I Wanna Be The One Who You Think Of When You Look At The Moon Or The Shadow That You Miss At Night Can

found, and never lost again

a.k.a. with papers on the floor and ink bleeding on nothing, i say, “maybe words are not enough to describe you”

you are afternoon walks under the sun’s rage and we burn whenever, but it feels good like cold water caressing our skin, and we know we’re alright you are running on a sidewalk with laughter beating the sound of cars as background music, and the smell of meat pies that i love to eat you are the feeling of falling asleep after a tired day, and you are stolen kiss in the dark and heavenly giggles after our lips part you are lullabies at dawn and ballads on rainy days, and when i want to dance, i dance to your name, i dance to your heartbeat you are my wild love (the “i won’t” to my “why don’t you leave me”, and the “libre kita” to my “gutom ako”) and one day you’ll be the horrible smell of morning breath, you’ll be the glorious taste of morning coffee, you’ll be the unnecessary fights after eight o’clock, and the bouquet of exquisite roses waiting on the kitchen table at 15 past five, (the “take care” after “i’m off to work”, the “good night” after “i love you so much”, and the “midnight snack lang” after “saan ka pupunta?”) and you’ll still be my wild love, i’ll still be loving you, and writing about you, and you’ll still be my wild love (my “pangit ka”, my “damulag”, my “babuy”, my “love”)

(eusie.)

two things i thought about tonight

i.     The moon is painful to look at;     you, on the other hand,       make my heart ache when I stare at you.     How disturbing.

ii.      And it’s harsh, isn't it?          When someone you like        doesn't care about you?

(eusie.)

The next morning, they meander along the coastal trail for an hour or so. When the sun begins to rise, they stop to look over the water. [He] stands by the edge of the cliff, facing the sea. He — finally feeling the fatigue of the miles and the hours — is sitting with his back against a large rock.

The sunrise is a little more than a finger-smudge of pale blue, glimmering in the dark sky, but then it slowly brightens into a wide beacon of gold, like a snitch hovering on the horizon. And at last, it casts the first rays of brilliant light over the waves, outlining [him] sharply against the sky.

He stares at [his] silhouette for a long time, and it's only when [he] turns [his] head to gaze into the sun that he realises he's trying to pinpoint the exact moment he fell in love with [him].

It's a terrifying feeling. It's easy to lust after someone, to match their face to a missed heartbeat or a sharp intake of breath. It's easy to say, I want them because of the colour of their eyes, the lines of their body.

It's something else entirely to say, I want them because of the way they rest their hands on a steering wheel, the way they gaze out a window, the way they say my name.

— eleventy7, “Running on Air” (An excerpt)

POCKET DIARY 2012

An entry

It can only take a second      for lingering feelings      to slip into      your heart again

Just like how a flower      can bloom again      in a garden      you left to wither

— "14", y.g.

(eusie.)

i can taste the tears from the way you write and i can hear your heart cracking each time you speak

an excerpt from a poem i wrote and deleted, pt. 1 (eusie.)

“you wrote that?” / “you asked me to.”

a.k.a. i’m in love with allen’s love for lu

*

i can feel it as it slowly decays                 this isn't love anymore                               last night, the sky was starless could the moon still be enough to light up the darkness?

**

i can feel you slowly drowning away     are you still in love?                      last night, i heard you crying could i still be enough to stop you from aching?

(eusie.)

B.raV.O.

Dear (b    n),

You’re: another shade of perfect that won’t match with my skin; a walking perfect disaster (a soft, soft sin).

You’re: a little too late — but still a wonderful feel — of autumn bliss; another fairytale worth a poisoned apple kiss.

You’re: pale, yet rosy and gray; midnight rumblings of ‘stay stay stay.’

You’re: a loss of breath; a wrong kind of fret.

You’re: my wrong-timing, my would-have, my what-if; my probably, my maybe.

Yours,

(eusie.)

What does your URL mean?

Do you know the band, Mayday Parade? If yes, I bet you know their song, “You Be The Anchor That Keeps My Feet On The Ground, I’ll Be The Wings That Keep Your Heart In The Clouds“.

My URL is from its lyrics, the part in the chorus that says, Does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me? This like, spoke to me, or something.

Anyway, my original URL was supposed to be deafeningsilence but it was already taken so I removed the vowels instead. And I got dfnngslnc. If you know my other accounts, this was always my username.

But, at some point or years ago, I left tumblr. I deactiviated, but eventually I came back. My old URL though is not available anymore. So I added ths, which is “this” without the vowel i, and that’s how I got my URL now: thsdfnngslnc.

a feeling: “nothing lost but something missing”

my throat tastes of rust and i'm drunk on my tears

my cries dance on the rooftop and i'm a high tide on this silent night

there is a rustling inside of me that doesn't stop

and sometimes it ends up as an aching a yearning for an unknown

this skin keeps on burning and i’m still hurting

but i don’t why

(eusie.)

Old ones

Four years, and (almost probably) four months           — later,          used to be clear, now just more than a blur;          twitching every time these eyes are caught,          too many stories etched, and not even told;          hushed pleas are not pleas at all, so why?;          loading bullets to a gun, waiting for the blow,          of a mention of a name, of anything at all…;

Muffled screams inside these (five) throats          — saying,          old ones sure are gold, but old ones rust;          bombs threatening to fall, each close distance,          when will they decide to bury these bones?;

But, so far (it’s alright), it’s alright

(eusie.)