Scrooge: I've Met Some Insufferable People.

one of many reasons castiel spent the first year of knowing dean trying not to strangle him: dean’s weird little winchester-only dialect

i’m fucking obsessed with this right now, so buckle in for a meta. a cool fun (horrible) thing about dean’s dialogue is that a good 90% of what comes out of his mouth is:

a pop culture reference (“you’re just gonna take some divine bong hit, and shazam, you’re roma downey?”)

references to real life phenomenon (“i don’t wanna wake up missing a kidney in a bathtub full of ice” “try new mexico, i hear he’s on a tortilla”)

these also often take the form of nicknames, and dean has a tendency to give people nicknames in general or call them something besides their given name, whether it’s affectionate or rude (“easy there, van damme” “so i’m girl interrupted” furthermore castiel = cas, ezekiel = zeke, etc, see also frequent use of “chucklehead” “asshat” and on the nicer/endearments end “buddy” “pal” “sunshine” etc)

an idiom (“a snowball’s chance” “if it smells like a duck…”)

slang (“drinking the koolaid” “jonesing for some hooch” not to mention the literal endless amount of words dean uses to refer to killing - gank, waste, juice, ice, etc)

a metaphor (“power up your batteries” “fly me back to my page on the calendar”)

a euphemism (“cloud seeding” “i’d have given you an hour alone with her first”)

sarcasm (his habit of replying “peachy” or “super” when asked how he is)

wordplay (see: the entire “vampirate” and “werepire” debacles)

completely nonsensical (guessing what happened to a magical artifact: “it was dug up by tomb raiders? it was seized by the king of the dead by warlords?”)

said at lightning speed - if you pay attention, dean actually talks a LOT, usually a mile a minute (this makes me feel a way when you recall him being nonverbal for a year at age 4 but that’s another post)

slang IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE (casual usage of “guano,” etc)

a lie, a deflection, a joke, etc

or worse, something dean’s NOT saying, deliberately, because he’s one of the most repressed people on earth

the end result of all this being:

dean winchester is utterly infuckingcomprehensible. 

think about this. there’s an ENTIRE SECTION on EVERY SINGLE EPISODE PAGE of the spn wiki devoted to JUST explaining dean’s pop culture references, because the average viewer won’t have seen everything he’s talking about either. they have a whole page for this called “hunter’s lingo,” but honestly, it’s not all hunters, just sam and dean’s fucking batshit communication style. even i don’t understand dean half the time. SAM gets it, sam speaks it back to dean a lot in the early seasons, but that’s because sam and dean are 1. practically two halves of the same person 2. FREAKS. every time we get an episode that involves outsider POV is devoted to them going “what the fuck is WRONG with them?”

enter castiel. technically speaking, the show implies that angels are omnilingual. castiel should understand every language known to man, but knowing the meaning of words doesn’t help him understand the following:

pop culture references

references to real life phenomenon

nicknames

idioms

slang

metaphors

euphemisms

sarcasm

wordplay

you get the idea.

listen to me. look me in the eyes. castiel cannot understand a single fucking word that comes out of dean’s mouth. my guy laid a hand on dean winchester in hell and immediately fell in love with him and has no fucking idea what he’s talking about ever. because not only is dean winchester’s way of speaking CLINICALLY insane, and sometimes incomprehensible even to other human beings who are not sam, castiel is an angel, and someone prone to taking things even more literally than other angels do

go back and watch and watch seasons 4-5 especially. the reason cas does so much squinting and head tilting is because every time dean opens his mouth castiel has to open up his mental “dean winchester dictionary” and translate entire paragraphs on the fly, because again, dean never shuts up!

what makes this extra hilarious to me is this gem:

this line is from 5.13. at this point cas has known dean for AN ENTIRE YEAR AND A HALF. what you see here is my guy SNAPPING. cas made an EFFORT in this scene. he asked who glenn close was. he’s telling dean that he can’t understand him. he is doing his level best to have a normal conversation with this guy he has a crush on and for the life of him he cannot do it (equal but opposite energy to cas blowing up the gas station and motel room in 4.01, tbh)

yes, cas can understand dean’s tone. he can use context clues, and he usually gets the general idea. and when cas DOES understand dean’s jokes, he laughs at them. the first time we ever see him smile is during their 4.07 heart-to-heart when dean says “it was a witch, not the tet offensive.” since cas has knowledge of human history, he knows what the tet offensive is; he got the joke, and he laughed.

but as far as actual dialogue goes, he consistently struggles to keep up. even after metatron gives castiel the pop culture knowledge in season 9, cas struggles to put it to put it to proper use (dean: “you wanna just walk right into the death star?” cas: “what does a fictional battle station have to do with this?”). whenever he asks dean to clarify it’s always when he’s most annoyed, like most of the time he knows it would be futile but he’s too annoyed to care. (dean: “i don’t know who’s on first, what’s on second!” cas: “what IS second???”) i’m pretty sure he spends seasons 4-6 wanting to shake dean by the shoulders and ask him why he is LIKE THIS. 

