Entry #15, 9/10/19

Entry #22, part 2

And of course I forgot something. The whole ‘‘Pesto’‘ situation. Long story short, I confronted him, he told me that ‘‘If I wasn’t going to accept him the way he is, I should block him/ stop talking to him.’‘ For your information, I asked him to stop insulting the things I like to spend time on, he said ‘‘BuT iT’s SaRcAsM’‘ and that he ‘‘wouldn’t change himself for me’‘.

>>You’re being kinda rude, please stop<<

>>Oh so you don’t accept me for the person I am? I won’t change my way of talking. What makes you think I would? Just because you told me multiple times that I’m hurting your feelings and that I’m making you question your whole exsistence?<<

May I just quickly say this: he told me that pride flags are bullsh-, because only countries need flags. He made me, I’d even say forced me to throw away a bookmark I made by hand, with a lot of effort and love put into it, just because it had the Gay and Bi pride flag on it (each has their own side, so one side of it is rainbow colored and the other pink, purple and blue). I didn’t actually throw it away, I just put it somewhere I knew I’d find it later, and I’m currently using it again.

Needless to say, I wished him a long and happy life, and blocked him on every social media, including discord, but forgot to block his actual number, and he texted me a few minutes after, saying:

>>Great that you thought of doing this for longer and not telling me about it. For your information, no, I won’t have neither a happy nor a long life.<<

I explained that basically telling me he’d kill himself wouldn’t change my mind, that that’s just toxic of him to say and that I’ve made up my mind. I said my goodbyes once again, and lastly blocked him there too.

I’ve always been supportive, no matter what he did. I reassured him it was going to be fine, helped him to deepen the bond between him and a girl he liked/s, prevented him from comitting suicide and tried to be as good of a friend as I could be. Now, I’m just asking myself if I made him behave like that. Maybe he just copied my behavior? What if he lied to me, and I was actually a horrible person towards him? What if I was the toxic one in the friendship?

I’ll think about this and maybe update later on, I don’t know about it though. We’ll see. Anyways, thank you for letting me vent like this. I’ll see you soon, goodbye.

Entry #12, 9/1/19

Ah, if I'm here, I might as well... nothing has really happened. I've been at my therapist's. He told me to look around for some activities that include talking to people, since I don't really know anyone near me that I can talk to on a daily basis. I just don't trust my family members, or classmates. Nobody around me is to be trusted, they'll turn against me. I know that as a fact. They won't listen properly, and if they do they either make fun of me, or they don't try to help. They are not to be trusted.

Anyways. He (my therapist) told me, that I needed some human contact. In person. I don't know anyone around that likes me or that I like though,so that could get hard. I've decided I just take the compliments people give me. By that I mean I'll listen to my two best friends, I don't get compliments from anyone else.

Did I already let you know that I'd be getting away from my class, my problems, and almost everyone I know for a while? Just for about 3 or 4 weeks, but I'll be somewhere far away from my worries. I'll go to an island on the east coast, alongside my mother and sister. Fortunately, there'll be a psychologist, too, so I'll have someobe to turn to. I'm already saving up so I can give myself a bit of a luxury treatment, and I trust that it'll calm my nerves and make me stronger, at least for some time. My birthday is also in that time where I am gone, so I

Firstly won't have to worry about a party (even though I wasn't planning on celebrating in the first place), and

Secondly will be able to be all on my own that day. Sitting on the beach, watching the waves, listening to the calming sound of the sea... what an amazing picture. But of course, there could be rain on that exact day, or the beach is crowded, or, or, or. But I still hope it won't be that bad a day.

So, that's all I have to say. Goodbye, my friends, readers, and fellow humans. I'll see you around.

Entry #30, 11/1/20

Hewwo, my dear reader/s!~ I just wanted to give a quick update, instead of just leaving you out because nothing particularly interesting happened.

I found out a couple of my grades! I probably have a B in French, a B in chemistry, a D in German (it’s so hardddddd--) and probably the first B I ever got in English. On the report card, that is. I had plenty of B’s on minor tests and sometimes even exams. But it’s only the report for the first half-year (?), so it’s fine.

I just remembered! I have a ‘‘meeting’‘ with the principal of my school this Friday! He was talking to my mother a couple of days earlier, and she then told me that he’d asked for a chance to talk to me in his office, alone. As I probably let you know before, I don’t feel much, but right now, just thinking about it- I’m pretty sure I’m either nervous or excited! After all, no student ever talks to the principal, except for the ones that violated a school rule (i. e. smoking on school grounds, selling drugs, consuming alcohol etc.). It’s actually kinda something to be proud of... just like the fact that I talked to the mayor of my little village. How many people my age, or just in general, can say that about themselves? It might not seem very special to anyone except myself, but I think it’s an honor to even get that chance. Anyways!  I’m kinda scared as to what he wants to talk about. I mean it’s obvious that he wants to talk because of my school-changing plans, but.. what if he doesn’t understand me? What if he won’t allow me to do it without a more ‘’valid’’ reason? I’ve been told that I won’t be needing one, but it’s always better to be prepared for everything. I’ll also be meeting up with the principal of the new school soon. Of course he’ll be wanting to talk to me (or really any other new student) before accepting them, especially in the middle of the year. I just need to make a good impression, and my report card isn’t particularly bad, either... pretty average, tbh. I mostly have C’s and B’s, maybe two or three D’s... based on my grades I’d probably be accepted. Especially to a public school. But if I screw up the ‘‘interview’‘... it’s pretty obvious what will happen. Soooo I just gotta do my best, let my widest polite smile shine, and best not wear make-up. (’‘Normal’‘ make-up wouldn’t be bad, but I only wear eyeliner and dark-blue lipstick. If I wear that I’m sure to get kicked out after the first 10 minutes) Apropos lipstick: a bro of mine (let’s call him... Don) ordered me black lipstick, without me even asking for it. I was just complaining about a classmate of mine that wouldn’t mind his own damn business (and I quote: ‘‘You should stop wearing that. Either black or nothing.’‘ and yeah, I told him multiple times that I couldn’t find black lipstick in any store I was in, but did that stop him? nope), and Don asked me why I didn’t just order it online. I told him that my mother would never allow that (internet= bAd; typical gen x), but he was already looking for it on amazon to prove a point. He showed me, I repeated myself, and we changed the subject. Thursday he came to me and said the following:

‘‘It arrives on Saturday.’‘

That.

Nothing else.

That was the first thing he said.

I think you can imagine how confused I was. Apparently it was really easy to tell that I was confused, cuz he clarified what he meant, which just led to me being even more confused.

Why would he do that?

I didn’t ask him to do it... I never even implied that I wanted him to do it?? Why would he waste money on something for me? I mean yeah, he’s a nice dude, but it’s just fake like from everyone else, right? Oh. I know what he’s planning. He wants to make me believe that he likes me, just so he can tell his friends how pathetic I am for thinking that. Or he wants to make fun of me because of our financial situation. Or he just wants to give me hope or whatever and then ‘let me down’, just like everyone else always did. I mean.. what reason would there be for him to genuinely give me a gift? None. I’m not even funny enough for him to consider me his friend. We barely talk! I guess I better get ready for public humiliation on Monday...

Anyways, that’s it from me. I’ll tell you how it all went when it happened.

Regards and hugs,

~Mary~

P.S: I finally watched Sanders Sides, and I find it very funny! ^^ I’m thrilled to see the next episode!~

Side entry #2, 11/5/19

I forgot to write about halloween. Probably because it was just a day like any other in my life, except for the fact that I didn’t have to go to school. I was drawing, looking at my two Inktober drawings that I finished (Yes, those two were the only ones I actually started. I did not last long through Inktober.), and just trying to do the lineart on said drawings. I decided it would be better to just do/try it on one, since I’m still figuring out my art style and how thicc I want the lines to be on the darker and lighter spots of the drawing. I also continued reading my book (Warrior Cats, if I didn’t mention it before), and that was about it.

So all in all, my halloween wasn’t very eventful, but I’m glad it wasn’t. I prefer to either stay indoors or go outside and escape the world out in the fields, where I’m all by myself and able to practice sketching landscapes, while listening to the beautiful sound of absolutely no human soul around. And it was way, way too cold to actually do so, so I stayed inside my room, under my blanket. That is all for now, I hope I don’t forget anything again.

Thanks for reading, I’ll see you around if you decide to stay.

Another song I seem to like. Fortunately, it doesn't have vocals. I prefer songs without many vocals, or vocals I can't understand, so there's still room to imagine what it might be about or what might be happening.

I'm so very sorry to announce that I, Mary, am starting to watch ''a lot'' of shows and animes lately. My apologies.

Entry #26, 11/30/19

Greetings, void. I know, it’s been more than a week. Nonetheless, I want to give you a little summary of what I’ve been up to.

As I may have said, it was my birthday on the 23.11, the same day as Raph. That day was a Saturday, so I couldn’t congratulate him there. But the next Monday, I worked up the courage to talk to him and do it there. He thanked me; he sounded way nicer than I imagined. After that, we started talking a little. This now extended to the point where we mainly spend our time with each other rather than the other kids there. His little brother is still sticking around, and that is perfectly fine, he’s fun to be with. Whenever he’s not there, though, our talks get... pretty personal. He told me about a girl he liked a few months ago, and how he tried to get together with her, but he didn’t succeed. I don’t know if I should see that as a sign of trust or a sign of being in the friendzone, honestly. I mean we get along perfectly fine, his brother once slipped up a little about Raph caring about me, and we got really close, but... I’m still not sure if he does like me that way. This is only a vacation-crush anyway; ‘‘See where it leads and have a few experiences more, maybe think about it when you’re awake late at night.’‘ But I still do like him. He’s actually very caring and nice when you get to know him, and with the ‘‘I hate people’‘ thing, he meant that he rather is by himself than with others. But he actually seems to appreciate my presence. He waits for me and doesn’t just walk off, let’s me finish my sentences, etc etc. So all in all, a real nice guy. I’m thrilled to see where it goes, if it even goes any further.

And that is basically all that happened. I know, it’s not much, but I can’t change the fact my life is boring. Goodbye and goodnight!

-Mary

Entry #9, 8/7/19

I've finished Diary nr. 11. Number 12 is fortunately not blank on the inside, and has lines I can write on. I still think it's very pretty.

Pesto's gonna talk to his crush today, and they'll meet up soon. I hope the meetup will lead to more action between them.

Pesto has asked me, if I wanted to translate a script for him, and maybe I'll get the chance to voice act! It'd be awesome! I love voice acting.

Nothing more happened. Goodbye, seeya!

Entry #6

Pesto got together with his crush! After one and a half years of trying, he finally managed to win her over. I'm so proud of him! Now I'll just hope she makes him happy.

It's still really warm, but I'm able to sleep so it's fine, I guess.

Otherwise, nothing happened. Bao!

As I said earlier, I prefer no or foreign vocals, but of course there is always an exception. So here, have more good songs. Good in my opinion, that is. Pun intended.