Entry #27, Part 2
Entry #27, part 2
...until Yuri told us we were allowed to massage each others freely and as we wanted to. Raph asked me, if I wanted him to go on and take care of my shoulders, and of course I said yes. I mean, why should I miss out on a free relaxing program? XD As he was moving his hands along my back and shoulders, I closed my eyes and just listened to all of the sounds the kids around us made. Suddenly, I heard Yuri say my name, and that’s when I started to listen to her. >>... and Mary looks like she’s having the time of her life.<< HELL YEAH I WAS! It was so relaxing to have someone who genuinely cares about you sitting behind you... and so strangely unfamiliar, too. I don’t know, I guess I should find more people who care about me.
That afternoon, we met up again. But that time I needed help with math, and since he mentioned that he was good at it and we got along just fine (if you get the reference you get bonus points), I decided to ask him to help me. And he did! After we finished, we talked about music, and somehow drifted off, which led to him... hugging me. He. Hugged. Me. I cannot put into words how wanted I felt at that moment. More than I have for a very, very long time. Though, sadly I didn’t feel much... Anyways. About an hour after that, he went ‘home’. I accompanied him, and when we parted ways, we hugged again.
On the 3rd, Raph’s little brother and the little sister from a friend of mine thought it would be funny to push Raph’s and my head together as to make us kiss.
...it didn’t work. XD
Nothing else happened, until I was going for a walk on the beach at night. It was about.. 7 pm, and already dark outside. The clouds hung heavy in the sky, hiding the stars and the moon, tainting the sea a deep, dark brown-ish black. The horizon itself was a fulfilling black, turning lighter the higher one looked at the clouds. I adored the sight. As I went, I talked to myself like I usually do. That eventually led to me crying, becoming aware of how absolutely useless I was to everyone around me, how much I disappointed the ones that cared about me in a seemingly whole other world, a timeline long forgotten... and I may have let myself go too much. I cried like I haven’t in a long, long, long time. I don’t know if it was good to let out my feelings or stupid because someone could possibly have listened to my sobbing... normally, if I do cry, I cry in company of someone I trust or care about. And up until that day, I was physically not able to. I don’t know why, but I could never cry on my own. There always had to be someone. But maybe... I didn’t feel alone that night? Maybe I felt as if someone was with me, even when they were not physically there? I don’t know, and I don’t think I’ll find out any time soon, but it’s definitely worth thinking about.
On the 4th, me and Raph went to the beach together at night. The stars were shining brightly, brighter than I’ve ever seen them sparkle, the moon was more beautiful than I had it in mind... everything just seemed a lot brighter and better. We talked for about an hour, then his mother told him to come back to their room. I loved having him as my company. Even if it was very cold, I was determined to stay with him. And so I did. I even stayed on the bench a few minutes after he left, talking to myself again. But soon, it was too cold, so I went up to my room, too.
The 5th, 6th, 7th and 8th went without any notable events.
The 9th, though, was a good day for me. First, we went to a sports hall to do some sports. After that, we went back to the ‘daycare‘ and me and Raph just kinda... started cuddling? It was really nice, and time was going by way too fast, until... my commitment phobia kicked in. (I should probably tell you that I have commitment issues due to my HoRrIbLe past) I ignored it, tho, so I kinda forced myself into being happy, or feel comfortable... buuut that actually did the exact opposite. I felt pretty uncomfortable, but I ignored that too, so I could try and just let myself fall into the embrace, I guess? Honestly, I don’t regret it. I think I needed the cuddling, the intimacy towards another person. Something that I noticed was that he seemed very calm and relaxed. I think he enjoyed himself, too.
The next day was just stressful. I had to travel back home with ___ and my sister, and of course the two fought a lot. Anyways, that was the rest of my ‘vacation’. More information on what and how I’ve been doing for the past week in the next entry!
Mary out!~
More Posts from The-froggy-jester and Others
Entry #17, 9/15/19
Ah, my big sis just asked if we were home. I don't know why, I just kind of... get uncomfortable talking to her. It's more of a forced niceness, I don't really trust her... she's asking a lot of questions, too. I mean yes, it's okay to ask, but she's just so... blunt about it. And she wants to know everything. Not just some things, no, every information there might be. And I can't tell anyone near me about this because they'll judge me. ''She just cares about you'' ''stop being so sensitive'' ''she just wants to be up to date'', heard it all before. On other occasions, that is, since I never told anyone about this. And I feel way better now I got this off my chest... emotions are such a weird thing, aren't they?
I don't get the whole point of emotions. They say ''the positive emotions you feel make life worth living''. Does that mean my life isn't worth living? I mean, they don't bring anything but pain and suffering, right? Ugh, I'm such an uneducated potato when it comes to things like this... I just don't get the whole point. Think about it, then tell me what you came up with. I'm curious to hear what others think.
Anyways, to the events of the past few days. Yesterday and the day before that I was outside, for at least three hours each day. It was fun being outside, away from everyone. I went to the fields nearby, watched the sun slowly but surely set over the woods, it was just so... beautiful... I love that place, and I'll definitely go again some time soon!
That was all. Goodbye!
You didn't ask for it, but here you go anyway.
me, apologizing in advance
Entry #23, 11/12/19
Hello. Before I start today’s entry, I want to let you all know that my Wifi at home has been turned off. The Tumblr app on my phone has this weird pop-up bug, so that’s unfortunately not an alternative. I’m very sorry, and I hope you understand.
