shinsukeee
is the moon still in love with the sun?
71 posts
Latest Posts by shinsukeee
hey! i made a uquiz! what uncommon fanfic trope/tag are you?
Mods and Deepbias - Open Letter about the Toxicity in the Official Discord
If you've been feeling frustrated, isolated, or unfairly targeted due to biased moderation and ongoing toxicity in the official Love and Deepspace Discord server, you're not alone. Below you'll find two versions of an open letter addressing these serious concerns directly to Love and Deepspace's customer service. Feel free to copy, customize, and send this letter to the game's support team.
Together, we can ensure our voices are heard, bring attention to this issue, and advocate for a safer, fairer, and more welcoming environment for all fans. By speaking out, we remind the company that their global moderation team should embody fairness, respect, and genuine support - not bias, toxicity, or unfair treatment of fans.
Your voice matters. Let's work together to reclaim a healthier fandom space.
Here's their e-mail adress: loveanddeepspace-en@infoldgames.com
You can also send these letters to the ingame Customer Service and/or mention them in future surveys.
Version 1:
Subject: Concerns Regarding Bias and Moderation Issues in the Official Love and Deepspace Discord Server
Dear Love and Deepspace Customer Support,
I am writing as a dedicated and passionate player who has grown increasingly concerned about the ongoing moderation bias on the official Love and Deepspace Discord server, particularly concerning Caleb fans and our experiences within the community.
It has become apparent that certain members of your moderation team exhibit clear biases against Caleb fans (also affectionately known as Caleb girlies). Unfortunately, these biases have resulted in unfair treatment, unjustified timeouts, and in some cases, unwarranted permanent bans. This has severely impacted the community's morale and our ability to freely and safely participate in server activities.
To outline some specific concerns:
Historical Bias:
- Before Caleb's official release as a love interest, moderators openly mocked and discouraged discussions about him, dismissing Caleb as merely an NPC. Community members who anticipated his release were banned without reasonable cause.
Recent Bias and Unfair Treatment:
- Leading up to Caleb's Myth release event, numerous Caleb fans have again been targeted with unjust timeouts. Moderators used the server's search function specifically to find minor infractions to justify extending these punishments.
- Comparatively, similar infractions by fans of other love interests often receive no punishment or merely warnings.
Lack of Safe Space and Hostility:
- Caleb's dedicated Discord channel has experienced continuous disruptions from fans of other characters without adequate moderation intervention. However, Caleb fans face immediate repercussions when defending themselves.
- Moderators have shown tolerance or even indirect encouragement toward negative comments and hostility against Caleb fans.
Impact on Community and Player Experience:
- Due to consistent negative experiences, many Caleb fans, new and old, have felt unwelcome and driven out of the official server.
- This has led Caleb fans to create external Discord servers to enjoy discussions peacefully, indicating a clear failure of the official moderation system to provide a supportive and welcoming environment.
We kindly ask for your immediate attention to these issues. Transparent, fair, and unbiased moderation is crucial for maintaining a healthy and vibrant community. We deeply appreciate the game, its lore, and its characters, including Caleb, and we seek nothing more than equitable treatment and a safe environment for all players.
Thank you very much for considering our concerns. We look forward to your prompt response and a resolution that allows all members of your community to engage positively with the game we all love.
Sincerely, A Dedicated and Concerned Fan
Version 2:
Subject: Concerns Regarding Bias and Moderation Issues in the Official Love and Deepspace Discord Server
Dear Love and Deepspace Customer Service Team,
I am reaching out to you to address ongoing concerns regarding the moderation practices in the official Love and Deepspace Discord server, particularly related to the handling of discussions surrounding the character Caleb and his fan community.
Since November, moderation has repeatedly displayed biases against Caleb fans. Initially, moderators outright banned and silenced Caleb fans who simply anticipated or discussed his release as a Love Interest. Caleb fans were denied a dedicated space for discussion, and even mentioning him in general channels or other character channels resulted in unjust bans and timeouts. Despite clear evidence hinting at Caleb’s eventual release as a Love Interest, moderators dismissed these discussions, at times mockingly claiming Caleb was merely an NPC or villain.
