Latest Posts by sherilikescake - Page 2
Tw: unhinged break down and vent with mentions of suicide
I bid my greetings to everyone reading this journal entry. There was a situation with a friend which was a bit difficult. I felt like I wanted to help, but I was unable to. Now onto a different topic: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! It is strange that that that that's djjkcodbns ytsbat I cannot CANNOT I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN THIS! My mind is a mess, everything is unclear…I just want to prove to myself that I am wanted here in this world, but I do not know if I really am wanted. Even if I am NO NO NO, I won't say that! I am freaking out, I heard voices in my head a few weeks ago and I had to take new meds. It was terrifying and annoying, there was screaming and squealing as well and it felt like my mind was streaming like a waterfall. I am on sick leave until May, so don't expect to see me in school. Yk what, I will be honest. Every Time I have one of these squishes (which are the desire for queer platonic relationships). I have felt this for around 5 people so far and all of them were extremely far and unavailable. One was an online friend who ended up telling me to kms for defending furries, another was someone in our school who was probably the worst person imaginable to have a squish on, another was an online friend who literally admitted to being a sociopath and I still continued being close with the person, then there was someone else who prefers solitude and only sees all friendships as temporary, and then finally it is the person I have this squish on now, who does not really care about anyone beyond the usual friendships. All this combined could point towards me never being able to find someone, which means that I simply am not wanted. The logical conclusion of something not being wanted is for it to be thrown away. Being thrown away means basically dying…wait, it is dying, I should kill myself. But wait, people care about me even if it is not in that way. This is good, this means that I am still wanted in some way, so I should not kill myself. The voices are wrong, the Goddess communicating with me telepathically called Luna is wrong. Wait a minute, can't I want myself? That way someone always wants me, which increases my chance of survival. In practice this would mean that I am in a relationship with myself. Since I am a person with so many different personalities, it is almost as if I am multiple different people. It is logical, really, no one wanted the cake, so that leaves all the cake for me, no one wanted to work with me in the group project so I worked by myself, no one picked me for their team so I picked myself for my own team. Yes, that's it! The solution to all my problems. This was what the poem meant, the poem of me reaching the end of the tunnel and seeing light, maybe I am my own light. But then I would be autoplatonic meaning that I can have a platonic relationship with myself. I will try this out. No, I already did and it did not work…back to suicide? Idk, I do not want to be in that stinky ward again. Does that mean that I’d better succeed in killing myself? Idk…let's try to live for now so there is a 0% chance of me ending up in that ward.
Take care of yourselves everyone 💚🏳️🌈
"Kaneko Fumiko (1903–1926) was a Japanese anarchist living at the early part of the 20th century. Born out of wedlock into grinding poverty, she lived her life as an outsider within Japanese society including a stint with unloving and cruel relatives in then-occupied Korea, her experiences inspiring both her rebellion against authority and feelings of solidarity with others on the receiving end of society’s boot. Together with her friend, partner and, before her death, husband Pak Yol, she started underground anarchist societies, published articles against the Japanese state and society, and, perhaps, planned to kill the Emperor Taisho and then-Crown Prince Hirohito at Hirohito’s wedding.
