I Hate Having Dreams. Why Did I Have A Dream About Him Telling Me He Wants To Know What I'm Into So He

I'm trying so hard to keep you here with me, but you just keep choosing other people over me. If I could treat you like dirt and make you cut off everyone you talk to like this, I would. If we didn't care so much about you, I'd order you to stop doing whatever you're doing and focus on me. It feels like you're taunting me, telling me you're going to others to seek out this kind of treatment. Maybe I should start talking to other people before you, and show you how it feels to be the last picked dog. The runt of the litter. Dumb mutt.

So scared of myself that I've chained myself to the bedpost out of reach of anything that could harm me.

I'm not even gonna lie. I think kidnapping would fix us. Having someone else control everything again, being hurt, things done against my will, being treated as a lesser.

Tbh it doesn't even need to be kidnapping, just any kind of abuse/control hits (heh.) the spot, kidnapping is just the best possible outcome.

I can't even sleep right anymore because i need someone telling me what to do. If I knew how to seek it out, I would. We used to be able to find anyone like this but now we have no idea. Someone put me out of my misery.

Did not drink. Need to drink if we get like this again. And it will be blackout drunk. I can't handle him even saying that thing's name.

Drawing based on things that happened this weekend... I love putting myself into source things instead of source me in source things.

I’d rather see you dead than with someone else.

I’m trying so hard not to feel this way, to hate him, to feel resentment. But it’s so hard when all he does is talk about that friend. Idk if I’m hurting because it’s so easy for him to make close connections with people, or if I’m hurting because the guy I need to be around 24/7 doesn’t want to be with me 24/7.

I need more friends. I wish it was easy for me to meet and talk to people. To be close to others.

I'm having a freak out. Idk if I'm splitting or what but I'm freaking out. And I'm purposefully ignoring him. I need to. I can't fucking deal with him right now. Not because of anything he's done I just. I can't do it. But I need him. I need him to feel stable. Fucking kayemess. I need more people to talk to. I need more people that can be there for me. I hate being in servers where I try so hard to be active and make friends, then vent my feelings and nobody fucking says anything. They just blank me. I'm so fucking close to the edge. I hate this.

I've got an odd feeling he's gonna do this again tonight. It wouldn't surprise me tbh. If he does, I'll be super mega upset tho.

No cuz I'm actually so pissed why didn't he tell me he wasn't gonna sleep call with me . Why didn't he say he was gonna be chilling out with someone else. I just want communication it's not fucking hard. I communicate everything to you and you don't communicate back. It's not fair.

Everything is better now

(I am safe and this is consensual)