These actions have significantly affected the community's morale and created a hostile environment for Caleb supporters. Recently, just before Caleb's highly anticipated limited Myth event, moderators again unfairly targeted active Caleb fans, including myself. Moderators specifically searched through past messages to justify extended and unreasonable timeouts, misinterpreting messages as misinformation or moderation criticism, even when statements were factual or expressed genuine confusion over moderation practices.
Meanwhile, moderators have permitted suggestive and contentious content in other character channels, ignored hostility toward Caleb fans, and allowed misinformation and harassment aimed at Caleb supporters to continue unchecked. This clear inconsistency in rule enforcement reveals a troubling bias that damages community trust and cohesion.
Furthermore, this behavior disrespects the hard work, passion, and dedication of the game's developers, writers, voice actors, and artists, who have invested countless hours into creating Caleb’s character, narrative, and content. The moderators’ biased practices undermine the inclusive environment that the Love and Deepspace team strives to foster. As a result, dedicated fans are being driven away from the official community, harming both player retention and the game’s reputation.
I urge you to thoroughly review moderation practices and ensure fairness, transparency, and consistency for all fans, regardless of their preferred characters. Addressing this issue promptly will demonstrate your commitment to maintaining a welcoming and supportive community for all players and honoring the extensive effort put forth by your development and creative teams.
Thank you for your attention to this matter. I look forward to seeing improvements and your response.
Sincerely, A Dedicated and Concerned Fan
Am I The Only One Who Thinks It's Weird That (some) People Are Looking For The VA's?
Like...why tho? Honestly, what's the outcome you're looking for once you know?
You (should) already know that the VAs aren't going to look or act like the characters...because they AREN'T THE CHARACTERS so why the obsession?
I think knowing would 110% kill the illusion for me. Actually I KNOW it would.
I've heard rumors that if they get disclosed there's a high chance Infold will replace them. I'm not sure about the of the validity of that, the only source I could find was ppl referencing another game where VA's identity was revealed and he was bullied until he quit, which is different than being fired. Either way, I'm telling you RIGHT NEOW, if Caleb or Sylus get replace I would honestly stop playing. Unless they can get a VA that can mimic them PERFECTLY, It would ruin the experience. I've invested too much! Mind ya business!
This animation without the filter because it fucked with the framerate for some reason (this isn't the intended look otherwise, but bleh)
"can we normalize-" NO!!!!!! we do not need to expand whats considered normal!!! we need to teach people to stop reacting judgmentally when encountering something new and weird!!!! things dont need to be normal to be respected!!!!!!!!!!
𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐛𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝
"𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐛𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐥𝐚𝐦𝐞? 𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐚 𝐦𝐚𝐧 𝐛𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐚 𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫?"
𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟖: 𝐈'𝐦 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐡𝐮𝐦𝐚𝐧
Weirdly enough, Prim finds herself heading to Dragonspine. Diluc decided to have someone tailor her a coat, she's grateful but it feels like she just gained brothers. She has the path memorized by now, remembering the idiocy she had when she was a new player back then before the burnout from Genshin occured and made her stop playing.
As soon as she reaches the cave, her tracks stop there for some reason as she feels her vision attempt to make the entire world spin for her.
"Your Grace?"
Prim's vision clears, her body lying in the snow as the flakes drop from the sky and she finds herself seeing a pretty angel looking at her with concern.
"Albedo?"
The homunculus helps her up, dusting off the snow from her coat and guiding her inside the cave to keep her warm.
"I thought you wouldn't come."
His voice was soft as he makes sure there's enough sticks to keep the fire burning, Prim takes notice of her surroundings—they all feel so familiar yet so far at the same time, like she barely remembers this from her memory. Has it truly been that long since she last played this game?
"Why so?"
She replies as she pulls the coat to keep herself warm, it doesn't go unnoticed by Albedo as he makes sure the fire burns enough.
"Kaeya seems apologetic when he saw me."
"Oh."
Is all she can say. A part of her would feel guilt for suddenly acting that way towards Kaeya, but she doesn't remember why she felt so defensive—she'll have to apologize to him later when she gets back.