She and Pak were some of of many who’d be swept up in the mass arrests and killings of enemies of the state both real and perceived after the Great Kanto Earthquake of 1923. Placed into “protective custody,” she and Pak were tried and sentenced to death for high treason on charges related to a plot to kill the Emperor and Crown Prince. While these sentences was later commuted to life in prison by the Emperor, an honor she promptly rejected by tearing the decree up in front of her jailers, she was found hanging in her cell in 1926 and is supposed to have committed suicide." - Because I Wanted To
I bid my greetings to everyone reading this journal entry. I have not done one of these in a while. I feel hopeful because the day that I will take hormones is coming closer and closer. Soon I will alleviate my dysphoria and live as who I truly am. I am on sick leave now due to all the issues I mentioned. I do not know what to say - I just need to alleviate the dysphoria sooner. I know that it will not solve everything. I feel lonely because I am not able to connect with people on a deep level and I have terrible social skills. Heck, my social skills are so terrible that writing these journals and sharing them with people from my school does not feel embarrassing in the slightest. The only things I cannot say are illegal stuff. An example of something that is illegal is murder. Obviously I am not gonna write in the journal that I murdered someone if I really did do it. No, but I have not done it. Anyways, I still cannot get my mind off of something which I mentioned earlier. That mysterious thing which drives me forward. The mysterious thing is further away than ever before, but oh so close. I think that it is best to leave everything behind and return into my shell where no one can see, hear, or hurt me. I am safe in my house, right? Ofc I am, why would I not be? It is only when I step outside that those sc(k)ary people look at me and laugh, then they say something to their friends and both of them look behind themselves and laugh. They all laugh at me, I am just a joke to them. The only thing left to do is to run away forever and never return. I know, maybe in the future I can upload my mind into a computer and play Minecraft all day. Minecraft is a game where no one bothers you and if they bother you, THEN YOU FUCKING KILL THEM. Minecraft is a game where I am safe and where there are no rules to put me in danger. Minecraft is a place where nostalgia rules. No, no no no! The milk is not in the bag, IT IS NOT IN THE BAG, SHUT UP! The milk is my soul and the bag is my computer - a world waiting to be explored and a world where no one judges you. I am addicted to gaming, I am addicted to the internet, I am nihilistic, I am depressed, blah blah blah; you get it. I WANT MY ESTROGEN, GIVE ME HORMONES! Anyways, I am getting off-topic. I am basically screwed, the end.
I am definitely unlovable. I am just too insane and weird for anyone to relate to me or like me. I must accept this reality in order to continue living a life of loneliness, but a life without love is no life at all...I have no idea what to do.
Tw: vent, a bit of violence, gender dysphoria, and depression.
I am starting to lose hope. I do not think that anyone will ever love me as much as I love them. Depression makes it really hard to express my feelings. Everyone I care for will eventually find someone else they love more. I know that it will always happen. It is always gonna go wrong. I fear nothing more than failure and my life is just a big compilation of me failing everything. I cannot let go though, which is the scary part. It is almost as if you chop your legs off because they were walking into the school cafeteria on their own. The cafeteria full of eyes that see you (I must never go there). Then your body starts rolling on its own into the place, which sets you up for your ultimate demise. It is moments like this that I crave the nothingness, I crave to no longer exist, and I crave a release from my pain. I hate myself and I hate that I was born to look like a freak. I want to die, but I can't...The only thing left to do is to continue my obsession, it is too late to abandon it now, because she has overtaken my mind. The worst part of all this is that I am never gonna pass as a female because of my stupid body that I want to rip into pieces with surgeries. I am gonna change everything about myself until there is nothing left of me. I am just a big pile of waste, which is infested with trauma, ugliness, gender dysphoria, depression, anxiety, failure, the inability to do anything right, and a universe full of pain to show for everything I have gone through. Idk whether to give up or not...
Not me overthinking about whether or not my obsession hates me. It hurts to think that maybe I did something wrong and messed everything up. I am really stressed out about if this person is gonna even love me in the end. I think about it every moment of the day. I am definitely not good enough, am I? Sometimes my obsession makes me feel so happy, but she also makes me feel weak. I am so worried about the future, oh goodness, I am so worried! I know that if it does not happen, then it was not meant to be, but I want to believe that it is meant to be. She is just so perfect, I am gonna spend the entire rest of my day thinking only of her!
I love her so much. She is the only one who can make me feel anything anymore. I am dead without her. My only wish is for her to pay attention to me.
Obsessions. Quite interesting, are they not? In some ways it can be linked to ideology where you believe in an idealized version of someone. I am gonna talk about how I am feeling, no need to rationalize it. My obsession is my life. I cannot focus on anything else. The obsession emits such a divine feeling, which is pure and free from all possible contortions. Yet, every inch of this obsession is corrupt and depraved, but I fucking live for it. "How can the right thing be so wrong?" As they say, but also: "How can the wrong thing be so right?" I want to be locked in a room with my obsession as I break down in front of her and confess how much I crave her every moment of the day and also confess all the depraved things I have gone through to get more information about her. Insanity can be a light that provides guidance. Insanity is the one thing that I know never goes away. My love for insanity rivals the love I feel for my obsession. I have been referred to as a "maniac" by my doctor because my obsession went too far. I am like a drug addict.
It feels intense when you are obsessed with someone beyond belief, yet they do not know and they act normal around you. It feels like you are hiding a water dam behind your back. At some point I might tell the person about it, but they will likely not feel the same. Like even if they are a yandere too, it is clear that they like someone else.