I Wish Things Werent So One Sided. Hes Probably Not Even Thinking About Me, Meanwhile He Consumes My

I'm always the last option, aren't I?

Everything is better now

(I am safe and this is consensual)

I hate having dreams. Why did I have a dream about him telling me he wants to know what I'm into so he knows how to play with me and him saying that he loves me and that he's attracted to me and wants to be with me forever. My head is fucking evil.

Need someone who can treat me as a pathetic dog 24/7. Need someone who will tell me what to do. Need someone who makes decisions for me. Need someone who punishes me when I don't obey. Need someone who pushes me into dog headspace when I'm resilient and refusing. Need someone who can clicker train me.

I need to be someone's pet. I need to be able to be a dog around someone 24/7. I need to be owned.

So scared of myself that I've chained myself to the bedpost out of reach of anything that could harm me.

I'm not even gonna lie. I think kidnapping would fix us. Having someone else control everything again, being hurt, things done against my will, being treated as a lesser.

Tbh it doesn't even need to be kidnapping, just any kind of abuse/control hits (heh.) the spot, kidnapping is just the best possible outcome.

I can't even sleep right anymore because i need someone telling me what to do. If I knew how to seek it out, I would. We used to be able to find anyone like this but now we have no idea. Someone put me out of my misery.

Did not drink. Need to drink if we get like this again. And it will be blackout drunk. I can't handle him even saying that thing's name.

I love needing to be dehumanised and needing to not have free will sooo much that it makes me want to end myself. It feels so wrong to be human, to do things without true purpose, to be able to go anywhere, make my own choices. I wish people understood this and would be willing to treat others in a way that's "unacceptable" in a societal aspect. Need to not be in control.

And right when you're in the middle of talking to me, you interrupt me to tell me you're getting a call from your "friend". I'm ignoring you for the rest of the night JUST for that.

I'm having a freak out. Idk if I'm splitting or what but I'm freaking out. And I'm purposefully ignoring him. I need to. I can't fucking deal with him right now. Not because of anything he's done I just. I can't do it. But I need him. I need him to feel stable. Fucking kayemess. I need more people to talk to. I need more people that can be there for me. I hate being in servers where I try so hard to be active and make friends, then vent my feelings and nobody fucking says anything. They just blank me. I'm so fucking close to the edge. I hate this.