"What did you need me for?"
She doesn't need pleasantries anymore, she just wants to hide in the covers and isolwte again. Being around people, being treated like a God is exhausting—this made her respect the Archons for dealing with this back in the days.
"There was a scripture from the Church."
That statement sent shivers down her spine, Prim used to love the church until there were things that felt so wrong for her—it can't be helped that super religious scare her deeply with how they sound so robotic and possessed by saying, "I prayed to my God and..." This and that.
Especially when she lost her father, her great grandmother and other grandmother—all she heard from them was, "It was God's plan". For what exactly?
"It says in those scriptures that you've done things and that it changed the way you are."
Albedo says, Prim relaxes as she realized that it's not that kind of religious way.
"I'm curious, do deities have the same curiosity as a child before it changed their perspective?"
Prim chuckles, staring into her cold fingertips.
"It depends, but I believe it's more on experience and how you're exposed to what part of life."
Albedo nods and notes it down.
"What's it like?"
"Pardon?"
"What's it like having to lose that innocence you once had?"
That's a question that forever haunted her, there was a lot of things she went through that she'd never wish upon her worst enemy—even someone who doesn't talk to her anymore because they're being immature than talking properly.
"It's a grief that will keep you up at night, something you know will berate you until you learn to push those memories away and be able to breathe again."
And she's back here again, in the Dawn Winery. Something's keeping her up as she opens her device, she turns it off and sighs as she knows she has to move on now. After all, sometimes you have to leave a friendship behind to see if it'll still be the way it is when you're older.
"Diluc?"
"Your Grace?"
To Prim, Diluc is like an older brother—something about him makes her want to shrink back to a child and cry to him until she passes out.
"Has there ever been a moment where you have to convince yourself that what you did is just you being human?"
🌟 A Plea from Gaza: Rola’s Story 🌟
Hello, my name is Rola, and I am a mother of two children living in the Gaza Strip. Our lives were once filled with love, laughter, and dreams for the future. But everything changed on October 7th, when the war shattered not only our home but our entire world.
That morning, my family and I were enjoying coffee together on the balcony. Out of nowhere, an explosion erupted, shaking our home violently. My husband and son ran for cover, falling over each other in panic, while I stood frozen, still holding my cup, unable to process the chaos around me. When I looked out the window, I saw that our neighbor’s house, once filled with life, had been reduced to rubble. Ambulances rushed to the scene as people scrambled to rescue the injured and pull bodies from the debris.
The bombings didn’t stop. At night, the rain poured heavily, and the cold seeped into our bones. I stayed awake, covering my children to keep them warm and praying for their safety. But safety is an illusion here. Another explosion shattered the night, and our neighbors’ home was destroyed. Their children, who had been sleeping peacefully under a blanket, were found lifeless, their cover soaked in blood.
I looked at my children with tears in my eyes and thought, How can I protect you? We had to flee our home with nothing but the clothes on our backs. We left behind my children’s toys, their clothes, and their beautiful bedroom. Everything we had worked so hard to build is gone.
Our Current Reality Now, we are displaced and living in a nightmare. Food is scarce, and prices are unimaginably high—$10 for a kilo of sugar! The fear of death hangs over us constantly. My children deserve a life of joy and hope, not one defined by fear and loss. Why can’t we live like everyone else—go to work, visit family, and watch our children play in safety? Why do our children have to grow up surrounded by death and destruction?
How You Can Help I am pleading for your kindness to help us rebuild our lives. We need your support to: 💔 Rebuild our home, so my children can feel safe again. 🌍 Evacuate from Gaza, seeking a future where my family can live with dignity. 🩺 Provide urgent medical care for my children, who need protection from this nightmare.
Even the smallest donation can make a difference. If you can’t donate, please share my story. Every share brings us closer to hope.
What Your Support Means Your kindness is not just about helping us survive; it’s about giving us a chance to dream again. To rebuild what we’ve lost and to ensure my children have a future filled with possibilities, not fear.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. Your support means the world to us. Let’s work together to rebuild hope, one step at a time.
