Sophisticated-trash - Unbetitelt

get out there and take on the world!!!!!!!!!!

the world is weak, you can take em. aim for the head

hmmm

I like the idea that humans are space orcs because of being walking trashbins which are a flaming wreckage of bodge jobs all the way down. Ships are floating clouds of debris under constant repair or... improvement. Space suits are held together with duct tape. We are literally covered in swarms of bacteria which are 50/50 on purpose or debilitating illness, not to mention filled up in side with the same.

Humans get sick or hurt and most aliens are just like "not sure if this is an infection, or if you'll die without it." The last time anyone tried to repair a human operated ship, the resulting explosion blasted a nearby moon through a wormhole into orbit around a different planet.

Even human genetics is a total trashpile, junk genes, weird extra DNA that no one knows what it does, former viruses, you name it, somewhere down the line humans just vacuumed up everything into the go-juice and stacked it up like a genetic hoarder. The study of human biology is half occult science half transmutation until one guy starts breaking it down and discovers chunks of hundreds of other alien genetics and basically it turns out Earth was a kind of "makeout point" back in the days of primordial ooze and was filled so full of outer space ejaculate that under a modern day equivalent of black light it still glows brighter than the sun.

I share your pain

No but seriously where is the Amos/Alex content hidden?

“What do you do in your free time!”

”oh uh-“

(Not mine just found it)

Today I was forced to do internet banking for the first time in like four years (sad) and they’ve put in a bunch of new security shit I don’t understand and all my info like my phone number and stuff was out of date, so I had to physically go into the branch and actually ask the teller “can you please help me do internet banking” like I’m some doddering old dear who doesn’t understand this newfangled World Wide Web thing and IT GETS WORSE, because they’re like ‘okay so the easiest way to deal with our security is if you have our app on your phone’ and I DO NOT WANT apps on my phone and I grumble about this in the most Old Man Way possible but they say it’s the easiest so fine, we can do that, only there’s an in-bank security step for authenticating the app so the lady helping me has to sit down and wait while I pull out my old scratched beaten-up dinosaur of a Barely Counts As A Smartphone, wait forever for it to wake up, and open the app store.

I do not know where the app store is.

Okay, this lady explains to me (she is very good at customer service and there’s absolutely no sign on her face that she is baffled how someone like me can even be alive, even though logically she HAS TO be thinking that), it should be in your apps. Look at your apps.

I do not know how to look at my apps. I use like 4 apps (call, text, photos, music) and I put them on the front screen thing ages ago. I push all of the buttons on the phone and apps do not appear. There’s nothing in settings or anything either.

Try swiping up, she says.

I try this a few times. My phone does not register the contact. On the fourth time, it realises that I want it to do something, and oh, there are the apps. We install the app. We do all the sign-in and authentification code shit and it does not work. We do it again and it does not work again.

“If I had a checkbook I’d be out of here by now,” I say. She laughs because it is true. We’ve been here for twenty minutes. I restart my phone to see if that’s the problem and grumble under my breath about how banking never used to be so complicated. As I open the app again, I ask how people do internet banking if they don’t have phones.

She seems puzzled by the question. “We have ways for them to do banking,” she says, “but most… most people have phones.”

She’s probably right. You probably need a phone to survive if you’re homeless these days.

The program loads now but catches us in an endless sign-in loop and the problem, we learn from a supervisor who’s wandered over (presumably to see how helping one idiot put an app on their phone could possibly be taking so long) is actually not on my end. There’s something wrong with the version of the app that the woman assisting me has put on my account on the computer (that’s her half in this operation), so we have to uninstall the app on both systems and reinstall it. Fine. I uninstall the app. Now to go to the app store.

I have forgotten how to access the app store. I push all of the buttons on the phone and apps do not appear. There’s nothing in settings or anything either.

Try swiping up, the woman says.

Oh. There’s the app store.

We install it and get caught in an endless loop again but I am computer savvy enough to know that if restarting and reinstalling doesn’t work then sometimes just trying the same thing over and over again will make it work for no reason, and it does, after I sign in three times in a row we can FINALLY authenticate the app and I can FINALLY use it for two-factor authentication and I CAN FINALLY DO INTERNET BANKING AGAIN.

“Thanks for your help,” I say.

“No problem.”

“I’m sorry it took so long,” I say.

“It’s really not a problem,” she says, and because she’s a professional it’s totally convincing, but I have helped people with tech before and I know how much it sucks. I look at this woman who, on any other day, would be a good few years older than me, but not today. For today, I am a doddering 96-year-old woman who wishes for a simple chequebook and does not like smartphones.

I get up, and I pick up my bag and my walking stick, and I leave the bank, thinking about the scarf I’ve been knitting and how much more work I have to do on it. I wonder if I should bake scones tonight.

I have already forgotten how to open the app store.

Pepper: what the fuck? why is the house on fire?

Peter: in my defence, Mr. Stark was supposed to be supervising me

Tony: and in my defence, I myself was left unsupervised

Pepper: Jesus Christ

Space Australia

This trend has probably died out, but screw it I’m gonna make this. It’s been well established that Humans could probably have a lot of weird adaptations that Aliens just... don’t have. The aliens get weirded out by humans a lot, especially when it comes to sneezing.

Human: *sneezes*

Alien: WHAT IN THE NAME OF LORELIAK WAS THAT?

Human: oh, just my allergies

Alien: What are... Alla-gees?

Human: oh, they’re just *VIOLENT SNEEZE* when your body thinks that something—like this dust— is a virus and tries to get rid of it. Humans sneeze all the time.

Alien: dust can make humans sick!

Human: ah, AH, *makes a stupid face*

Alien: AGHAJSKDLDKS

Human: nope. Not gonna sneeze.

——

Alien: Then, we’ll—

Human A:*tiny, delicate, high-pitched “ah-choo”

Other humans: *giggle at the sound*

Human A: *tiny sneeze*

Alien: um... A? Why are you making that sound?

Human B: omg their sneeze is so cute.

Alien: bodily protection against illness is... cute???

—

Human A sitting at a table with her dad: Alien, meet my dad

Alien: nice to meet you, conceiver of human A

Human A’s Dad: *sneezes so hard he hits his head on the table*

Alien: ... What?