Latest Posts by someonedefinitely - Page 2

so um i think I've gotten a new hyper fixation (bluelock)

sigma is very alone on valentine's :( would YOU like to be his date?

wdym retry later i jus wanna read 😢😢

Waking up in the house of a man you haven't spoken to in years is certainly odd—at least for Dazai.

...Turns out being pathetically drunk has some advantages.

[Chapter 2/2] Soukoku <3

plans changed I decided to finish this instead of studying :D

sigma my beloved (wtf is up with the quality)

tried to challenge myself with weird ahh face perspective + hands and unfortunately fyodor had to suffer because of it (og under cut)

chat remember that one sigma x reader i was gonna write? what if I perhaps maybe perchance include smut in it.......

wdym the shields are up bruh all i wanted was to shield myself from reality by AO3 😭😭

CHAT HEAR ME OUT

imagine a fyolai art: fyodor behind nikolai (to make it easier let's imagine kolya sitting and fedya standing behind him). Fyodor is holding Nikolai's eyepatch thing (? I forgot what its called) which is broken in half, while Nikolai holds Fyodor's arms

what tf does this mean, you may ask. well!

(ch 121 spoilers) we saw fyodor tear the page, but there is a popular theory that it wasn't actually the book page, so we can say that the act was a farce. when we see fyodor doing the same here, its showing how nikolai's attempt at freedom (by killing fyodor back in Meursalt) was nothing but a farce (planned out by fyodor).

now, why would Nikolai be holding Fyodor's arms, you may ask. well, I imagine kolya holding them in the way a prisoner holds the bars to their cage. this is pretty self explanatory with reference to the fyolai dynamic

so I imagine fyodor serving face and Nikolai looking... Well. Uneasy. His eyepatch, which he used as an on switch for his fake persona, is broken; so showing himself in his entirety would be odd to him naturally.

someone draw this I'm actually going crazy rn. I was gonna but I gotta sleep and ain't no way I'll have motivation in the morning (also soz for the irregular punctuation I'm like half asleep i think)

OKAY IM REALLY LATE BUT HAPPY BDAY GIN!!

"Mama I'm chasing a ghost, I don't know who he is.

Mama I'm chasing a ghost, do I look like him?"

I’m not sure if I’ve ever posted my Dazai desi mayoi edits here but here we go!!

(Friendly reminder that I hc him as half-Japanese, half -Indian!!)

BAHAHAHA YES OMG

if there is a dazai fanclub in the bsd universe, fyodor is its leader without a DOUBT

if there is a dazai fanclub in the bsd universe, fyodor is its leader without a DOUBT

I'll do one better: since dazai is usually described as an 'old soul', and fyodor is obviously old asf, would they be considered as old man yaoi?

UUUM WTF IS THE ENDING OF 121 SUPPOSED TO MEAN?????? ACTUALLY ALL OF IT???? WHAT THE FREEAAAAK??

okay yap time.

so. recap.

Fyodor ripped the page. What the f man? DAZAIS BACK!! Atsushi hallucinated about him yet again🕺🏾. AKUTAGAWAS ALIVE🥳🥳🥳 but he is being held by an amen-no-gozen…. Oh yeah theres two now :/

BUT BUT BUT!!!

what in the freak frack does this mean🧍

ATSUSHI KNOWS WHAT DAZAI IS (homo)

happy birthday to my god suguru geto!!!!!!

ERM WDYM WE'RE GETTING THE NEXT CHAPTER SOON ISN'T IT DECEMBER RN???

so I just watched Cash is alive's video on Nikolai (they are literally amazing btw, I love their interpretations), and the video finally got me thinking ('cause I'm slow asf like that):

Nikolai knows that Fyodor uses him. Fyodor used Nikolai to leave Meursalt, leaving the latter under the impression that he died. Now, would Nikolai be mad that his emotions were played with? That Fyodor made him believe that Nikolai lost the only person that 'understood' him? I mean, it's not Fyodor wouldn't have known that he'd toy with Nikolai's feelings by pulling the act---like, he's smart asf.