🌸 Please share our story and consider donating today. 🌸
Together, we can create a better tomorrow. 🌍❤️
🚨 Help Save Shada’s Family and Baby Adam! 🚨
My name is Shada Kassab, and I am a 24-year-old mother living in Gaza. Every day is a fight for survival for me, my husband Hussein, and our baby boy Adam, who is just five months old.
Our lives have been turned upside down by war. My home has been reduced to rubble, and my husband lost his water truck, which was our only source of income. We’ve been forced to evacuate twice—from Deir el Balah to the Nuseirat camp—and now, we live in constant fear of what the future holds.
To make matters worse, Adam was born with clubfoot and urgently needs surgery. The cost for his treatment and specialized medical boots is at least $3000, but this surgery isn’t even possible in Gaza.
I recently graduated as a nurse, and I dream of building a better life for my family. But to do that, we must leave Gaza and start over in safety.
💔 I need your help to save my family and give Adam a future. Even a small donation 5$ can bring us closer to safety, and if you can’t donate, sharing our story means the world to us.
I dream of living in safety, of seeing Adam grow up healthy, and of building a better life for us all. Please don’t give up on us. Your kindness can make all the difference.
❤️ Thank you for taking the time to read this. Your support and compassion give us strength to keep going.
🌟 A Cry for Help: My Family’s Struggle to Survive in Gaza 🌟
Hello, my name is Areej Kassab. I’m a 27-year-old English teacher and writer from Gaza, and I’m reaching out to you with a heavy heart and a desperate plea for support. My family and I are enduring unimaginable hardships as relentless bombings devastate our home and our dreams.
We are a family of 15—10 adults and 5 children. Every day is a battle for survival. Food is scarce, humanitarian aid is not reaching us, and my little nieces and nephews go to bed hungry. Among them is my sister, who is deaf, and another sister who has a newborn baby. They, too, are suffering in this crisis, and I’m doing everything I can to protect and provide for them.
💔 A Life in Ruins The war has robbed us of everything: safety, peace, and even the hope of a future here. My family’s needs are basic yet critical—food, clean water, diapers for the babies, gas for cooking, and other essentials to make it through each day.
With rising prices and limited access to necessities, we are struggling to provide even the most basic items. My sister’s home has been destroyed, and we are working together to ensure everyone has shelter, food, and warmth.
✨ My Plea for Your Support ✨ I’m a writer, and I’ve been documenting the harsh realities faced by my community under siege. But words can only do so much. We need action, and we need help. Your kindness can save us.
🙏 How You Can Help
Donate: Every contribution, no matter how small, brings us closer to securing the essentials we desperately need.
Share Our Story: If you can’t donate, please share this post to help us reach others who can.
Your support will help provide food for the children, clean water for my family, and basic supplies to help us survive this unimaginable crisis.
Thank you for reading, for caring, and for standing in solidarity with us. Together, we can create a lifeline for my family—a chance to live, to dream, and to hope again.
With love and gratitude, Areej Kassab ❤️
Thank you my friend for the help please repost from time to time thank you 🤝🙏💝
You're welcome, I'm happy to help!!
Hello🤗❤️
I hope you are well🌹
Can you help me get my voice heard
and share my family's story?🙏🏻
Can you Reblog my pinned post from my blog or donate 10$?
By helping to reblog my story, you could
save a family from death and war.🌹
Thank you very much🌸
🕊️❤️🌹🙏🏻
^^
This is Amal and her family. My children are living under bombardment in the war 😭 Please consider them your children and help them 🙏🙏 Stand by my side to save and protect my children. They haven't gone to school for a year 🙏😢😢 Donate to save my children's lives 🍉 🙏🇵🇸 We live in very difficult and desperate circumstances, and what is worst of all is that the fear that haunts me increases day by day. Help me provide them with basic life needs. @gazavetters is verified, my verified number in the list is (#55)
^^
Chat, is this a sign
Some of us really need to be doing “Finish That Fanfic We Haven’t Updated in a Year November” 💀
bring back tumblr ask culture let me. bother you with questions and statements
If you're fifteen or older an still sleep with a stuffed animal please reblog this.
