Tokidokioki - 🦈

— Clarice Lispector, from “Report on the Thing.”

Daddy Issues: Rambling #10

18th April 2022, 00:46

Rambling 10. How coincidental that I write about my father on the same number that is my birthday. Anyway, I have a problem that is very taboo. It concerns incest. I believe my father may have molested me as a child, but I cannot remember. My father did a lot of sketchy, sexual things when I was younger, but I can never remember them directly. My sister believes the same. It can’t just be my imagination. He did something, I just wish I could uncover what. I know it is my brain protecting me, but I just crave to know. I hate being none the wiser to things. I digress, that’s not the fucked up part. The fucked up part is now, whenever I’m masturbating, I picture my father raping me when I’m a child of maybe 6 or 7 years old. I like to pretend he’s touching me and comforting me that it’s “okay” and that “what I’m feeling is normal”. I pretend that he gets hard at the thought of me. I know what his penis looks like, I remember it hanging out his boxers when he was sleeping. I also remember momentarily touching myself to the sight of it, but stopping from the taboo. I don’t know what it is about my father that turns me on. I know it’s definitely a stockholm type of symptom, a consequence of sexual abuse, but I don’t know how to get rid of it. I’m not attracted to my father. He’s fat and ugly. Nothing, not a single thing, about him is attractive to me. Still, I can’t stop thinking about him overpowering me, or putting his penis in me while I’m sleeping. Whenever I have these thoughts, and especially if I cum to them, I have to wash myself afterwards. Sometimes I wash myself so many times that my skin turns red and blotchy. I feel disgusting. I feel like he has taken my virginity and yet, to my knowledge, I’m a virgin. Why is my mind corrupted by him like this? I haven’t seen him in years. The power he has over me is astounding. I wish he would just die both physically and inside my head. Leave me alone. Leave my body alone. I was just a child. I didn’t deserve that. I don’t deserve this.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

Zainab Aamir

Falling: Rambling #21

21st April 2022, 21:52

Do you know what I would really love to do? It’s like an itch beneath my skin that I cannot scratch. I really want to climb to the top of a really high building, a skyscraper, and simply fall off. I want to soar through the sky. I want to feel my hair flapping around me. My clothes thrashing in the wind. I want to fall and fall and fall, but I never want to hit the ground. I don’t want it to end. Just falling, falling, falling. Falling as fast as a bullet. I would smile, and I would outreach my arm. My fingertips would stretch upward towards the sky. And I would be so content. A paradise. A haven that I am weightless. I am free from pain, free from gravity. I am simply free. Falling and falling. Existing in the nonexistent. The place that one who was not supposed to exist should be.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

When did "Suicide is still an option" become a comforting thought ?

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Fever: Rambling #12

18th April 2022, 02:18

Do you know what else is incredibly annoying? The illness that is still in my body. To give you context, I got sick around mid January. Not covid, although it mimicked covid. It is almost May and I still have the damn sickness. Granted, my snotty nose and coughing is much less, but I still have a damn fever. It’s awful because I’m always freezing cold. I want to be known as the freezing cold person. It scratches a part of my eating disordered brain, “ooga booga, if you’re cold and pale, people will notice you and ask if you’re okay, ooga booga”. I don’t know, I guess I just want shot of this bug. I even got blood tests done last week (damn, I need to post a rambling about my health problems at some point), and the virus showed up in my blood. It was actually pretty scary because they phoned me and I thought they were going to tell me I had cancer or something. I shouldn’t have to worry about shit like this, I’m only 20.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

@ yungflowergun