Footsteps

I Am Slipping

I am slipping

Out of reach

And it’s freeing

But depression

Is slipping

Through the cracks

In my voice

My non binary

Voice of being

Gaily befuddled

I found myself

Laying on the floor

Staring at the ceiling

And that’s how I have conference meetings with depression

I want to

Be okay

With the present

But hold on a moment

I need to take

A call

A conference one

I want to feel real

Again

And I don’t know the next time I will  

I want to take a tired walk

To the kitchen

And smash a few

Plates

And fall

Into

A ghost’s arms

I cant always be my own hero

Super girl is only so good

I just might have to call up gut girl

Because she can at least stomach me at my worst

I feel behind in life

And its so hard

To not compare myself to others

Because maybe my life

Isn’t a highway

Like other people’s lives are

I’d much prefer to enjoy the view and stare at natural beauty

I don’t get

The constant rush

That society puts on us

Maybe that’s why I like to lay on the floor

And stare blankly at the ceiling

But then my thoughts start rolling like thunder

And the cycling begins…

Summer

Summer will not make me dumber

With no stress, I'm more depressed

Biased people with remainders of my past, in my brain it will never last

I can't breath; It's debilitating but I'm not suffocating

Give me a car and I'll take it far

Wishing things were different, kissing your black shoe

Waiting for that day, knowing you'll be hesitating

Waking up without a mission, then going fish'n

Feeling like you're not going to get there, life is only so fair

Dreamers with their silly fantasy dreams, fighting for them but not getting ice creams

They became depressed, while they were back in their nest

They stopped fighting, and tried rewriting

Their progress plateaued, and started the downhill flow

Then out of nowhere their flame relit, and found the way out of the pit

They wrote of sugar coated endings, to deal with the god sendings

Of summer never being a bummer

Autumn Falls

I'm blowing warmth into my hands, As autumn falls like the leaves belonging to it The wind has regained its chipperness My booted feet begin to get clumsy People who say you should keep your head, Up; don’t know what they are talking about There are some bad roots you have to look down for Unless you want to get knocked down again The leaves changed fast this year Some are already brown, dry and ready to be decomposed Where’s your warm hand I thought I was holding? Where did I lose my big coat? Were you on the ship I purposely deserted and sank? Good! That’s what I wanted, At the time Now I'm lost with my flannel shirt and my snaky soul My cold nose and my mittens that no longer fit Well, decisions will get you someplace in the woods My best days are long behind and far ahead At least I can’t see my breath yet I have to find my clearing on my own That will be tough but I got myself here, I have to get myself back out Autumn you will not make me fall!

Start New

There comes a time when you should knock the walls down

And start new, just in a reckless attempt to lose the frown

I can’t let go of the unhappy pictures on the wall

I had no choice but to slouch as everyone stood tall

Gravity loves me too much

I can’t let go of the addiction of your love

If only you didn’t have to be beyond and above

You gave me such a hope that will only lead me to failure

I need to just knock it down but I'm not ready

But living with rotting moldy wood could be deadly

There comes a time when you can’t keep replacing the beams

Of your self esteem

Scared Of Falling

Thanks to my ex I'm scared of falling Are you going to break me next? I don’t want to lead you on For me to start playing the love game would be wrong I'm scared of falling, For you I don’t even know if you and your girl are done brawling I do like your three sizes too big hat On the futon, I like where you sat For you I believe I'm falling for I'm just getting over the flu Oh Kyle, Are you going to leave me in a heart-broken pile? I believe I'm falling for, Kyle Which one of us is going to be the first to walk out the door? I really wonder if you write songs Have you ever played ping-pong? Kyle, You seem more down to earth I don’t mind if you hang around for a while Just know that I might not be ready To get with the worse than a soft, stuffed, teddy You seem more down to earth The way you looked at me I think you could tell what I'm worth No pressure is what you said, backstage You were on the same page The way you looked at me, Made me smile Would you mind if it sometimes felt as if I was trying to flee? Should I let myself fall? Or will I end up crippled and have to crawl? You made me smile Yes, you, Kyle For me would you go the extra mile? If so, would you stick around for a while?

The Reason Why I Fell

The reason why I'm about to fall

Is because I once stood tall

Just as quick and graceful as a fawn

You are gone

‘Twas all but a dream

You secretly made me beam

Even though I shuddered

And muttered

You were so patient like the paper I leak ink on

You are gone

Big sister

Now you're a big blister

That I will never fully comprehend

A message I might send

But I know I will slip away like sand

In your pretty young hands

I felt so safe

But now I feel the chafe

We had fun

What's done is done

‘Twas all but a silly nightmare

‘Twas just a tear,

In the page,

Of a script who’s fate was to drift off stage

And that was the reason why I fell

Into this well

At dark dawn

I am gone...

