I Think I'm Just Gonna- *stabs Myself*

Appetite: Rambling #17

19th April 2022, 14:52

My mum said that I’m getting my appetite back because I ate chocolate after dinner. It was Easter chocolate. Easter chocolate that she had bought for me. What do you want me to do? Just leave it until the due by date has gone by? Chocolate lasts for ages. Plus, what’s wrong with me wanting a little chocolate? I’m definitely more of a savoury person, but it’s nice to have chocolate every now and then. Especially during the Easter season. Also, the thing people forget is that I never lost my appetite. I was always hungry. I just never ate. Food is amazing, but it’s also the bane of my existence. I feel as though my entire life is based around my food. Counting calories. Starving myself. Throwing up. Eating too much. Checking my weight. Reading mean-spo. I just want to be able to eat food without feeling like it is going to ruin my appearance.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

Get on your knees and sell me your soul. Give me everything you have, offer every bit of yourself, every last drop of your divine energy—show me how desperate and determined you are for my affection, love, and loyalty.

I would never actually take anything of yours… I just want to see you beg. I want to see the panic in your eyes and listen to you stumble over your words once you see me walking away.

“it’s easier to love than to hate”

nope. not always. not for everyone. sometimes it’s easier to be angry. sometimes it’s easier to hate people and sometimes all you want to do is yell or scream or slam things about.

sometimes it takes a monumental effort to choose to be kind.

and that’s okay! you’re not broken if your default, easy option, is something that is often frowned upon. you’re not broken if you find it hard to do the right thing.

I’m proud of you for trying your best and for pushing through, despite the odds. I’m proud of you for working hard. I’m proud of you for still trying, even when you stuff up sometimes.

you’re allowed to find kindness and love hard.

you’re allowed to be kind for “the wrong reasons”.

you’re allowed to exist.

the impulsive urge to hurt myself

bpd: dont ask for help you will just bother them again ur already an inconvenience they dont care they just feel sorry for you

me: u right

The saddest thing is when you are feeling real down, you look around and realize that there is no shoulder for you.

“What if I slept a little more and forgot about all this nonsense.”

— Franz Kafka

All my relationships are temporary.

I've never had a long time friend, no one has even been around me for more than a few years. I don't miss them, I have no drive to keep in contact.

I lose interest and move on, even the people I know now, I have no motivation to talk to them. Despite the fact I could keep the friendship alive. It just, feels like a dead weight.

Seeing people talk about the relationships they have, their close companions, people they trust and actually know. I'm not human, not in the way other people are.