Side Entry #2, 11/5/19

Entry #15, 9/10/19

Oooh, on my way to my therapist's. I'm thrilled to see his reaction when I tell him what happened because of a single, innocent question... and after I asked him not to mention it, too. But the past is in the past. It was only a week ago, yet... it wasn't his fault, so why would he have much of a reaction?

Entry #18, 9/16/19

Hello, fellow sinners. I'm currently in hell once again. I woke up waaay more tired than I went to sleep. I wonder what I did wrong? Maybe it was too cold? Or I didn't sleep enough? Maybe I'm just overreacting and I just slept bad? Nobody will truly ever know. But I don't care too much. In a few days I'll have forgotten this anyways, so why bother.

I'm reading a book about schizophrenia to block out the students in my class, trying to keep the conversations people try to strice up once in a month as short as possible, but still working on the assignments the teacher gives us. I know I'll be able to do this, it's the life I want. I don't want to be loud, I don't want to be forced to tell people why I don't want to talk, and no, nothing's ''wrong''. I just think that if I don't like you, why should I talk to you?

''No trust, No entry.''

That's my motto now. Yep, I'll be an edgy teenager to the ones that I don't like. But if I do like you? Hooooo boy, a whole different person. I'd even say the exact opposite. Outgoing, trying to be funny, flirty (even though it's just for fun, but heyyy) and sooo damn obsessed with Anime and Hamilton. I could easily one of those ''not like other girls'' girls, but I just think it's normal not to like make-up, or horses, or pink or stuff like that. It's not making anyone special. Everyone's different. The girls from my class just seem to be... exactly like those ''other girls'' that the girls that end up on r/notlikeothergirls describe. And that exact thing is so annoying! They love horses, make-up, pink and everything you could imagine that's called girly! Shoes, dresses, clothes in general, their favorite YouTuber is Bibisbeautypalace (a really famous make-up-lifestyle-etc Youtuber), the list goes on and on.

That was my rant for now. Goodbye, Sinnamon rolls!

Entry #9, 8/7/19

I've finished Diary nr. 11. Number 12 is fortunately not blank on the inside, and has lines I can write on. I still think it's very pretty.

Pesto's gonna talk to his crush today, and they'll meet up soon. I hope the meetup will lead to more action between them.

Pesto has asked me, if I wanted to translate a script for him, and maybe I'll get the chance to voice act! It'd be awesome! I love voice acting.

Nothing more happened. Goodbye, seeya!

Entry #17, 9/15/19

Ah, my big sis just asked if we were home. I don't know why, I just kind of... get uncomfortable talking to her. It's more of a forced niceness, I don't really trust her... she's asking a lot of questions, too. I mean yes, it's okay to ask, but she's just so... blunt about it. And she wants to know everything. Not just some things, no, every information there might be. And I can't tell anyone near me about this because they'll judge me. ''She just cares about you'' ''stop being so sensitive'' ''she just wants to be up to date'', heard it all before. On other occasions, that is, since I never told anyone about this. And I feel way better now I got this off my chest... emotions are such a weird thing, aren't they?

I don't get the whole point of emotions. They say ''the positive emotions you feel make life worth living''. Does that mean my life isn't worth living? I mean, they don't bring anything but pain and suffering, right? Ugh, I'm such an uneducated potato when it comes to things like this... I just don't get the whole point. Think about it, then tell me what you came up with. I'm curious to hear what others think.

Anyways, to the events of the past few days. Yesterday and the day before that I was outside, for at least three hours each day. It was fun being outside, away from everyone. I went to the fields nearby, watched the sun slowly but surely set over the woods, it was just so... beautiful... I love that place, and I'll definitely go again some time soon!

That was all. Goodbye!

As I said earlier, I prefer no or foreign vocals, but of course there is always an exception. So here, have more good songs. Good in my opinion, that is. Pun intended.

Entry #19, 9/26/19

Hello. In the past week I got new shoes, black ones, along with black fingerless mittens. I do have almost everything in black, except for my phone case. It's purple going over to blue, and I can't even put into words how much I can't stand it. It has the wrong colors, small (obviously fake) diamonds on the side, and it's overall too glittery. It maakes me want to puke, but as long as I don't have anything else, I'll have to live with it.

