Entry #11, 8/17/19

Entry #10, 8/8/19

So as you might know: I'm a German. And you might also know that Germany started and was involved in quite some wars. Now, let me state my case:

There was a plane/drone/helicopter flying very, very low. It kept on flying over ''my'' part of the city, and only that part. I am so fkn paranoid when it comes to war and apocalypses and all that, so I am currently trying to figure out what it was. I know, I'm making wayy too much drama, but I'm just very very very careful when it comes to these kind of things. Plus, another worrying fact: it's 2 in the morning. Everything is pitch black. That was the only sound to be heard in the silence of the night, and I goddamn hate it.

I decided to actually do publish it, because why not?

Entry #33, 14/4/20

I’m so sorry I stopped updating! I kinda forgot I had a blog--- but I’ll try to remember and update more often from now on!

Anyway... a quick summary of what happened (of course with the help of my diary because I forget everything way too fast):

1.: Me and my ‘‘best’‘ friend Cel stopped talking. She barely has any time anymore, so I gave up on trying to contact her. I told her how i felt about the whole situation, and kinda--- emotionally detached from her again?? I came to terms with the fact that we won’t talk anymore, but instead of breaking off contact I decided to keep her as a ‘‘friend’‘ for roleplaying, cuz she’s the only one I have a bnha-roleplay with.

2.: The guy from the German equivalent of child services was here twice, and we’ll probably get the family-helper peeps after this whole ‘‘situation’‘ with the pandemic is over.

3.: Pesto (my ex-bestie) texted me a while back. I said i would give him a second chance, but honestly... I was really disappointed when I found out he hadn’t killed himself. I tried to make him do it passive-aggressively, but he got a gf and his mental health was very good in general, so I’ll just wait until he has another depressive-episode (he’s bipolar)...

4.: A guy from my school, that I literally talked to once before and that we’ll call Dennis, asked a good friend of mine (Freddie) if he could get my number. Freddie told me and asked if I was okay with him giving Dennis my number, I said yes... big mistake. Dennis started texting me every twenty minutes, it got really annoying, but I was too scared to hurt his feeling, so I didn’t tell him off. He started talking to me in school too, gave me a drawing (a bad one at that) and just made me really uncomfortable in general. After getting a bit of advice from a couple other girls I told him I was uncomfortable with texting him, he said he understood, but was clearly hurt by what I said (I tried to be as nice as possible!). Anyway, I’m glad I don’t have to deal with him right now... >~<°

5.: I got an interview for a politics-project I need for school. It went well, I got all the info I needed, yeet.

And since I’m a meanie, I saved the best for last:

I got a girlfriend!~~ (31.3.20 UwU) She’s in all of the discord servers I’m in, and even before we got together we talked super often and complimented each other constantly... She’s super cute! Whenever I talk to her I feel so much lighter, happier and just overall better...~ and if you’d have asked past me if I could ever imagine getting a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend as my first ever relationship, I’d have shouted ‘‘No way!’‘- and now look where that got me. It’s not even like I was homophobic, I just thought it was weird for me to like a girl because that’s just how I was raised. (My gramps was a really religious christian, and of course the whole ‘‘very religious grandpa’‘ stereotype wouldn’t be complete without a heaping pile of homophobia...) Now I’m happily in love, I even imagined how awesome it would be to move in together, adopt a kid and get married... which I never could before (with anyone, not just girls) without feeling a little weird about it. But now I can imagine all I want and even feel like it’s the right thing to do!~ God, I could go on and on about how much I love her... <3

