Entry #22, 11/5/19

I'm so very sorry to announce that I, Mary, am starting to watch ''a lot'' of shows and animes lately. My apologies.

Side entry #2, 11/5/19

I forgot to write about halloween. Probably because it was just a day like any other in my life, except for the fact that I didn’t have to go to school. I was drawing, looking at my two Inktober drawings that I finished (Yes, those two were the only ones I actually started. I did not last long through Inktober.), and just trying to do the lineart on said drawings. I decided it would be better to just do/try it on one, since I’m still figuring out my art style and how thicc I want the lines to be on the darker and lighter spots of the drawing. I also continued reading my book (Warrior Cats, if I didn’t mention it before), and that was about it.

So all in all, my halloween wasn’t very eventful, but I’m glad it wasn’t. I prefer to either stay indoors or go outside and escape the world out in the fields, where I’m all by myself and able to practice sketching landscapes, while listening to the beautiful sound of absolutely no human soul around. And it was way, way too cold to actually do so, so I stayed inside my room, under my blanket. That is all for now, I hope I don’t forget anything again.

Thanks for reading, I’ll see you around if you decide to stay.

Entry #1

So... well I'm just going to start this blog as a kind of second diary, and since no one will ever even find this, I'm currently asking myself ''well why the hell not?''. So here I go...

Some background information first:

-Female

-Sexuality: questioning, but probably either bi or pan

-German

-No, I do not drink beer for every meal. In fact, I'm against drinking and smoking, but I don't give a floop if you do either or both

-I really don't care what other people do or like or think or whatever

-Except for anti-vaxxers and homophobes. Why, humans, why???

-I like Hamilton and Creepypasta, both a whole lot.

So, now that that's done... I guess I can start with the blog?

Alright. It's summer vacation, I'm basically in my room all day, talking to a friend or two...But today, I had to leave my comfy bed :( I went to the store, and I wasn't really expecting any heat at all, since it was quite cold in the part of Germland I live in, but of course the sun had to kill everything in a 100 kilometer radius. So it was flaming hot outside, and everyone I passed by looked either pissed or exhausted asf. When I came back from the store though, it just got way hotter, so I decided to lay in my bed and check whatever social media like the lazy ''person'' I am.

I'm also really hyped about finishing my diary. I have another one ''waiting'', so I can't wait to start that one. I did write a lot in it today, because I was so bored.

I also started drawing my OC Sophie, cuz why not? Not like I had anything better to do, anyways.

So yeah, that was my day. I'll maybe write again tomorrow, or just when something happens.

Entry #11, 8/17/19

School started again, and I volunteered as a helper for the 5th graders. And one of the girls was looking just like me when I was younger. She had the hair, the features, even the height. I didn't talk to her, because today was only the ceremony where the 5th graders are let into the school and introduced to their classmates, but from the look in her eyes I can tell that she's pretty damn innocent. Thinking that she can make friends left and right.... I hope she doesn't end up like me and gets bullied. I want her to be taken into the class softly, not thrown into the cold water like me. When I see the kids on Monday, I'll make sure they all know they can trust me with anything. I hate giving myself compliments, but I think I'm a pretty good listener. I don't give the best advice, but I still can help people out (somehow).

Moving on, I've been drawing a lot of flowers lately. I'll show you later, in a separate post. I'm not good, but I've improved quite a bit over the past couple of months.

Nothing else really happened, and since I could only spill tea about my neighbors, I'll just say

Peace out, my dude/ettes/(nonbinary word for dude)s!

Entry #26, 11/30/19

Greetings, void. I know, it’s been more than a week. Nonetheless, I want to give you a little summary of what I’ve been up to.

As I may have said, it was my birthday on the 23.11, the same day as Raph. That day was a Saturday, so I couldn’t congratulate him there. But the next Monday, I worked up the courage to talk to him and do it there. He thanked me; he sounded way nicer than I imagined. After that, we started talking a little. This now extended to the point where we mainly spend our time with each other rather than the other kids there. His little brother is still sticking around, and that is perfectly fine, he’s fun to be with. Whenever he’s not there, though, our talks get... pretty personal. He told me about a girl he liked a few months ago, and how he tried to get together with her, but he didn’t succeed. I don’t know if I should see that as a sign of trust or a sign of being in the friendzone, honestly. I mean we get along perfectly fine, his brother once slipped up a little about Raph caring about me, and we got really close, but... I’m still not sure if he does like me that way. This is only a vacation-crush anyway; ‘‘See where it leads and have a few experiences more, maybe think about it when you’re awake late at night.’‘ But I still do like him. He’s actually very caring and nice when you get to know him, and with the ‘‘I hate people’‘ thing, he meant that he rather is by himself than with others. But he actually seems to appreciate my presence. He waits for me and doesn’t just walk off, let’s me finish my sentences, etc etc. So all in all, a real nice guy. I’m thrilled to see where it goes, if it even goes any further.