I started writing a little fanfiction out of boredom, and two of the three people I showed it to think it's good. I might publish it, but only here. There are too many people that follow my wattpad to post it there. Yes, I do consider 62 (I think?) too many. Nobody comes around here, so yeah. I'm already working on chapter two, and fortunately I'll have enough time for that on the weekend.

Me and Sophie started talking daily again. We're currently roleplaying, only boku no hero academia for now. Maybe Creepypasta will be a project for the future again, who knows?

Nothing else really happened, but there's a lot of exams coming up, but other than that there's no interesting thing to talk about anymore. So goodbye, readers.

Entry #31, 25/1/20

Heya, dear void! How’s it going? ^^ I thought I’d just quickly let you know about some stuff that happened recently, since it’s kinda important to understand the possible action that will be taken throughout the next few months.

Last Friday (17/1/20), I had a ‘meeting’ with my current school’s principal. He asked me why I wanted to change schools, why I thought I didn’t belong in the class and how my mental health was involved in the whole thing. At the start, he didn’t seem very fond of the idea, but was open to what I had to say. I thought h would say ‘no’, or try to keep me from doing it, but at the end of the whole thing he told me that he’d support me and even let me come back if the new school was worse.

After the meet-up, I told my mother that we had his approval, and she spoke to the school I want to change to. The teachers had a meeting where they discussed the situation, and if they had room for a new student. Everything depends on that, and if they decide that I would be too much, everything I did would have been a complete waste of time. But before I can officially change schools, I need to check out what the routine is like, anyways, so I can get a better picture of what it’ll be like, because right now I have no information about the schedule and stuff like that. Heck, I don’t even know when school starts! (My current starts at 7:40, ends at 12:45, and I’m usually home at about 13:20.) Ah, whatever. As for now I can’t do anything but wait anyways. Wish me luck...

~Mary

Entry #22, 11/5/19

Hello, everyone. I’ve found the time and ways to finally update. I got a laptop, and I’m still figuring out how to actually work with it, but I’m managing. At least I can continue writing my story without having to wait 5 hours for my computer to boot up and the program to start. I should probably add, that this is my first laptop since I could never really afford one, but my mother got this one (which was her old one before) fixed, and she has a new one. Hooray for me. Anyways. I wanted to let all of you (aka nobody in particular, just future me) know, that my tumblr app, which I used before to post and all, has an error that makes me unable to use it. That’s why I wasn’t able to post. But since I’ve got a solution for that problem now, I should be able to post more or less regularly.

Apart from that, not much has been going on. I am aware that I’m not doing enough for school and I didn’t do my homework, I should probably study right now rather than updating here, but am I going to do so? No, of course not. Why? Well, mainy because I don’t want to. I should bring some dicipline into my life, I know, but who needs dicipline when they can have fun? Or at least not be annoyed or unhappy. My personal opinion is, that you should do what makes you happy, but you should also work for your happiness. Nothing is free in this world.

Ah, another day, another rant. but I should (rather want to) lay down in my bed now, and probably either read or draw. I wish everyone a good night, evening or morning, goodbye.

Entry #30, 11/1/20

Hewwo, my dear reader/s!~ I just wanted to give a quick update, instead of just leaving you out because nothing particularly interesting happened.

I found out a couple of my grades! I probably have a B in French, a B in chemistry, a D in German (it’s so hardddddd--) and probably the first B I ever got in English. On the report card, that is. I had plenty of B’s on minor tests and sometimes even exams. But it’s only the report for the first half-year (?), so it’s fine.