There’s something else I want to address as well tho, so no can do. I got into a fight with my mother just a couple days ago, and I’m giving her the Todoroki-Treatment again (I talk to her as little as possible, and when I do, I have a monotone voice and neutral expression). She accused me of so many things I didn’t do, and even said to my face that I was born as [deadname] and will always stay [deadname]. I’m using the word deadname not because I’m trans (cuz that’s where it’s actually supposed to be used), but because I hate the name I was born with and don’t want to be addressed with the name that I link so many bad memories with. The very next day, she took away my phone and laptop because I was ‘’disrespectful’‘. The day after that, (12.4.20, Easter+ my little sister’s b-day) she wanted to talk about what happened again and admitted she was wrong. She apologized, even wrote ‘‘Mary’‘ on an egg custom-filled with chocolate to ‘‘buy’‘ my happiness in a way. Didn’t work. She was just being really pathetic... like always after a fight when she ‘’regrets saying those things and that she actually didn’t mean them’‘. I’m just in complete control whenever that happens, and it’s really awesome bc I can make her feel really bad by just not talking to her lmao-

Anyway, that was all that happened. I’ll let you know when something interesting is going on. Bai! ^^

Entry #3

The weather didn't change. It's 17:00 at the time I'm writing this, and there's not really anything else to do.

My other best friend has fever, but it's gotten better over the past few days. She had a few fever hallucinations, but that might also be because of her schizophrenia, and that it's ''mixing'' with the fever. It's very hot where she lives as well right now, so she has a chance of getting worse. But she seems to be doing quite well up until now, so let's just hope it'll stay like that.

I think I might actually finish my diary in the next week, maybe even this week, who knows. Then I can finally start the new one! I might post a picture of the new diary later, when I start using it. But until then, it's gonna stay a secret.

I'll keep you up to date, bye ^^

Side entry #1, 9/10/19

The fifth grader I talked about, that looked like me, you remember her, right? Turns out she's growing to be more like me; she has a little- twist, let's call it that- and already wanted to stab someone in the hand with her scissors. I couldn't be prouder. Such great potential, in such a small human... a fragile one for the time being. But she'll grow stronger, I know it, I can feel it...

Entry #8, 8/5/19

I kept up the schedule. Right now I'm waiting for Pesto to start the stream. Yes, he streams. For 12 hours straight today, from 10 am to 10 pm. And 10 am is in 16 minutes.

Sophie is at her other best friend's today. From 10:30 am to 9 pm. So I basically have the whole day for myself. Finally, some alone time, and since my mother and sister are in a nearby town today, I have the flat for myself too. This day is gonna be very quiet and very relaxing...

Outside in our garden are some gardeners, they are taking care of the bushes. It was high time they've got trimmed.

Nothing else was happening. I may ''upload'' a very basic sketch I did later. But for now:

Goodbye, I'll seeya ''around''! ^^

Entry #17, 9/15/19

Ah, my big sis just asked if we were home. I don't know why, I just kind of... get uncomfortable talking to her. It's more of a forced niceness, I don't really trust her... she's asking a lot of questions, too. I mean yes, it's okay to ask, but she's just so... blunt about it. And she wants to know everything. Not just some things, no, every information there might be. And I can't tell anyone near me about this because they'll judge me. ''She just cares about you'' ''stop being so sensitive'' ''she just wants to be up to date'', heard it all before. On other occasions, that is, since I never told anyone about this. And I feel way better now I got this off my chest... emotions are such a weird thing, aren't they?

I don't get the whole point of emotions. They say ''the positive emotions you feel make life worth living''. Does that mean my life isn't worth living? I mean, they don't bring anything but pain and suffering, right? Ugh, I'm such an uneducated potato when it comes to things like this... I just don't get the whole point. Think about it, then tell me what you came up with. I'm curious to hear what others think.

Anyways, to the events of the past few days. Yesterday and the day before that I was outside, for at least three hours each day. It was fun being outside, away from everyone. I went to the fields nearby, watched the sun slowly but surely set over the woods, it was just so... beautiful... I love that place, and I'll definitely go again some time soon!

That was all. Goodbye!