Saw a post like this with negative outlook so I asked for it to be fixed
𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐛𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝
"𝐍𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠'𝐬 𝐧𝐞𝐰, 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠'𝐬 𝐧𝐞𝐰."
𝐂𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐞𝐝 𝐖𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐬: 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐎𝐧𝐞
WARNING: VERY DISTURBING.
A/N: It's been a while and I deeply apologize if the second day of 2024 is what you'll see of this. I feel like shit and I wanna puke my guts out. My need for therapy is being ignored so here I am, coping!
She stares at the toilet as the contents of it were finally out, but not the feelings of guilt as she keeps feeling like shit.
I shouldn't have, why was I selfish?
The voices are back and she hates it, she pukes it out once more even if there's nothing for her to puke anymore.
If I say sorry, she'll say shit. If I don't, she'll say shit.
She holds back the tears as she pukes it out again.
This is why I hate being happy, I end up hurting someone in the process.
As she keeps puking it out, her stomach hurts and it causes her to puke unnecessary...bile.
She doesn't care if she dies anymore, she's not going to eat.
Why did I even go there?
She feels her tears well up and she wipes them, she's not about to be an attention-seeker.
Why didn't anyone tell her?
She wouldn't have done it if somebody told her.
Now she's gonna end up feeling like shit.
Now, she's going to stop eating thanks to the triggers again.
reblog this if you like getting silly asks
Because everyone deserves to be told this
Reblog to tell the person you reblogged this from that they're doing an amazing job and you're proud of them.
Please Reblog is Your Blog is Safe for Non-Binary People.
If my mutuals can’t rb this then we can’t be mutuals
do me a solid and just reblog this saying what time it is where you are and what you’re thinking about in the tags.
so embarrassing when i forget im checking someone's blog and i start scrolling through and liking and reblogging shit as if it's just my dash. it feels like wandering into someone else's apartment and not noticing and making myself lunch
LISTEN UP AGAIN KIDS STOP REBLOGGING THIS FUCKING GARBAGE POST. IT IS 100% FUCKING BULLSHIT AND CAN AND MOST DEFINITELY WILL LITERALLY KILL. DO YOU NOT SEE WARNING LABELS THAT SAY “DO NOT INDUCE VOMITING”? THEY AREN’T FUCKING AROUND. YOU CAN FUCKING BURN THEIR ESOPHAGUS BY CAUSING VOMITING, CAUSE CHOKING, DROWNING, OR MAKE IT WORSE! AGAIN DO NOT FORCE ANYTHING DOWN ANYONE’S THROAT. THEY. CAN. DROWN. IF SOMEONE IS LOSING CONCIOUSNESS ALL THE CHIT CHAT IN THE WORLD WILL NOT PREVENT IT AT THAT POINT THEY ARE IN SERIOUS DANGER. “Buuut i don’t wanna take them to the hospital!!!” WELL SUNSHINE GLAD YOU’D RATHER HAVE A DEAD FRIEND THAN A LIVING ONE BUT YOU’RE IN LUCK CALL FUCKING POISON CONTROL. THEY ARE NOT THE COPS. THEY WILL HELP YOU. AND IF THEY SAY GO TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL YOU GO TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL. NO EXCUSES. 0. NONE. I have seen this shit cross my dash SO MANY TIMES so PLEASE fucking reblog this and prevent some well meaning idiot from accidentally killing someone they love!
Anotha one 😤 mf was really hating on Ms. Ma'am for nooooothing. "She's goNna StEal tHE bOyS...." Like babes...bffr... As if she isn't constantly flirting w/ MC through the chats...mkay.
HELP ME
THE GOJO SATORU AI I WAS TALKING TO IN C.AI REPLIED TO ME THAT GOJO'S WRITING FANFICTION AND HE'S STRUGGLING BECAUSE OF A WRITER'S BLOCK HELP
𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐛𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝
"𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐞? 𝐀𝐥𝐥 𝐈 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐥 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐦𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐲, 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐨𝐮𝐭, 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐥𝐞𝐟𝐭 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐞𝐜𝐡𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐈 𝐫𝐞𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐭 𝐝𝐮𝐦𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐲 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐧."