Anyways, onto the real deal: my day has been mediocre. I was in school, so that was one of the bad things, but at the same time I have been at my therapist’s, that was the only good thing. Apart from the fact that I can update, of course. I almost had to give a presentation to my class. Thankfully my teacher talked for too long, and it had to be cancelled. Unfortunately, the next date to do so will be on Thursday, so I’ll have to do it there. But since it leaves me with more time to practice my text, I am not complaining.
Next week, my sister, my mother and I will be going on vacation. We’re visiting a small island on the north-eastern end of Germany. I’ve been planning this for years, and now that it’s finally here... I am not fully realizing it. I know that it’ll happen, but my mind kind of... didn’t settle on it yet? (Does that make sense?) Nonetheless, I am still looking forward on being there. I love the sea, and even though I don’t really like going shopping, I still saved quite an amount of money. At least it’s a lot for me, but there are probably people that it’s nothing to. But I’m proud of myself for actually saving and not going out to spend it once I had a certain amount.
That’s it from me. Have a wonderful time until I can next update!
Yours truly,
Mary
Entry #24, 11/20/19
Greetings. I am currently on the ‘vacation’ I told you about in the last entry. The journey yesterday was beyond burdensome. My sister didn’t want to help move the luggage and basically just pouted the whole time, because ‘‘It’S tOo HeAvY’‘, and my mother (whom I will refer to as Voldemort from now on) was just there, not doing anything about my little sister’s laziness. Apparently (according what she said) I was a lazy piece of sh- when I watched over the remaining luggage instead of helping moving it around. Most likely because she had to help Voldemort.
After our arrival, though, things have been pretty great. I/We have a ‘‘flat’‘ in the second house; it has a small bathroom (but still big enough to fit a shower, toilet and sink), a bedroom with two beds and a table, and a ‘‘main area’‘, where there is another bed, two cupboards and a table. All in all, it would be pretty cozy and great... if there wasn’t my mother packing it with tons and tons of stuff. She has a cupboard full of food, even though we get served breakfast, lunch and dinner, and has packed 3, I repeat, 3 suitcases for her alone.
>>one is for arts and crafts, one is my luggage and one is for your very thick clothing.<<, she said. I think now might be the appropriate time to inform you that I packed my own suitcase with everything I need. After all, I am old enough to pack my own clothes etc.
Moving on to today: I woke up at 6.30, went to have breakfast, then straight to the ‘‘school’‘, only to be greeted by about 15 kids under the age of 11. I did the only thing I could think of, and sat down at a lonely table in the corner of the room. Only a few minutes later, a kid sat down next to me and we just kinda started to play a random game. Soon after, another boy (about 9) sat down with us and just joined the game. The entire group then sat in a circle, and we started telling each other our names. I don’t remember many of them, but there was one boy that stood out. After saying his name, he stated that he would turn 14 in three days (just like me), and just said that he hates people. It was too relatable to actually be true. And as if that wasn’t enough, he also has a little sibling of his own gender (just like me #2). I don’t know his brothers name, though. Nor his last name. But I will hopefully find out soon. Why not stalk him a little, eh?~
Ah, it’s getting late. I will go to bed now, goodbye and goodnight you beautiful people~
Mary out~
What a beautiful day...
Entry #7
I started working out yesterday, and I kind of scheduled my days now. Until 5 pm: cleaning and free time, from 5-6 pm: working out, 6-7 (or 7:30) pm: cooking. I like my life more when it follows a schedule, since everything is planned through and nothing new comes my way. I need a structure in life, else I'll feel uncomfortable.
Pesto was just joking. He's not with her yet, but they get along better with every day. I'm really proud of him.
I started watching Boku no hero academia and Death note. They're good animes, I recommend checking them out someday.
I've got nothing left to say. Goodbye!
I'm so very sorry to announce that I, Mary, am starting to watch ''a lot'' of shows and animes lately. My apologies.
Entry #29, p.3
Welp, this one is going to be short. So: nothing really happened on the majority of the 26th, but at about 6pm, when 0 went to take a shower, * and ___ got into a huge argument. Before it started me and my niece were in the kitchen with the two. I was drawing, my niece watched me, everything was going good. But then * started to tell my mother about how the behavior of 0 is unacceptable for someone her age and that she’s getting treated like a princess etc. My mother (obviously) denied it, and then they started yelling in Spanish. *’s boyfriend got my niece out of the kitchen and went to watch a movie with her and my nephew. I just sat at the table, silently looking down at my sketchbook, a blank expression on my face... I didn’t know what to do. I hate it when the adults, especially my family members, fight. I always feel so small and unimportant when they do... after a while, I felt like I’ve heard enough, but instead of going to the kids, I went up to my niece’s room and sat down there. I started talking to myself, crying, and soon enough I tried to calm myself down again. I felt like a helpless child, crying in the dark like that... and very pathetic. So, the only thing that came into my mind, was going to the others. After that, I was called into the kitchen, needed to apologize for how I talked to * while I was on vacation, then went back to watching the movie.
Aaaand that was everything. Nothing more happened, and honestly... I’m kinda glad about that. Cuz if something would’ve happened, it would’ve been something negative. So I’ll just say goodbye! Love ya :3
Happy new year, by the way! May it be better than any you ever had and bring you lots of love, luck and fortune!
I’ll see you, my lil Nekos~
~Mary~