So, rationally he should be mad. But he could also be in awe. Surprised, with the fact that there is a chance he could never truly escape and be free. So, what would that entail for Fyodor?

First of all, Fyodor isn't at any disadvantage in the manga as of yet. We know Akutagawa will eventually pop off (perhaps with Atsushi, now that he really hates Fyodor for taking his friends away), which will probably happen in the February chapter. That could result in Fyodor being in major trouble; he has aminogozen (or whatever his name is) but if that thing's defeated, Fyodor's kinda fucked? Or not, because of his ability but he can be somewhat physically restrained or something (WHERE THE FUCK IS DAZAI).

Here, could Nikolai finally come into play? Using his teleportation thingie (i know it has a cap and it's like. Barely been a few hours since the shit went down or something. Would it be enough for Nikolai to be there?) and then finally we'd see the effect of Fyodor on Nikolai. Would Nikolai be on his side, support him, 'save' him from shin soukoku? Or would he finally break?

Honestly, so interesting to think about. Before Dazai and Chuuya join the battlefield, I'm sure they should have some dialogue with Sigma, where Fyodor's memories are mentioned. Then the brain storming or whatever would begin, and they'd try to get to Yokohama ASAP (because, again, Dazai's ability and that it is only him that Fyodor can't affect.)

But because of this, obviously Dazai and Chuuya won't be joining in. So we naturally have Nikolai, which was the topic of discussion (sorry I'm rambling I'm shit at this analysing thing).

Asagiri could take this two ways. Either make Nikolai even more obsessed with Fyodor because of realising he still cares about Fyodor, or make Nikolai break the chain and turn on him.

Everything I've said is inspired by the video, and I really urge everyone to watch it! All in all, I am so excited for the new manga chapter coming soon.

Here's the link:

me after i crashed out while ao3 was down for like two minutes:

me when my love (ao3) finally comes back from war (those previous downs) just to be drafted back again (error 503):

NOO IS AO3 DOWN?! I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF SENDING A COMMENT WHAAAAA

hey guys, remember the post i made two and a half hours ago about making a soukoku songfic (Feel Better by Penelope Scott) with Dazai's POV? well.. enjoy the 2k words!! edit: uploaded on ao3 and attached link!!

A nice pace—it was the best description Dazai could come up with whenever he asked himself to describe what sort of a life he was living now.

Not too slow like it was before joining the Detective Agency—he needed some action, but not as violent and urgent as his Port Mafia days.

But something prevented him from outright admitting that.

Sure, the usual hectic nature of the office was enough, and his co-workers were alright, but something felt off.

Dazai’s pen glided over the sheet, the ink melting into the page precisely as he directed the object to.

Precise. That was his life. Something he personally and perfectly curated it to. Of course, he was a genius, and with that came some useful methods to manipulate his surroundings to just what he preferred.

For some reason, he'd been doing the opposite as of late.

Likely to distance himself from the mafia. Obviously he continued to hide behind his mask, but his mannerisms were so much more genuine.

There was only one person he'd shown that side to before.

The grip on his pen tightened and his movements paused, making the ink pool over the specific spot and ruin the word that was previously placed.

His previous train of thought far gone, he shifted to a new line, and began to write, this time with less grace.

I don't wanna feel better

No one's ever gonna love me like that again

I don't wanna get over you

I wanna sit with you in bed

I don't wanna feel better

I'd give anything to miss you again

I don't wanna get over it

I wanna get under it instead

It felt as if his inner-consciousness was regularly at war with his brain. Thoughts of Hatrack somehow always seemed to invade and plague his mind.

Of course he could keep his mind hushed during the day and force himself to pay attention to work; but in the quiet confines of the night, however, the designated time he kept to truly tear his feelings and thoughts out as the room was darkened in solitude other than that lampshade…

The lampshade was nothing but a personification he created in his mind. The lampshade didn't actually care. No, the lampshade shouldn't care.

He hated that he wanted the lampshade to care, though.

…He was surprised at that particular thought. Was he healing like the lampshade told him so?

