"get A Load Of This Guy"

Okay we’ve all heard the “Batman adopts Billy” thing. Which, yeah, it’s fun cause of BATson and Billy being an orphan with black hair and blue eyes, but hear me out…

Billy somehow ends up in Gotham’s streets (magic shenanigans) and since he’s so obviously a street kid and he doesn’t have any records (cause of the time bubble, Fawcett is still just getting out of the 50s and into the modern world, so the files are a bit messy) so he’s snatched up by CPS

Billy gets fostered by Bruce, but as soon as they leave that kid alone, he’s climbing out a window and they never see him again (Magic and also people are hard to track in Fawcett)

So come Captain Marvel (Shazam) identity reveal, Batman’s blue screening cause THATS the kid that left the worlds greatest detective dumbfounded?

My headcanon for Cass's voice is that when she's having a normal conversation with you she keeps her sentences short and her voice even, there's a hint of a New Jersey accent and a hint of something else that no one can get right because it's the accent that comes from having body language as your mother tongue.

But if you get her angry. If you make her hiss or scream or really use her vocal chords that spent most of her life never being used... It sounds like the gates of hell have opened and fear itself is coming right out of her throat. The raspy, growling anger, the way her voice breaks and cracks as she screams... Getting Cass angry is one of the most harrowing experiences of your life not just because she can kick your ass but because her rage vocalises like the sound of the harshest of violins played by the devil himself screeching in fury.

we've done it again folks

Billy, whose parents died from being crushed by rocks in a buried tomb, watching as the wizard is killed by a massive rock falling onto him: oh…

Billy is just tumbling through the sky screaming while Freddy is on the ground recording him and can’t stop laughing

Billy hasn’t quiteeee mastered flying in his regular human form yet☁️

(Continuation of my last post ⬇️)

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AXE

What if Billy kept some of his powers in his human form? ⚡️

This made me cry and I don’t know how to feel about that…

Anna Haifisch

Mute billy

Wizard: “Say my name!” *closes eyes and raises hands*

Billy: *stares*

Wizard: *cracks one eye open* “Billy, say my name.”

Billy: *continues staring*

Wizard: “Billy??”

Somehow, The Wizard didn’t realize that throughout his entire speech about Billy becoming the Champion, Billy hadn’t said a word and just stared.

Wizard: “Billy… if you can speak, say my name-” *gets crushed by the stone thing*

And that’s how Billy went like a solid two weeks without transforming. By the end, he was teaming with magical energy so much so that he thought if he just moved to the wrong way, he’d explode. He knew you were supposed to say something, but since he couldn’t say anything, he had to find a way around it.

Billy: *walks into an alley and finds a piece of cardboard and scribbles the word Shazam on it*

Now, he was about to go back to the cave and see if he could just thrust the cardboard at the Wizard’s corpse and pray it will work. Unfortunately, it started raining halfway there.

Billy: *ducks into a different alley for a shortcut, and holds the cardboard above his head to block the rain*

Billy heard thunder, and then he was a grown ass man.

Zeus: ‘FINALLY! Sorry, kiddo, but I just took what I could get.’

Marvel: *confusion*

Solomon: ‘Billy, because you cannot speak, please just hold the cardboard above your head, so our friend- eh… colleague Zeus can see.’

And that’s how Billy gained the ability to transform. He went around being a hero and all that, he got to meet the Fawcett heroes and befriend them still.

Minute-Man: “Yeah, so I’ll take two scoops of chocolate.” *look to Marvel* “What do you want, big man?”

Marvel: *silence*

Minute-Man: *somehow understood his silence* “Right, and he’ll take a scoop of Rocky Road.”

They all developed a wordless understanding of the Cheese.

Then the bubble popped and Billy got to interact with people outside of the Fawcett heroes and Fawcitizens who were used to him being the big silent sunshine.

Marvel: *standing menacingly behind a Gothamite*

Gothamite: *slowly turns around, thinking they’re about to be bludgeoned to death by the next Bizarro*

Marvel: *points to their dog*

Gothamite: *now thinks their dog is about to be bludgeoned to death by the next Bizarro*

Marvel: *inches closer to the doggy*

Dog: *can sense its about to get pets and just loves it*

Gothamite: *confused as to why their dog isn’t literally whimpering in fear*

Marvel: *pets the doggy*

Gothamite: *confusion*

Marvel: *finishes, waves, and leaves*

or

JL: “Tell us who you are!”

Marvel: *just stares*

Spy Smasher: “His name is Captain Marvel, or Cap.”

Supes: “He couldn’t answer himself?”

Bulletman: “He can’t talk.”

Supes: “Oh.”

Batman: “That doesn’t answer who you all are. It’s not everyday a group of heroes just pops up-”

Spy Smasher: “SHUT THE HELL UP. We came before you kiddies!”

Marvel: *pats his shoulder looking at him like he’s crazy*

That was Billy’s way of saying “dude calm the hell down. Please.” Also, because Billy is mute, his face is extremely expressive. Marvel stared him into apologizing.

Spy Smasher: “I apologize for my outburst.”

Two words guys…. Uncle Dudley

Google Docs

Senior Citizen Smackdown Nominations

Force an elderly person into a cage fight by submitting their name below

This is the nominations form for the DC comics Senior Citizen Smackdown tournament.

Plot armor but it’s Bruce Wayne’s wealth.

Bruce is one of the richest men in the world. Bruce does not want to be one of the richest men in world.

He starts by implementing high starting salaries and full health care coverages for all levels at Wayne Enterprises. This in vastly improves retention and worker productivity, and WE profits soar. He increases PTO, grants generous parental and family leave, funds diversity initiatives, boosts salaries again. WE is ranked “#1 worker-friendly corporation”, and productively and profits soar again.