it takes cas - who, again, is omnilingual - YEARS to begin to acclimate to dean’s speech and start speaking that language back to him. it’s season 8 before we start really hearing him use slang, season 9 before he begins to understand wordplay, season 10 before he starts using pop culture references (to other angels, who immediately fail to understand him, which disappoints him immensely), and season 11 before he really gets into metaphors. i don’t remember what season he started using “yeah” instead of “yes” but i do know it took a really damn long time. 

and honestly, i don’t think cas truly got the hang of it until at least season 11-12. that’s something like 7 or 8 YEARS. it’s more than half the time they’ve known each other at the point of the series finale. 

so what’s true romance, fellas? it’s falling completely and totally in love with the most inexplicable person you will ever meet in your whole 4.5 billion year life, even though you have yet to understand a single thing he’s ever said to you. thank you for coming to my ted talk

[spn masterpost]

Steven: Let's get a birthday cake!

Marc: But our birthday isn't even this month?

Steven, whispering: The cake won't know that.

Marc:

Marc: Valid. Let's get two.

Sometimes, it’s difficult for Cicero to cope with being alone in the Sanctuary, on the rare occasion that all the other initiates are out on contracts. It brings him back to times when it was only him and the Night Mother, but even then, she never spoke to him so it was unbearable silence. So whenever he’s left alone, with just the Night Mother, he curls up at her feet and automatically starts to strain his ears, jumping violently at the slightest sounds; much like he did back in the Cheydinhal Sanctuary. It takes quite a while for the Listener to piece it together but when they do, they insist on bringing Cicero along whenever they know the Sanctuary is going to be momentarily abandoned, just to keep him out of that darker, maddening place.

"the doctor was completely colourblind for his first two incarnations" is hilarious for many reasons but at least partly because it implies the third doctor just woke up one day suddenly able to see in colour and immediately decided to start dressing like a gay parrot

gabriel, throwing an arm around jack: ah! my nephewlim!

i fucked around on a random incorrect quote generator but with sbi/bee duo/chuckle sammie

(made with this)

SBI

Phil: I think we're missing something.

Wilbur: Teamwork?

Techno: Cohesion?

Tommy: A general sense of what we’re doing?

-

(Phil's helping Wilbur out after they get injured, while the others are watching)

Techno: How does Wilbur look?

Tommy: A little better than you, actually.

-

Phil: Tonight, one of you will betray us.

Wilbur: Is it me, Phil?

Phil: No, it’s not you.

Techno: Is it me, Phil?

Phil: It’s not you either.

Tommy: Is it me, Phil?

Phil:

Phil, mockingly: Is IT mE Phil?

-

Phil: *Trying to fill out legal paperwork stuff* Were you guys born AMAB or AFAB?

Wilbur: Bold of you to assume I was born at all.

Techno: I personally was created in a lab.

Tommy: I just straight up spawned lol.

-

Phil: How did none of you hear what I just said?

Wilbur: I’ve been zoned out for the past two and a half hours.

Techno: I got distracted about halfway through.

Tommy: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.

-

Phil: Why is Wilbur so sad?

Techno: They took one of those “Which Character Are You?” quizzes

Phil: And...?

Wilbur: I got Tommy.

-

Phil: You know those things will kill you, right?

Wilbur, pouring another glass of whiskey: That’s the point.

Techno, smoking a cigarette: We’re trying to speed up the process.

Tommy: *Nods while eating raw cookie dough*

-

Phil: *Gently taps table*

Wilbur: *Taps back*

Tommy: What are they doing?

Techno: Morse code.

Phil: *Aggressively taps table*

Wilbur: *Slams hands down* YOU TAKE THAT BACK-

-

Phil: Can I be frank with you guys?

Wilbur: Sure, but I don’t see how changing your name is gonna help.

Tommy: Can I still be Tommy?

Techno: Shh, let Frank speak.

-

Bee Dou

Tubbo, struggling to keep upright in their 1 inch heels: Yeah, I-I don’t really think heels are for me

Ranboo, pointing at them and walking flawlessly in sparkly golden 6 inch heels: WEAK.

-

Tubbo: Look. I may not be a saint, but it's not like I’ve killed anybody. I’m not an arsonist. I’ve never found a wallet outside of an IHOP and thought about returning it but saw the owner lived out of state so just took the cash and dropped the wallet back on the ground.

Ranboo: Okay, that's really specific, and that makes me think that you definitely did do that.

-

Tubbo: A theif.

Ranboo: Thief?

Tubbo: Theif.

Ranboo: I before E, except after C.

Tubbo: Thceif.

Ranboo: No.

-

Tubbo: I made tea.

Ranboo: I don’t want tea.

Tubbo: I did not make tea for you. This is my tea.

Ranboo: Then why are you telling me?