I’m In For The Ride

I find it funny that

White roses tarnish with age

I'm scared my love

Will have wrinkles the next time I will meet

Will it be you or me at the welcome mat?

Maybe I will keep your coat hanger for my rage

Like Cinderella shoe, or someone’s glove

I keep your writing as a treat

I'm in need of a deep conversation

And I think you'd be perfection

I wonder your thoughts on bottling up fear

And using the pressure like a Coke and Mentos rocket

Blast off with irritation

And safety goggles for protection

We could talk about what we think of Shakespeare

And girls pockets

When it comes to talking

I just don’t know how or where to start

Maybe I'm in need of a brave summer vacation

I have don’t have many ideas though

I just have to keep a rolling and a rocking

I also have to learn how to part

With hesitation

Learn how to jump head first into something when people are saying no

I have to learn to not think, just do

Every time I go around I want to reach for the gold rings

And see everything I can see before I can’t see

I want to know that if I failed, at least I tried

I find it funny how we all do the same motions but are different each time we carry them through

How we change slowly and want and need different things

I'm scared and I want to break free to be me

Lets see where life will show me and take me to, I'm in for the ride

Camp Sloane

It felt like I started a new life

A good one

A happy one It was a life full of new people

And new experiences

That were better than ever before A life without popularity

A life built of trust

And support A new home

In tents and out of town

With a better view of the lovely stars Now I'm back in my town

Back to the same life

Back to the same person Back inside

Where the breeze does not blow

And where the sky is not as beautiful Back inside

Where there aren't any waterfalls

And yet I find my feet in the same shoes

Send It

I disappeared for awhile

So if you don’t recognize my name that’s why

Coming and going is sort of my style

(sigh)

If you can’t remember me you once called me deep

I’m basically your mini me, who refuses to go down without a fight

Aka internet creep (kidding)

Poetry is what I like to write

All this time I hope you didn’t have a strange hunch

I see another moon

Then there goes another month

I hope I’ll be able to put words on paper to you soon

You probably think that I fell off the face of the earth

I’m not done existing yet!

Two days we both hate but everyone else loves is the date of our birth

I hate pity so, over me don’t fret

I realize that even gut girl,

Doesn’t have real magic

And can’t save me from my world

I’m slowly breaking free of the chains that have had me trapped, full of rage I have had it

On my team

It’s just you and me

That’s not entirely true to this whole befuddling scheme

I’m not the only one with a forever scraped knee

Will I write back to you before I get old and grey?

For some reason I’m scared

Then before I know it there goes another day

Should I even care?

Writing I have forgotten how

Where is my “brave” voice?

Maybe you could understand this, Meow!

I’m starting to think that braveness is a crazy choice

I haven’t written to you in so long

Will writing to you be my fate?

Too good to be true, someday I bet you’ll be gone

I remind you of your younger self so at least you can strongly relate

For now I don’t think I’m brave enough

To reach you again

My feelings seem to be in cuffs

But even though I haven’t talked to you, I hope that we’re still good friends

You were my fog horn

While my strength was dwindled

Kept me from getting more torn

No more will I get swindled

You understand the weird problems with anxiety

And all of the faking

Sorry you saw me,

When I was breaking

I don’t like rooms with big unspoken elephants

After all there might be a goodish brain in my head

To win the war of hurtful words I must be more intelligent

Moons ago this is what should have been said!

This Cannot Be Natural

I want to stay

Cradled in between

Sweetly smooth melodies

Where I let my fingers go wandering freely

Humming the notes

That I did not take during calculus class

The reason was that I was busy dreaming of an impossible life

That’s what happens to me

When I feel stuck in between the bars without a single key

My signature move of not paying attention,

To the epsilon-delta definition of a limit

And honestly, I might have just found my mathematical limit of brain power

The tone of my voice has gotten beaten down

I cannot learn at this fast tempo

For the next bunch of weeks, I'm stuck with the strings attached

I try to simply count it out but it doesn’t add up

I don’t know how to measure

The slope of my own tangents

I put my signature on a piece of paper that says

This summer class requires a ton of deadication or it could easily result in failure

And now I feel

The sharp pain

That makes me fall flat

On my back

I can feel the anxious vibrato

Building up in my hands

Maybe I need a rest

This cannot be natural