to lose, anyways? Well... quite a lot, actually. But that was a problem for the later future.

"Remember, even if this... doesn't go through, at the very least you tried lad." Said Balin.

"Thanks." Bilbo nodded. He was at the edge of the bed, inches from Thorin who was the same as before. He looked back to the whole company of dwarves who stood, watching, waiting... hang on, did they really want to see him do it? They weren't the clearest bunch on when privacy was needed, at least aside from Balin, who tried shuffling awwy. "Er, do you mind?"

"Oh, no, not at all. Go right ahead!" Bofur called from the back.

"Make it a good one!" Kili hollered from afar.

"I mean get out!" Bilbo huffed and waved his hands at them to go, which thankfully they did, shutting the door behind them and leaving the room quiet. His eyes fell to the floor as the tense silence grew around them, pawing at the fabric of his trousers, stalling as long as he possibly could. Just get it over with already! He told himself. After about a minute or two of delay, he finally looked to Thorin again, and felt another chip at his heart.

"This isn't exactly how I pictured it happening, but... here's to trying, I suppose." If Thorin was fully himself he imagined he'd make some stupid, smart comment to that. He missed those. As he snuck closer he slipped his hand into the dwarfs once more, giving it a firm squeeze. His other gently ran over his cheek, brushing against the subtle spikes of his beard.

Taking in a breath leaned forward, closing his eyes and ever so carefully he pressed his lips to Thorin's. It only lasted a few seconds before he pulled back, feeling a welcome thrill run through him before his cheeks ran red with incredible embarrassment. Not like anyone was there to see it, but still. He watched, waiting for a response---any kind. The dwarf's eyes only subtly twitched, his body still unmoving. Bilbo blew out a slow sigh, hanging his head low. "I knew it," He quietly laughed, if he didn't he'd just start crying all over again; why did he think he'd be able to swoop in and be the hero?

"Bilbo?"

His heart fully stopped. His eyes shot upward, falling on Thorin, who squinted against the light and instinctively felt for his wound---or at least where he last remembered it being, as it was now patched and nearly healed. Other than seeming rather confused, he was alive. Thorin was alive.

"Oh, oh! It worked!" Bilbo jumped to his feet, clasping a hand over his mouth. He did it---he actually did it! "I can't believe it..."

"What worked? And why..." Thorin barely got the chance to contemplate their circumstances before Bilbo was on him, arms tight over his shoulders, leaning into the crook of his neck. Thorin held him firmly in return.

"Don't you ever do that to me again! Do you hear me? I've gone absolutely mad because of you. I considered giving away my spoons!"

"Spoons?" Thorin didn't exactly know their significance.

"Spoons!" Bilbo frowned, and Thorin tenderly brushed a thumb over the tears that soaked over his skin. His hand cupped the hobbit's cheek. "Thorin,"

"Yes?"

Oh, screw it all. You only live once, or twice---in Thorin's case. Or was it three? Bilbo thought, and as they sat embraced he crashed his lips to the dwarf's, to which was returned avidly without a beat of hesitation. Thorin's hand wrung through his light curls, inching him closer in; for a man who might as well have died and fell into a strange sleep, he wasn't holding anything back. Bilbo felt tipsy just by his touch, and bless the hills he'd never been more thankful in all his days---that was, until the company came charging in.

There was a mix of whistles and yells and cheerfully surprised hoots. Fili and Kili just about body slammed them both on the bed, successfully crushing Bilbo to get to their dear uncle. "We knew it would work!" matched with: "Ha! That's our hobbit!"

"Don't squash the poor lad, boys!" Balin said.

Dwalin didn't have much of a problem pulling Bilbo out from the pile. "We told ye'te kiss him, not shag 'em on the---"

"I wasn't doing anything!" Bilbo raised his hands in defense. "At least not that much..."

"You told him to do what?" Thorin raised his head up from his nephews weight, still waiting for a solid explanation as to why one moment he was being stabbed, the next he was stuck in the worst dreamscape he's ever witnessed, and was woken by none other than Bilbo Baggins and a very lovely kiss. "Would someone like to catch me up on what is going on?"

"Ohh, yes," Kili nodded. "Should you start or should I?"

"Let's both." Fili said.

"Right, so it all started when Ori found this book..."

Wow, I wasn't expecting to wake up to the news that Merlin's trending again, but I love it! To celebrate, here's another au prompt!

In this au, Arthur finds out about the prophecy of Emrys and the Once and Future King, and, in true himbo fashion, he knows that Merlin is Emrys, but he doesn't know who this "Once and Future King" is supposed to be. So, of course, he gets insanely jealous, thinking that some random guy with a powerful magical sword is going to swoop in, steal his throne, take Merlin from his side, and usher in an era of peace while Arthur is cast aside, forgotten.

Arthur simply cannot accept this, even if this Once and Future King is supposedly Merlin's soulmate, the one who will complete him. So, when Arthur repeals the ban on magic, he includes the stipulation that if the Once and Future King is ever discovered, he should be immediately executed on the grounds of high treason for attempting to steal the throne.

Mordred, distraught and turning to Merlin: Shouldn't well tell him?! Merlin, completely unphased: Nah, he'll figure it out eventually.

Arthur also gets hints from the druids, who are trying to get him to figure out that he is actually the Once and Future King, but Arthur always misunderstands their hints.

Druids: The time of the Once and Future King is at hand, sire. He has already taken up his holy sword, and his people rally behind him, inspired by his leadership and valor.

Arthur: This motherfucker already has his magic sword AND an army?! MERLIN! Send word to Leon to ready to knights for war!

lotr but nobody knows anything about the other races

Pippin thinks Legolas is a woman

Boromir is convinced that the hobbits are all 15 max

Everyone thinks that Merry and Pippin are twins, except for Legolas, who is convinced the hobbits are quadruplets

Sam thinks that Aragorn, Boromir and Legolas don't have to eat to survive

Legolas doesn't mention things he sees or hears because he thinks the others have noticed them too and just assumes they have a plan

Pippin complains that he is hungry and Legolas just gives him a handful of grass. Pippin is so confused that he just takes it, and now Legolas tries to figure out what hobbits can eat by just giving them random shit, like

Things the hobbits have accepted and likely eaten later (a list by legolas)

-Grass - Leaves

-Stones - a hair tie

-A feather - one of Gimli's shoes

The hobbits and Gimli just assume that this is what elves eat