I just remembered! I have a ‘‘meeting’‘ with the principal of my school this Friday! He was talking to my mother a couple of days earlier, and she then told me that he’d asked for a chance to talk to me in his office, alone. As I probably let you know before, I don’t feel much, but right now, just thinking about it- I’m pretty sure I’m either nervous or excited! After all, no student ever talks to the principal, except for the ones that violated a school rule (i. e. smoking on school grounds, selling drugs, consuming alcohol etc.). It’s actually kinda something to be proud of... just like the fact that I talked to the mayor of my little village. How many people my age, or just in general, can say that about themselves? It might not seem very special to anyone except myself, but I think it’s an honor to even get that chance. Anyways!  I’m kinda scared as to what he wants to talk about. I mean it’s obvious that he wants to talk because of my school-changing plans, but.. what if he doesn’t understand me? What if he won’t allow me to do it without a more ‘’valid’’ reason? I’ve been told that I won’t be needing one, but it’s always better to be prepared for everything. I’ll also be meeting up with the principal of the new school soon. Of course he’ll be wanting to talk to me (or really any other new student) before accepting them, especially in the middle of the year. I just need to make a good impression, and my report card isn’t particularly bad, either... pretty average, tbh. I mostly have C’s and B’s, maybe two or three D’s... based on my grades I’d probably be accepted. Especially to a public school. But if I screw up the ‘‘interview’‘... it’s pretty obvious what will happen. Soooo I just gotta do my best, let my widest polite smile shine, and best not wear make-up. (’‘Normal’‘ make-up wouldn’t be bad, but I only wear eyeliner and dark-blue lipstick. If I wear that I’m sure to get kicked out after the first 10 minutes) Apropos lipstick: a bro of mine (let’s call him... Don) ordered me black lipstick, without me even asking for it. I was just complaining about a classmate of mine that wouldn’t mind his own damn business (and I quote: ‘‘You should stop wearing that. Either black or nothing.’‘ and yeah, I told him multiple times that I couldn’t find black lipstick in any store I was in, but did that stop him? nope), and Don asked me why I didn’t just order it online. I told him that my mother would never allow that (internet= bAd; typical gen x), but he was already looking for it on amazon to prove a point. He showed me, I repeated myself, and we changed the subject. Thursday he came to me and said the following:

‘‘It arrives on Saturday.’‘

That.

Nothing else.

That was the first thing he said.

I think you can imagine how confused I was. Apparently it was really easy to tell that I was confused, cuz he clarified what he meant, which just led to me being even more confused.

Why would he do that?

I didn’t ask him to do it... I never even implied that I wanted him to do it?? Why would he waste money on something for me? I mean yeah, he’s a nice dude, but it’s just fake like from everyone else, right? Oh. I know what he’s planning. He wants to make me believe that he likes me, just so he can tell his friends how pathetic I am for thinking that. Or he wants to make fun of me because of our financial situation. Or he just wants to give me hope or whatever and then ‘let me down’, just like everyone else always did. I mean.. what reason would there be for him to genuinely give me a gift? None. I’m not even funny enough for him to consider me his friend. We barely talk! I guess I better get ready for public humiliation on Monday...

Anyways, that’s it from me. I’ll tell you how it all went when it happened.

Regards and hugs,

~Mary~

P.S: I finally watched Sanders Sides, and I find it very funny! ^^ I’m thrilled to see the next episode!~

Entry #12, 9/1/19

Ah, if I'm here, I might as well... nothing has really happened. I've been at my therapist's. He told me to look around for some activities that include talking to people, since I don't really know anyone near me that I can talk to on a daily basis. I just don't trust my family members, or classmates. Nobody around me is to be trusted, they'll turn against me. I know that as a fact. They won't listen properly, and if they do they either make fun of me, or they don't try to help. They are not to be trusted.

Anyways. He (my therapist) told me, that I needed some human contact. In person. I don't know anyone around that likes me or that I like though,so that could get hard. I've decided I just take the compliments people give me. By that I mean I'll listen to my two best friends, I don't get compliments from anyone else.

Did I already let you know that I'd be getting away from my class, my problems, and almost everyone I know for a while? Just for about 3 or 4 weeks, but I'll be somewhere far away from my worries. I'll go to an island on the east coast, alongside my mother and sister. Fortunately, there'll be a psychologist, too, so I'll have someobe to turn to. I'm already saving up so I can give myself a bit of a luxury treatment, and I trust that it'll calm my nerves and make me stronger, at least for some time. My birthday is also in that time where I am gone, so I

Firstly won't have to worry about a party (even though I wasn't planning on celebrating in the first place), and

Secondly will be able to be all on my own that day. Sitting on the beach, watching the waves, listening to the calming sound of the sea... what an amazing picture. But of course, there could be rain on that exact day, or the beach is crowded, or, or, or. But I still hope it won't be that bad a day.

So, that's all I have to say. Goodbye, my friends, readers, and fellow humans. I'll see you around.