A book sits on top of clean and messy blankets

On a bed that fuckin' creaks at night when I get in it late

And late at night, I'm chugging Gatorade

And someone's breaking up when I crack up

Because I know I'll never know just what to say

Ever since he'd left the Port Mafia, all he had done was write. What else was there to do before joining the Agency?

So he wrote.

He filled out books with diary entries. Alongside keeping journals, he began to write poems.

Just like now.

He was honestly surprised how he hadn't done this earlier in his mafia days—it was so much easier to express his thoughts in writing than saying it out loud.

Of course he'd tried. He tried. He tried for him.

Eventually it's impossible to continue, even if the person deserves it.

I'm a communist, a terrorist, an MPDG thot

Or I'm a sad girl in a dorm room, living out the shady Christian plot of

Twilight or The Bible or The Lover by Duras

Or I'm just really fuckin' selfish and really fuckin' lost

It really felt as if he were in a reimagining of some cliché tragic romance, and only for him.

Surely Slug had forgotten all about him. And even if he hadn't, surely he'd have such an impression that, if Dazai’s name were brought up, he'd dismiss the topic with a scorn.

That certainly was the case. Dazai was never wrong in his calculations, after all.

…But, what did he think of that deduction?

But someone loved me, someone fucking loved me

Someone fucking loved me and I fuckin' loved them too

Goddamn it, I was worth something, I fuckin' learned something

I had my cake (I ate it, it ate me too and, God, no)

I don't wanna feel better

Some things always fascinated Dazai.

The fact that he could be the object of affection, for one.

Being so wasn't the same as respect; he had the respect of so many—Port Mafia members when he was still one, his co-workers in the Detective Agency, but to truly be the muse to one’s love and kindness?

His first thought would go to Odasaku. But that was familial.

His second thought made him wonder how he always managed to fucked things up.

We kept our liquor in a suitcase underneath my bed

And we drank it to go out or just stay in or to feel sad

But in a hot way, a way I'll fuckin' never have again

The sun has began to set

Of course Dazai and Slug knew each other as teenagers. And of course they’d drink anyway, because they'd done much more illegal shit than underage drinking.

Dazai drunk a lot. Alone, with his former friends, and even now with the adult members of the Agency—but nothing could meet the odd domesticity of him and Chibi cheering after a mission in his apartment.

Sometimes they drunk because of their shitty lives. Sometimes they drunk just because. Sometimes they drunk as an excuse to stay in his bedroom.

Sometimes they drunk to have something to blame as they awoke a day later in the bed unclothed.

The lamp flickered.

I'm a socialist, Marxist, libertarian slut

I am an awkward teenage virgin and I sort of kinda laugh a lot in bed

But other times, I cry or don't make noise at all

I'd give my life to have a room that feels that small

Dazai is known for his exaggerated expressions—it looked as if he wore his emotions on his sleeve.

It was all a mask, of course. Why would Dazai be that vulnerable voluntarily? Someone would have to force it out.

Someone had.

It felt as if it were yesterday, clinging onto his shirt and bunching it all up in his hands as Dazai buried his face into the shorter man’s neck at an awkward angle, sobbing uncontrollably.

Or sometimes they’d sit together in the comfortable silence.

It wasn't as if he didn't trust the Agency’s members and couldn't be as vulnerable with them because of it, but simply that only when all of them were combined did they equal to what he had with Chibi.

Would he really mind if he’d have to make a switch in spending time with him, than the ADA?

'Cause someone loved me, someone fucking loved me

Someone fucking loved me, I loved them too

Goddamn it, I was worth something, I fuckin' earned something

I have a right to die, a right to live, a right to choose, too

And God, no!

Of course I don't wanna feel better!

Can you fucking imagine?!

The concept of having a reason to live had always confused Dazai. It was possibly his biggest question in life which he usually never gave a second thought to.

Until, of course, the reason arrived. In full force.

Chibi’s reaction to Dazai simply staring at the vein he’d nicked too hard once—the frantic begging for Dazai to take things seriously, the panic in his eyes, a whole storm, not only in his irises, but visible on his face.