Tubbo: It is a conversation starter.

Ranboo: That’s a lousy conversation starter.

Tubbo: Oh, is it? We are conversing. Checkmate.

-

Tubbo: *Kicks the door down looking panicked*

Ranboo: What did you do?

Tubbo: Nobody died.

Ranboo: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

-

Tubbo: Ranboo and I have the kind of easy chemistry where we finish each other's-

Ranboo: Sentences.

Tubbo: Don't interrupt me.

-

Tubbo: You often use humor to deflect trauma

Ranboo: Thank you

Tubbo: I didn't say that was a good thing

Ranboo: What I'm hearing is, you think I'm funny

-

Tubbo: Change is inedible.

Ranboo: Don't you mean inevitable?

Tubbo, spitting out coins: No, I did not.

-

Tubbo, talking to Ranboo on the phone: Did you preheat the oven like I told you to?

Ranboo: You bet!

Tubbo: At what temperature?

Ranboo: 535.

Tubbo: That's the clock.

Ranboo:

Tubbo:

Ranboo: 536.

-

Chuckle Sandwich

Charlie, whispering to Ted, who’s on the phone with Schlatt: Ask them something!

Ted: How are you feeling?

Schlatt: Fine.

Charlie: Something personal!

Ted: At what age did you first get your period?

-

(The squad is trying to con some random guy)

Charlie: Um, Ted, why are you pretending I'm this guy's family?

Ted: We need money!

Charlie: You're scamming him?

Ted: I was thinking more like flat-out stealing from him?

Charlie: What?! No way!

Ted: Why not? We already stole Schlatt!

Schlatt: Hey guys

Charlie: No, we didn't. Schlatt can think and talk for themself, they can do whatever they want!

Schlatt: I wanna steal

-

Charlie: You have to apologize to Ted

Schlatt: Fine.

Schlatt: 'Unfuck you' or whatever.

-

Charlie: Hey Ted,

Ted: Yes?

Charlie: Can a person breathe inside a washing machine while it’s on?

Ted:

Ted: Where’s Schlatt?

-

Charlie: Are you sure this is the right direction?

Ted: Certainly, I'm as sure as I am honest!

Schlatt: In that case, we're definitely lost.

-

Charlie: If you had to choose between Ted and all the money I have in my wallet, which would you choose?

Schlatt: That depends, how much money are we talking about?

Ted: Schlatt!

Charlie: 63 cents.

Schlatt: I'll take the money.

Ted: SCHLATT!!!

-

Ted: If I accidentally sat on a voodoo doll of myself, would I be trapped forever in that position, doomed to starve to death?

Schlatt: How am I supposed to know?

Charlie: You say, as if we don’t use you as a source of knowledge.

Schlatt: *sighs*

Schlatt: You wouldn't be trapped.

-

Schlatt: Naturally, we are on the cutting edge of technology.

Ted, amazed: Wow...

Charlie, to Ted: Well what does that mean?

Ted: I don't know.

Ted, to Schlatt: What does that mean?

-

Ted: If Schlatt and I were drowning, who would you save?

Charlie: You two can’t swim?

Schlatt: It’s a hypothetical question, Charlie! who would you save?

Charlie: my time and effort.

-

Ted, driving Schlatt and Charlie: So how was your day?

Charlie: We almost got surprise adopted!

Ted: What?

Schlatt: We almost got kidnapped.

Ted: Oh, okay.

Ted: *slams on the breaks* WAIT WHAT?!

-

Ted: Sometimes I drink milk straight out of the container.

Schlatt: The cow???

Ted: What?

Charlie: Schlatt, W H Y?

Stiles: just rip it off. Like a band-aid

Liam: I'm in love with Theo

Stiles: put the band-aid back on

wilbur: how did you and phil first meet, anyways?

techno: oh, he was hitchhiking up from the hospital one night so i picked him up. he said thanks but how do you know i’m not a serial killer?

techno: so i said the chances of two serial killers being in the same car were astronomical.

Tommy: I mean, small creatures are way more vicious. It’s because their anger has less space to be bottled up in.

Wilbur: That’s ridiculous! Give me one example.

Tommy: Spiders.

Phil: Wasps.

Techno: Terriers.

Ranboo: Tubbo.

Everyone: *silence of stunned acceptance*

Philza: We’ve been conducting an ongoing study to see what Wilbur will and will not eat. Techno: Grass? Yes! Philza: Moss? Yes!! Techno: Leaves? Ohh, yes! Philza: Shoelaces? Strange but true! Techno: Worms? Sometimes! Philza: Rocks? Usually nah. Techno: Twigs? Usually! Philza: Tommy's cooking? Inconclusive! Tubbo: How did you… test this? Philza: You just hand him stuff and say ‘eat this’ and if he eats it, he eats it. Tubbo: ... I don’t know how to feel about this. Tommy: IS THAT WHERE ALL MY SPARE SHOELACES WENT?