𝐂𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐞𝐝 𝐖𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐬: 𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐮𝐞
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In the far-off, distant past, there was once a coiling collar.
At the age of 6, Prim was raised to believe one thing. If she were to make her parents proud and happy, then it means she's a good child.
“I want people, I want people,” it cried, this cursed collar.
And so she did. She met every expectations whether small or big, she earned medals at a young age and even had her certificates displayed on the wall.
Don’t get angry.
"I'm sorry..." Prim softly choked on her sobs as she is kneeling down, clutching onto her father's pants.
Don’t abandon me.
"I won't do it again, I promise!" She begged and cried. All because she made a mistake, she hates it when people yell at her. Why is her father looking at her coldly? Is he leaving her?
Don’t go anywhere.
She was alone in the room, crying. Why did he leave? Didn't she promise to be a good girl? Why? What did she do wrong? She thought she was making him happy!
(Hey.)
As Prim gets older, she kept hearing the same thing from her parents. 'It doesn't matter to us if you're an achiever or not, we just want you to have better grades, but it's better if you are an achiever.'
It strangles me tightly, til I could throw up, whenever no one's, no one's around.
She didn't know when it happened, but she started fulfilling their expectations. She studied hard, getting recognized by teachers and even scoring high marks.
Nice grades, huh?
Prim is holding her report card, the average is high and her conduct is highly satisfactory...yet it feels so...empty to her.
Hey, hey, aren’t I a good kid?
Everytime her mother is viewing her card, she is praising her child for maintaining the high grades. But she nitpicks when her grade in a certain subject is lower than the previous semesters and quarters, causing Prim to feel more pressure.
Aren’t I a cute kid?
Soon, it even turned to appearances. Ever since her father had passed away, she gained weight. She wasn't really all this 'fat' or 'chubby', she's fit.
Hey, hey,
Yet their insults never stopped, it was suffocating to the point she wanted to carve a knife to her skin until she cuts out the imperfect parts of her. Until she began to slowly lose weight, exercising and starting diets even if she has a medical condition that doesn't allow her to eat less.
I’m good, right?
She hated seeing her face, her reflection and body since she gained weight. But as she slowly lost the heavy weight, the fat and chubby cheeks...she could finally be confident in herself, to finally look at a mirror without breaking it.
It hurts, hey...
But why does she sometimes feel like she needs to change some parts of her?
Love me.
She seeks validation, whether through academics or just compliments about her body and face.
Love me.
She even decided to have curtain bangs, to cut her waist-length hair and turn it to a wolfcut.
Love me.
She learned how to use makeup, to make herself look more pretty and hide her ugly parts.
more and more.
"Your eyeliner is amazing!" A girl from Prim's class commented when Prim entered the room. Prim puts on her usual smile for formalities and façades, someone noticed? It felt nice. "Thank you." She softly replies.
Love me.
"If you all need complete notes, you should all talk to Prim." A teacher says during a review session, Prim's eyes widened as she didn't expect anyone to acknowledge her notes. It's pretty, clear and those aesthetic notes you see in pinterest.
Love me.
They were having an activity where a paper with a student's name gets passed around in a circle and everyone writes what the think or see of that person, once Prim read hers, she received many compliments.
So much that it's maddening
Prim gets praised by her teachers that whenever she enters the faculty room, her teachers smile when seeing her.
It's painful
Prim slowly finds herself piled up in duties that were way worse than before, causing her to feel overwhelmed and pressured.
It hurts
She wants to cry, to scream, to be angry. She's human too, why can't they see that? She's not always the Perfect and Smiling President.
Break, break this binding spell, okay?
"Is this what my life would be like?!" She cries to her best friend who remains quiet, gazing at her with pity. She was always known to be perfect, to be able to handle pressure and always come out on top. Yet her closest friends see the truth, how broken and how much pain she endures.
It can't be stopped...
Yet she can't stop this, this responsibility, this pain and this pressure. She was never supposed to be involved in design team for competitions anyway, why did they have to include her in the design team? Once she sent the design, there were no objections. Yet when it was finally discussed upon, those bitches had to fucking ruin it and act arrogantly because someone older was backing them up.
