Sophisticated-trash - Unbetitelt

Bucky: you used to wear newspapers in your shoes Steve: *heart eyes* can’t read that in a museum Sam: seriously?? right in front of my salad???

I share your pain

No but seriously where is the Amos/Alex content hidden?

Hydra Agent: I lured you all to my lair because I crave the deadliest game-

Bucky: [nodding] Knife monopoly

Sam:

Sharon:

Hydra Agent: I was actually going to hunt you all for sport, but now I’m interested in whatever knife monopoly is.

au where eberytjings the same but they have to go to five guyd

The leprechaun and the golfer

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer’s ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

‘Arrgh! What happened?’ the Leprechaun asked.

'I’m afraid I hit you with my golf ball,’ the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?’

'Thank God, you’re all right!’ the golfer answers in relief. 'I don’t want anything, I’m just glad you’re OK, and I apologize.’

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,’ the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things I would want… a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.’

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here, ’ the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how’s yer golf game?’

'My game is fantastic!’ the golfer answers. 'I’m an internationally famous golfer now.’ He adds, 'By the way, it’s good to see you’re all right.’

'Oh, I’m fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how’s yer money situation?’

'Why, it’s just wonderful!’ the golfer says cheerfully. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn’t even know were there!’

'I did that fer ye also.’ And tell me, how’s yer sex life?’

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It’s OK.’

'C'mon, c'mon now,’ urged the Leprechaun, 'I’m wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?’

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.’

'What??’ responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That’s all? Only once or twice a week?’

'Well,’ says the golfer, 'I figure that’s not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.’

I’ve been really getting into Space Orcs

Alien: Jake, what are you doing? Human: Oh, hey K’van. I’m just petting my cat. A: … what. H: Y’know, my animal companion? They use touch to express affection, so I’m petting her. A: But… is that not a predator of your world? I know of its cousins, and some of them aren’t much larger than that! You wouldn’t pet those, would you? H: First of all, if given the opportunity, and assuming they wouldn’t tear my arm off, I completely would, because I love cats. Second of all, yes, literally everything about Mittens is designed to kill. She has toe pads and a stride that make her virtually silent, whiskers that can detect the slightest movement, and retractable claws and razor sharp teeth. She can also jump, like, at least to my height. Yeah, she’s got at least two ways to kill me if she ever decided to. A: Then why would you ever domesticate a creature like this?! H: Well, we didn’t. A: I’m sorry, what? H: Yeah, they’re genetically and behaviorally identical to their ancestors. They just kinda hung around us because there were lots of rats and mice around our grain stores. A: So, you have essentially wild animals in your homes that don’t hurt you because they tolerate your presence? H: Yeah, pretty much. But they’re pretty affectionate. A: Really. H: Yeah, if we die and can’t feed them, our corpses are their last resort. A: This world is beyond screwed up.

★ pot ★ - original post