"I'm So Sad That Sloths Don't Know How Much I Appreciate Them..."

"Moles are slowly killing me..."

“It’s not porn, one of them is on fire!”

“Have you got any friends and family?”

-My teacher, to the same student she implied had a small penis

"I can't believe people live in California..."

“I refuse to get this philosophical over Pingu.”

“Physically I’m here, but spiritually I’m in 15th century France being a lesbian.”

People have been saying stupid stuff since language was invented and I don’t say anything so all I can do is listen, and I’ve been doing that my entire life, but the second I decide to post some of it, nobody say anything even remotely funny??

“You’ve got a crazy grandma.”

-my grandma, being so right

“Zounds, ye whore!”

-Literally William Shakespeare

"A bunch of babies and dinosaurs? That's a good band name."