Ok, so clearly investing his workers isn’t the profit-destroying doomed strategy his peers claim it is. Bruce is going to keep doing it obviously (his next initiative is to ensure all part-time and contractors get the same benefits and pay as full time employees), but he is going to have to find a different way to dump his money.

But you know what else is supposed to be prohibitively expensive? Green and ethical initiatives. Yes, Bruce can do that. He creates and fund a 10 year plan to covert all Wayne facilities to renewable energy. He overhauls all factories to employ the best environmentally friendly practices and technologies. He cuts contracts with all suppliers that engage in unethical employment practices and pays for other to upgrade their equipment and facilities to meet WE’s new environmental and safety requirements. He spares no expense.

Yeah, Wayne Enterprises is so successful that they spin off an entire new business arm focused on helping other companies convert to environmentally friendly and safe practices like they did in an efficient, cost effective, successful way.

Admittedly, investing in his own company was probably never going to be the best way to get rid of his wealth. He slashes his own salary to a pittance (god knows he has more money than he could possibly know what to do with already) and keeps investing the profits back into the workers, and WE keeps responding with nearly terrifying success.

So WE is a no-go, and Bruce now has numerous angry billionaires on his back because they’ve been claiming all these measures he’s implementing are too expensive to justify for decades and they’re finding it a little hard to keep the wool over everyone’s eyes when Idiot Softheart Bruice Wayne has money spilling out his ears. BUT Bruce can invest in Gotham. That’ll go well, right?

Gotham’s infrastructure is the OSHA anti-Christ and even what little is up to code is constantly getting destroyed by Rogue attacks. Surely THAT will be a money sink.

Except the only non-corrupt employer in Gotham city is….Wayne Enterprises. Or contractors or companies or businesses that somehow, in some way or other, feed back to WE. Paying wholesale for improvement to Gotham’s infrastructure somehow increases WE’s profits.

Bruce funds a full system overhaul of Gotham hospital (it’s not his fault the best administrative system software is WE—he looked), he sets up foundations and trusts for shelters, free clinics, schools, meal plans, day care, literally anything he can think of.

Gotham continues to be a shithole. Bruce Wayne continues to be richer than god against his Batman-ingrained will.

Oh, and Bruice Wayne is no longer viewed as solely a spoiled idiot nepo baby. The public responds by investing in WE and anything else he owns, and stop doing this, please.

Bruce sets up a foundation to pay the college tuition of every Gotham citizen who applies. It’s so successful that within 10 years, donations from previous recipients more than cover incoming need, and Bruce can’t even donate to his own charity.

But by this time, Bruce has children. If he can’t get rid of his wealth, he can at least distribute it, right?

Except Dick Grayson absolutely refuses to receive any of his money, won’t touch his trust fund, and in fact has never been so successful and creative with his hacking skills as he is in dumping the money BACK on Bruce. Jason died and won’t legally resurrect to take his trust fund. Tim has his own inherited wealth, refuses to inherit more, and in fact happily joins forces with Dick to hack accounts and return whatever money he tries to give them. Cass has no concept of monetary wealth and gives him panicked, overwhelmed eyes whenever he so much as implies offering more than $100 at once. Damian is showing worrying signs of following in his precious Richard’s footsteps, and Babs barely allows him to fund tech for the Clocktower. At least Steph lets him pay for her tuition and uses his credit card to buy unholy amounts of Batburger. But that is hardly a drop in the ocean of Bruce’s wealth. And she won’t even accept a trust fund of only one million.

Jason wins for best-worst child though because he currently runs a very lucrative crime empire. And although he pours the vast, vast majority of his profits back into Crime Alley, whenever he gets a little too rich for his tastes, he dumps the money on Bruce. At this point, Bruce almost wishes he was being used for money laundering because then he’s at least not have the money.

So children—generous, kindhearted, stubborn till the day they die the little shits, children—are also out.

Bruce was funding the Justice League. But then finances were leaked, and the public had an outcry over one man holding so much sway over the world’s superheroes (nevermind Bruce is one of those superheroes—but the public can’t know that). So Bruce had to do some fancy PR trickery, concede to a policy of not receiving a majority of funds from one individual, and significantly decrease his contributions because no one could match his donations.

At his wits end, Bruce hires a team of accounts to search through every crinkle and crevice of tax law to find what loopholes or shortcuts can be avoided in order to pay his damn taxes to the MAX.

The results are horrifying. According to the strictest definition of the law, the government owes him money.

Bruce burns the report, buries any evidence as deeply as he can, and organizes a foundation to lobby for FAR higher taxation of the upper class.

All this, and Wayne Enterprises is happily chugging along, churning profit, expanding into new markets, growing in the stock market, and trying to force the credit and proportionate compensation on their increasingly horrified CEO.

Bruce Wayne is one of the richest men in the world. Bruce Wayne will never not be one of the richest men in the world.

But by GOD is he trying.

Love the idea that the rest of the batfam never knows what to expect with Cass and Dick. Monday they're a united eldest sibling front against Bruce's nonsense. Tuesday Cass walks into the cave and decks Dick in the face for reasons unknown to everyone else. Wednesday she's crying and he's comforting her. Thursday he's grumbling to Tim, Duke and Damian about how he can't be the only good older sibling example and it's not fucking fair that she gets away with all the bullshit she does. Friday they're back to being a united front against Bruce, who they've decided is the root of all their issues. Saturday they're sparring but it's so intense half the family wonder if they're fighting for real again. Sunday they work like a well oiled machine and solve 23 cases in one night. Monday the cycle repeats.