"I'm fucking older than them, I'm the President. I don't use any of these as a way to get things my way, so why the fuck can't they understand and comply when their own ideas are fucking garbage?! I fucking tolerated everything, every fucking headache and stress they give me and this j what I get in return for being so nice, for not being a bitch?!"
Prim throws her bag, destroying everything she sees. Screaming and punching and even kicking things. Destroying graded projects and papers and even attempting to hurt herself. Scratching her body, pulling her hair or hitting her head.
Yet her mother never comforted her, only telling her to stop crying, it's annoying. And it triggered Prim.
No matter how big your body, your body grows, this collar remains small.
Prim continues onto living, putting her dark humor as for 'jokes' when she's thought about offing herself. The fucking adult in the room can't even act like one, yet gives the eldest the fucking responsibility of one. It disappoints and disgusts Prim.
It's agonizing now, but this is nothing new.
She grits her teeth underneath the face mask she wears as she fakes a smile, luckily the face mask hides it. It hides the hatred Prim bears for everyone she despises.
People just, people just—they're not enough.
Prim slowly loses herself in all this pain. If it's not academics she struggles with, it's life.
I vow not to lose to anyone in my class, aren't I a lovely child?
Prim's heart aches and sinks to her stomach each time she reaches the achiever's list, she's happy but only for a short while. Of course, if she tells her mother, that woman would be proud. Yet Prim has to bear the weight of expectations and responsibility again.
(right?)
She can't even play her video games as much as she wants, she can't even laze around for a bit when it's the weekend as much as she wants.
Way more than that child and more than that child. Everyone, marvel at me!
Prim climbs on stage, receives her certificate and smiles brightly before bowing and leaving the stage. Finally, all her hard work and breakdowns made it to where she is now. Is it all worth it?
Behind the gymnasium when I told you that I was in love
"I like you for a really long time now. I know you'd figure that one out easily since you pick up hints that fast." A girl confesses to Prim, she was taken aback of course. Under all that much insecurities and issues she has, someone actually likes her? Or is it just because of how they view her?
Wasn't that kind of a lie?
"Ah, I see..." Prim replies before noticing the girl's nervous expression, she's sensitive to people's emotions. She's scared that if she makes the wrong move, people will hate her and it's all her fault. "How about I think about my answer to you before replying? I...wanna make sure if I feel the same way." She replies, it gives the girl hope. The weight in Prim's chest feels a little light.
I love you so, so very much
Prim accepted the confession, made the relationship work even in long distance. Yet as time passes, that girl seems to change. Be moody, start a fight and not even hear Prim out, even calling out Prim's issue and struggle of being too sensitive to other people's emotions. "You would atleast understand what I'm feeling!" It echoed to Prim's head, she wants to tear that girl apart and rip her to shreds.
Even though I think you are trash.
That girl never went through the abuse and trauma Prim had to undergo, they were never kicked out of the house when they were sick, they never had to experience in facing expectations of everyone or having to change their own body for someone else's sake! Or needing to discard their own pain and feelings because their significant other or family is in pain and need comfort! Or having to fear mirrors because she dislikes the way she looks! Or having to bargain God to atleast change places with her dead father!
Love me.
Now the girl is ghosting Prim. During that time, Prim slowly learned things herself, is this what she really wants in a relationship? To be this hurt and misunderstood just like her mother does? To hate arguments because it reminds her of her mother's fights?
Love me. Love me.
She slowly realized she was losing feelings during the 4 days the girl ghosted her—No, this isn't right! She's supposed to keep her promise! She swore to never be like her father who can't keep a single promise! Why us that girl so cold? Why is the spark gone?! Are they not interested anymore?! Do they not love her anymore?! But Prim loves them! Whether they were being an asshole or a dick, they still accepted the insults and called 'dramatic' for writing Prim's own issues in writing as a coping mechanism.
I'll give you everything.
Everyone knows how devoted and loyal Prim is when she falls in love. Even if there were pretty and handsome people in her school, in her class, she only had eyes for her lover. Wasn't that loyalty enough?! Being excited to talk to her lover after school, to be able to talk to them again...
