As Soon As I See That Jacket Again In The First Episode I WILL Burst Into Tears Like A Big Ol Baby ;A;

I had to add these.

When someone leaves your life, those exits are not made equal.

Some are beautiful and poetic and satisfying. - Techno

Others are abrupt and unfair. - Ranboo

But most are just unremarkable, unintentional, clumsy. - Phil

Por favor no le digas a mi padre

Por favor no le digas a mi padre.

No le digas que he visto un cadáver,

no le digas que fui a admirarlo,

no le digas que quise tocarlo.

Por favor no le digas que me vi

en sus ojos reflejada,

no le digas que fui su mano a tocarla

y que fría aún no estaba.

Por favor no le digas

que no llamé a la policía

que solo me quede admirando

mientras la noche aún seguía.

Por favor no le digas que me fui

mientras este ahora sonreía

ya que por fin

se ponía a enfriar.

Another sketch commission 💜

thinking about c!phil. c!phil & techno & how they are soldiers who breathe violence -- how that impacts phil's parenting.

thinking about how they canonically fought together as the antarctic empire. thinking about phil & techno as fellow soldiers, both emotionally stunted, & how they found solace in knowing the other is absolutely loyal. an bloodforged unspoken trust deeper than any verbal oath they could've made. thinking about how often they might have pushed through pain & left it festering & unaddressed bc it was all they knew: don't talk about it. carry on & deal with trauma only when it crops up. it's probably the way both of them deal with it best, but that's not... mentally sustainable.

thinking about how c!phil consistently resorts to violence to solve the big problems (wilbur, l'manberg). thinking about how he can't address ~emotions~ for squat. thinking about how c!techno does the same things.

thinking about the probable lessons they learned from war. the ends justify the means. violence is the only language that people respect. pay an insult back a hundredfold to establish your strength; people will back off. trauma is weakness & people will take advantage of it. keep your true feelings & loyalties close to your chest & continually reevaluate the situation. alliances could fall apart any moment, any situation could be a trap, so paranoia is survival. if you need to, make the hard choice & live with it. blunt the emotional pain by bottling up/dulling your emotions--whatever works. (I'm not super familiar with SMP Earth, so please add some examples if you are!)

thinking about how all of this really doesn't translate well to parenting.

but if that's all c!phil knows, we can't expect him to do it differently.

wilbur's perspective on parenthood is rooted only in tallulah's emotional wellbeing, but that neglects her physical wellbeing. wilbur is similar to tallulah in that both of them are rather new to the world, and neither understand the atrocities that have already taken place. wilbur believes that he only needs to emotionally equip tallulah, and he can take care of the rest. he frequently tells her how much he loves her, he sings to her, he goes the extra mile to make sure she knows that he's proud of her. all of this is great and absolutely necessary, but wilbur is not giving her the final necessary thing in this world: physical protection. he doesn't understand that he won't always be there to protect her, even though he knows that he'll literally be away for long periods of time. he doesn't understand how easy it is for these eggs to break. he doesn't understand that people will kill her for the sake of killing her. and as a result, he doesn't feel the need to give her armor or weapons. wilbur thinks that he can protect her physical wellbeing because he'll always be there, but he's mistaken. at least if she dies, she'll do so knowing that she's loved. but she'll be dead anyway, and it'll be wilbur's fault.

me: okay time to go to slee-

my brain: in the sign of the four, holmes professes decisively that he will never marry, lest it clouds his judgment, nor will he ever love. in later stories, however, we see him saying things like "should i ever marry" or "should i ever have a son". he seems to have become quietly more open to the possibility of love ever since his relationship with watson flourished because watson makes holmes believe in love

me, crying: fuck you

Wilbur doesn't know why he knows the steps. It feels like a dance you remember only in a hazy state. Walking beside a small kid, careful not to trip into her stride feels right. He feels like something overtakes him to speak in a gentler voice of reassurance. To sing her a song goodnight is instinct, not just as a musician but as something else. It feels so strange all of a sudden that he of all people is so careful with a child he's never met until that day. When he heard he was possibly a dad, he simply dismissed it like minor news. Akin to hearing you have a spider in your home or it's raining in 4 days, he'll get to it but it's nothing really.

But now he cares so much, he'd wreak havoc if anything happened to Tallulah. It feels like deja vu, like looking through a mirror to another world. A world where he has a special place surrounded by redwood trees and by the riverside. That other guy he's looking at, he's building everything up just for his own kid, with the same face of care and concerns as his own. He's singing some lullabies as him, matching the cadences and lyrics even if hushed and mumbled. He's teaching how to shoot a bow and arrow to his kid just like him, explaining the steps the same as him. He's leaving the kid soon just like the other, but at least he's trusting someone else to take care in his stead.

There's another kid, he realises. And that kid looks sad, in spite of the beautiful scenery. That kid is looking at walls, just like Tallulah. He's not living in much comfort or glamour, just like Tallulah. He's learning how to fend for himself with a bow and arrow, Tallulah will be like that soon. He's seen the dance, the rhythm of a deadbeat. And now its up to him to change the paces.

Will doesn't know why he pauses in faint recollection when a memory doesn't exist. It's merely a dream from a bygone night, but what's a memory but not a dream you've seen before. Yet when remembers walking through the forest and a flash of red fur snickering, he doesn't understand why a pang of burrowing feelings hits him.

And that feeling turns to drive, a desire to be at least the best dad he can be for now. For Tallulah and for that lonely kid he doesn't remember.

Luke Skywalker/Darth Vader by BossLogic

when did i lose you?

compilation