— Clarice Lispector, from “Report on the Thing.”
The urge to become just a fucking horrible person. The urge to just destroy my own life and watch my own downfall. The urge to make everyone hate me and feel good while doing it. The urge to pretend I'm better then everyone when I know I'm the scum of the earth. I want to be so angry and mean, I want to scream at everyone, I want to make them feel how I feel when they do the same shit to me. But I'm so scared of losing everyone again. I can't stand being mean or hurtful because god damn it little me knows how revenge feels. They know what it feels like to switch the script and become the bully, they know what it feels like to watch others feel exactly what they felt. And they lost everyone. They lost everything. They wouldn't want me to do it again. But I'm so fed up, and I'm so bored of pretending I dont feel anger towards others. I'm tired of being pushed around again.
“it’s easier to love than to hate”
nope. not always. not for everyone. sometimes it’s easier to be angry. sometimes it’s easier to hate people and sometimes all you want to do is yell or scream or slam things about.
sometimes it takes a monumental effort to choose to be kind.
and that’s okay! you’re not broken if your default, easy option, is something that is often frowned upon. you’re not broken if you find it hard to do the right thing.
I’m proud of you for trying your best and for pushing through, despite the odds. I’m proud of you for working hard. I’m proud of you for still trying, even when you stuff up sometimes.
you’re allowed to find kindness and love hard.
you’re allowed to be kind for “the wrong reasons”.
you’re allowed to exist.
History Essay: Rambling #8
18th April 2022, 00:21
I’m proud of myself for once. I’ve written 1,000 words of my essay and I still have a week before it needs to be submitted. I’m never like this. I usually take two extensions on my essays so that I get two extra weeks to write (and then leave it until the day before it’s due still). My psychologist says it is ADHD. I think it’s just laziness, no motivation, and exhaustion. I don’t find things fun anymore. I have such a short attention span. I can’t even watch a 10 minute YouTube video without growing bored. It’s like growing up has sucked the colour from my life. Everything is grey. Food tastes like cardboard. The sun never shines. It is a permanent winter. I know the only reason I am doing my essay early is because I have so many other assignments I have to submit, but I am still proud of myself for actually doing it. The essay is about hierarchy and stratification in pre-modern Korea. It’s actually quite interesting. I’ve learned about the kolp’um system (bone ranks) and the yangban system (basically scholars). It was an amalgamation of aristocracy and bureaucracy. The funny thing is, I love to learn. I’m an intelligent person and doing nothing all day is boring and draining for me. Yet, I can never find the energy to actually study. Once again, I am a walking contradiction, and I just want to smash my head through a glass window.
~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)
Longtemps j'ai été jaloux
Et j'ai motivé mon action par envie
Envie d'avoir du style, du raffinement
Envie d'être autant exceptionnel Aujourd'hui, de mes 24 ans
J'ai comblé les besoins de ma convoitise
Sans m'apercevoir que je n'avais de réel besoin Me vient alors le doute, de la raison de mon existence
Sur cette Terre, si je n'ai de désir pur, ou de besoin à combler Et je ralentis La rue est lente
Et les feuilles semblent vivre
Et cet ivrogne en face
Je fais erreur, il habite ici
Et la lumière
Et la nature
Tout ça je le comprends
Je sens que le monde est à ma portée
Que je peux m'y glisser en assemblant mes notes
Que je saurais tout écrire, et trouver des vérités
Convaincu de mon unicité
Convaincu qu'un être unique n'existe que pour apprendre aux autres
Convaincu que je suis un être en devoir
Convaincu qu'on m'a mis ici pour devoir
Convaincu que je ne suis pas
Mais qu'on est bien ici Alors je marche vite
Je marche vite comme une proie qui s'exerce
La proie d'une force divine
Mais combien de temps peut on marcher vite ?
Combien de temps dure la volonté ?
Combien de temps dure la peur de marcher sur une feuille vivante ?
Combien de temps dure le désir, et enfin, son absence ? Je sens en moi l'appel au secours d'une personne saine
Dans un corps sain, un environnement sain
Qui a pourtant la force d'appeler un être qui saurait lui faire voir
Combien sa force la rend faible
Combien la lumière la rend aveugle
La force d'appeler un être qui pourra la briser
ugh i feel so pretty and feminine when i st4rve myself
I hate how the antisocial dial being cranked up to full volume makes me have the urge to claw my way out of my own skin. Everything is unbearably boring, annoying, or just not enough for me when I'm like this. Something I don't like happens? Rage. I manage to actually enjoy something? I have to bleed it dry in an attempt to feel satisfied. I won't be.
It's extremely hard to care about anything I say or do, and my ability to mask drops to just about nothing.
- Rift
Showering with open cuts hurt like hell
I'm so fucking sad it hurts. I honestly don't remember the last time I truly ever felt happy even as a small child. I remember feeling depressed but not knowing what that was. I felt such satisfaction from traumatic things, inflicting pain and violence, self torture and hatred. I don't know if I truly deserve to be happy I don't know what to do.
— Clarice Lispector, from “The Hour of the Star.”