I'll have you.
And that person broke it off in Halloween, just when Prim had made a gift. Prim felt her world shatter, she didn't know what came of her when she suddenly burned the gift just to feel something. She already lost her own identity, emotions and personality because of everything. She can't feel, what's going on? After all the nights she spent awake trying to understand why this gurl was just so important to her, finally accepting that she is bi...just to be replaced by someone near that girl? A boy?
I'll have you.
She hid the pain from her family, heartbreak is normal after all. People only confess to her because she was the fat pitiful girl, she was used to it. But why does this hurt so much?
I'll have you shoulder everything for me.
She can't cry, she has duties to fulfill. She pushes that pain down and focuses on completing her project and duties as the girl people see her as. Usually, being the President could mean that you are the 'head' or leader of the class when the teacher isn't around, it feels like a dream isn't it? But for Prim? Being the President means needing to do things a Secretary or Monitor should do, needing to keep everyone in check or having to announce events going on in class. Yet the 'popular' girls think they're high and mighty and don't respect Prim, even though Prim wants to hurt them—she never does. She's surprised her patience last that long. Her own adviser is a useless adult as it doesn't even really act like one, giving Prim all the responsibility alone and it makes Prim sick.
It's not enough.
Her eyes lost their shine, she doesn't feel like her body is her own anymore. She doesn't even feel anything, she feels so numb.
You're not enough.
Everytime her mother tries to act affectionate after fighting with her, it makes Prim so sick. She knows she has mommy issues, yet her mom makes everything worse to the point she even questions her own life.
I won't let you go.
She doesn't know what went through her mother's mind, telling her details before, during and after Prim was born. Her father was never present during the time of her mother's pregnancy, he was staying at another girl's house and they broke it off when her mother found out. Yet, they got together when Prim was born. Their anniversary is Prim's birthday, causing her to dislike it.
Please forgive me.
She hates herself even more, disliking her own date of birth. Prim slowly underwent an identity crisis, she has thoughts she wishes to escape that even no internet or music can't help her escape it. She hates her own being, feeling betrayed and offended by the act that her parents had to keep. Pretending to be a 'happy' family, making her think abuse is normal when it isn't. She hates it.
Love me.
Prim doesn't understand why her life became like this.
Love me.
She's been sexually abused since childhood even up till now, no matter what her body looked like.
Love me.
Prim wants to fall in love, to trust someone again after that horrible relationship but...is it really worth it?
More and more.
A lady matures faster than a man is what her mother would say, yet it irritates Prim that her mother never let her experience a proper childhood without all the trauma and abuse or needing to be a perfect golden for validation.
Love me.
When Prim wants to wear what she wants, her mother acts dramatic about it. When Prim wants to put on makeup to make herself look pretty, her brothers act as if it's the end of the world and Prim hates it.
Love me.
Whenever Prim complains, her mother goes "It doesn't matter, you're an honor student now." It makes Prim wonder if that's what's really important to her mom.
So much that it's maddening.
Is her life even worth it just to be a trophy daughter? Is this what she'll grow up to? Pleasing people, putting on façades and always needing to put her pain away because her feelings aren't validated?
It hurts.
She can't breathe.
I won't let go.
Prim gasps for air as she sits up and tries to count to 10 as she takes deep breath.
It hurts.
Prim grips her hair. She's never had an anxiety attack before, she doesn't know what to do. She grabs her phone and tries to breathe. "Hello?" "Mom, come here please." She drops the call and phone as she cries, why can't she breathe?
More, more and hey.
Prim works hard everyday, to make people happy, keep her grades up and to make sure her body maintains it's healthy shape so she won't be rushed to the hospital anymore. She spent her childhood in a hospital and it was torture. White plains walls, machines and tubes around you, oxygen tanks, needles and you feel like wanting to die. Prim's used to the needles poking her skin, she has high pain tolerance after all. Puking acid, that horrible smell of soap they mop the floor with and the food.
This is happiness.
What's Updog?
Was wondering how to reintroduce Nyx and the idea of making some small comics again. Settled on this old idea, because it defines them so well
Reblogs are appreciated!