Memories #1

Reminder: TW. Verbal and implied/threatened physical abuse, lying

It was just after I moved in with my sis. We were cleaning the room I would be staying in by chucking all of the furniture out of my window into one of those big containers, listening to Matt's music. We were all having good fun, I don't think she was mad or anything. It was mainly me and Matt working, but the kids helped. Back then, Maya wasn't as much of a little [nice person], but José didn't like me cuz he hadn't gotten used to me yet. Things seemed more or less normal, yet I couldn't help but feel a certain pressure. I thought it would get better over time. I thought maybe if I got used to the rules... and it was so big of a change... and with the new environment.... I should've listened to my intuition. I kept saying "It's too late to get out of it now, you're already here and started to renovate and everything", hoping I was wrong and it wouldn't be as bad. The change came gradually; at first, she was super sweet to me. Not even two months later she screamed at me for the first time and I got to see the best side of her. It's not that she hadn't chastised me before, but she never raised her voice like that.... or thrown kitchen utensils at me or the kids. As the children and I were on the ground, gathering the knives, forks and spoons on all fours, she kept screaming and throwing things, and that was the first time she threatened to hit me. She raised her hand to grab something else very close to me and I flinched. She berated me for it, saying I've never been hit before and so I shouldn't act like it, that I don't have the right to react that way. I don't remember much else from what she said, mainly calling us selfish and lazy (which, as you will notice, she did a lot) and reminding me that I could always move out if I don't want to comply with her rules (which is also something you'll hear a lot). The most memorable part of that entire situation is the fact that when she stopped screaming and came back from smoking outside, she smirked at me and said "Now you saw that I can get a bit mad sometimes." The idiot I was I told her it's fine. I didn't want her to get mad again. God, I was so scared, I wanted to get the hell out of there first chance I get. But then I kept getting deeper and deeper in the legal process of everything, and, in the end, I just,,,, didn't say anything. I kept lying to authorities to not cause any trouble. Telling CPS I'm doing great here, that we sometimes fight but only in the fashion normal for siblings, and every time I said something I would look at her for approval and to see if I had said something wrong. I didn't want to make her mad or look bad in front of these people.

Entry #22, part 2

And of course I forgot something. The whole ‘‘Pesto’‘ situation. Long story short, I confronted him, he told me that ‘‘If I wasn’t going to accept him the way he is, I should block him/ stop talking to him.’‘ For your information, I asked him to stop insulting the things I like to spend time on, he said ‘‘BuT iT’s SaRcAsM’‘ and that he ‘‘wouldn’t change himself for me’‘.

>>You’re being kinda rude, please stop<<

>>Oh so you don’t accept me for the person I am? I won’t change my way of talking. What makes you think I would? Just because you told me multiple times that I’m hurting your feelings and that I’m making you question your whole exsistence?<<

May I just quickly say this: he told me that pride flags are bullsh-, because only countries need flags. He made me, I’d even say forced me to throw away a bookmark I made by hand, with a lot of effort and love put into it, just because it had the Gay and Bi pride flag on it (each has their own side, so one side of it is rainbow colored and the other pink, purple and blue). I didn’t actually throw it away, I just put it somewhere I knew I’d find it later, and I’m currently using it again.

Needless to say, I wished him a long and happy life, and blocked him on every social media, including discord, but forgot to block his actual number, and he texted me a few minutes after, saying:

>>Great that you thought of doing this for longer and not telling me about it. For your information, no, I won’t have neither a happy nor a long life.<<

I explained that basically telling me he’d kill himself wouldn’t change my mind, that that’s just toxic of him to say and that I’ve made up my mind. I said my goodbyes once again, and lastly blocked him there too.

I’ve always been supportive, no matter what he did. I reassured him it was going to be fine, helped him to deepen the bond between him and a girl he liked/s, prevented him from comitting suicide and tried to be as good of a friend as I could be. Now, I’m just asking myself if I made him behave like that. Maybe he just copied my behavior? What if he lied to me, and I was actually a horrible person towards him? What if I was the toxic one in the friendship?

I’ll think about this and maybe update later on, I don’t know about it though. We’ll see. Anyways, thank you for letting me vent like this. I’ll see you soon, goodbye.