He sort of stopped.

He isn't aware why he doesn't go all out while trying out methods anymore.

…To think that blatantly false statement would mock his intellect, yet it was his own thought from his own mind.

He didn't need to think further, simply observing the pen going over the ruled lines in order.

No one's ever gonna love me like that again

I don't wanna get over it

I wanna rip the stars to shreds

I don't wanna feel better

Of course he'd had one night stands here and there in the aftermath of leaving the Mafia.

For him? It was good enough.

He knew it'd be fruitless to look for love, so obviously he wouldn't even bother trying.

Of course it hurt, of course it fuckin' hurt

It hurt like nothing in the world sometimes

That I was super scared, and we were all a train-wreck

And also somehow making it

I think I might've died there twice, and I would do it all again

Port Mafia had fucked him up.

No, to only write one sentence to describe what he had gone through would be an understatement.

The only reason he could even recognise that was because of a special few.

Slug, Odasaku, and now the Agency members. The Agency members who made him unknowingly recognise how easily an environment can be uncontrolling and non-manipulating.

But, despite the change in scenery, which was clearly doing wonders for his mental health—something felt wrong.

Off.

Sure, life at the mafia was terrible, but it felt home, because that was all Dazai knew once. And as the years passed upon his leaving, he came to the revelation that he'd go through with it all over again for him.

I'm a nihilist, a soldier, an OCD-machine

Or I'm a healthy baby-girl who traded sunshine for disease

But when my head hit my cheap pillow, I could tell I had a heart

And I wanna tear this fascist Milky Way apart

Being a weapon never bothered Dazai.

He never even had a reason to live, so when Mori came along, Dazai played his games.

Continuing his way of living with an attempt here and there—the usual. For him, the glass would always be half empty.

Or atleast supposed to.

Getting a reason to live is weird.

'Cause someone loved me, someone fuckin' loved me

All my filthy life I loved someone I barely knew

Goddamn it, I was worth something, I fuckin' learned something

And it felt better in my mouth than fresh warm food

Port Mafia was his entire life once.

And they were partners once.

For the important part of his life, Slug was all he knew. He knew and didn't at the same time.

Sure they told each other things, but it was always either the heaviest childhood trauma or an exchange of insults—no in between.

In spite of the insulting remarks, he felt so understood.

He actually felt as if he had worth.

It was a nice dynamic.

His frantic pace of writing practically turned to scribbles.

I guess I loved you, I guess I really loved you

All my filthy life I loved someone I barely knew

And now you're over there, and I'm way over here

What am I gonna do?

Guess he would admit it.

And he frankly, didn't care.

He didn't care that he'd lost his only chance. He didn't care if the one person who saw him for what he truly was, the one person who’d shown him love and affection in his own way, didn't care.

Good.

Chuuya would feel better without him.

He didn't care if Chuuya believed the opposite. He didn't care if Chuuya believed that having someone who cared about him would help him feel better.

If that truly were the case?

I don't wanna feel better

No one's ever gonna love me like that again

I don't wanna get over you

I wanna sit with you in bed

I don't wanna feel better

Somehow, his mind, his treacherous fucking mind, wanted the opposite. Not the calculating, rational one—no, the emotional one.

He wanted to get over him, he really did—but why would his hand write the opposite? Why did his subconscious steer his strokes in the other direction? Why had he done so the entire poem?

…He really did want to sit in bed with Chuuya one last time.

the urge to write a soukoku songfic (the song in question being Feel Better by Penelope Scott) from Dazai's POV

waiting for someone to write a fanfiction about them 🤭

i personally think horace was a simp and red gown lady seduced him. change my mind.

me getting ready to listen to Who The Hell Is Edgar? whole day long

I genuinely just can't believe how quickly Jan has gone like what

I still remember December being like I GOTTA WAIT UNTIL FEB FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER WHAAA

...and now...

man I love writing angsty fanfiction

I’ve never seen this freak before in my life (lie)