And that is basically all that happened. I know, it’s not much, but I can’t change the fact my life is boring. Goodbye and goodnight!

-Mary

Entry #14, 9/10/19

I survived (obviously). The food was definitely not worth the price, but hey, at least it was edible. I should actually get ready for school right now (it turned 5:54 this second), but who cares. I just wanted to say that I'm alive, and stuff has been going easy on me. I'll go to my therapist later today, so that'll be something to look forward to.

Someone else apparently had my block recommend to them (or a post) again, and decided to like it. Why is this even shown to anyone? And in which universe would this be interesting?

Anyways, I'll go now. So bye!

What a beautiful day...

Entry #21, 22/10/19

Apologies for my inactivity. I was at my big sister's place, and for obvious reasons I had no time to keep you updated.

Now that that's all cleared up... I have news. I got alcohol markers today! (From Touch, if anyone's wondering.) They're my first ones, and I of course already tried them out. I'll show you the result in the following post, maybe I'll publish all the pictures I took (from sketch to shading). Depends on if I want to or not. I personally think it turned out alright for my first attempt, and the fact that I was kinda experimenting with the thickness of the fineliner and the darkness of the shadows. I'm actually surprised I got the sketch not to look like absolute garbage, unlike normally.

I've decided to question my friendship with Pesto. He made fun of my interests (especially watching Anime and reading Warrior Cats), always tries to make me stay in a call with him by saying

You're just going because you don't like me.

Even after I said I'm tired. I immediately thought of it as toxic behavior, but ignored it, not noticing how much I wanted to avoid any conversation.

Yep, that's pretty much everything that has happened.

I'll see you around!

-Mary

Entry #7

I started working out yesterday, and I kind of scheduled my days now. Until 5 pm: cleaning and free time, from 5-6 pm: working out, 6-7 (or 7:30) pm: cooking. I like my life more when it follows a schedule, since everything is planned through and nothing new comes my way. I need a structure in life, else I'll feel uncomfortable.

Pesto was just joking. He's not with her yet, but they get along better with every day. I'm really proud of him.

I started watching Boku no hero academia and Death note. They're good animes, I recommend checking them out someday.

I've got nothing left to say. Goodbye!

Entry #22, part 2

And of course I forgot something. The whole ‘‘Pesto’‘ situation. Long story short, I confronted him, he told me that ‘‘If I wasn’t going to accept him the way he is, I should block him/ stop talking to him.’‘ For your information, I asked him to stop insulting the things I like to spend time on, he said ‘‘BuT iT’s SaRcAsM’‘ and that he ‘‘wouldn’t change himself for me’‘.

>>You’re being kinda rude, please stop<<

>>Oh so you don’t accept me for the person I am? I won’t change my way of talking. What makes you think I would? Just because you told me multiple times that I’m hurting your feelings and that I’m making you question your whole exsistence?<<

May I just quickly say this: he told me that pride flags are bullsh-, because only countries need flags. He made me, I’d even say forced me to throw away a bookmark I made by hand, with a lot of effort and love put into it, just because it had the Gay and Bi pride flag on it (each has their own side, so one side of it is rainbow colored and the other pink, purple and blue). I didn’t actually throw it away, I just put it somewhere I knew I’d find it later, and I’m currently using it again.

Needless to say, I wished him a long and happy life, and blocked him on every social media, including discord, but forgot to block his actual number, and he texted me a few minutes after, saying:

>>Great that you thought of doing this for longer and not telling me about it. For your information, no, I won’t have neither a happy nor a long life.<<

I explained that basically telling me he’d kill himself wouldn’t change my mind, that that’s just toxic of him to say and that I’ve made up my mind. I said my goodbyes once again, and lastly blocked him there too.

I’ve always been supportive, no matter what he did. I reassured him it was going to be fine, helped him to deepen the bond between him and a girl he liked/s, prevented him from comitting suicide and tried to be as good of a friend as I could be. Now, I’m just asking myself if I made him behave like that. Maybe he just copied my behavior? What if he lied to me, and I was actually a horrible person towards him? What if I was the toxic one in the friendship?

I’ll think about this and maybe update later on, I don’t know about it though. We’ll see. Anyways, thank you for letting me vent like this. I’ll see you soon, goodbye.