We R Drinking And Having A Good Time And He's Soured It By Telling Me That His American Friend Was Sending

Hello tumblr.

Goodnight tumblr.

Vero/Kit . 21 . It/They/He

Autistic traumagenic did system with bpd. This is a blog for us to keep our stuff on. Maybe make friends idk. Mostly Vero probably.

Not going to censor anything we say (as this is going to act as a sort of "open communication line" as we don't have good internal communication), but will tag appropriately.

DNI: under 18s, gatekeepers, "disorder police", cringe haters

BYF: This blog will contain NSFW, trauma-sharing, fictional depictions of sensitive topics, self-harm discussions, favourite person discussions. Probably more, will try to add accordingly.

Frequent fronters:

Vero: host. Subhuman dogthing who has intense source ties (delusional.) and needs intense therapy. Copes with his source which is a fictional world we created.

93: autism holder. Likes webcore, viruscore, and old technology. Interact with care.

Coda: persecutor. Not good, lets put it that way. Usually only around if Vero is around.

Did not drink. Need to drink if we get like this again. And it will be blackout drunk. I can't handle him even saying that thing's name.

You have no idea i can't live without you. You have no idea my whole world revolves around you. Being around you fixes everything. Wish I could be around you all the time so I wouldn't have to pretend.

Listening to Glitter Porn's Mind Sick transition to Clown Dreams is an ethereal experience tbh.

I just realised I gave him the password to my iPad. That has tumblr logged in. On this account. I'll be damned if I let him anywhere NEAR this account. So glad I remembered before he arrived.

I hate having dreams. Why did I have a dream about him telling me he wants to know what I'm into so he knows how to play with me and him saying that he loves me and that he's attracted to me and wants to be with me forever. My head is fucking evil.

I'm so happy for him. I'm so happy he has friends. I'm so happy he can go out and hang out with people and be happy. But I'm not happy. Why is there somebody else he can be happy with. I'm his best friend. Why does it hurt so much. Is it the jealousy that I can't have relationships like that? That I can't make friends or have people that understand me/are on my wavelength? That all of my relationships are face-value/meaningless except for him, we have a deep connection, how can he have a deep connection with other people that he hasnt known very long? I have known him for 5 years, I'm the only friend he's had for so long, surely I have the privilege to be the only one that can make him happy?

I can't let him know I feel this way. I can't ruin my relationship with the only person I have. It fucking hurts whenever he talks about the friend he met abroad that's coming over to see him. When he talks about friends, about being in active group chats that he participates in with friends in his local area. Why can't I be in his local area. Why can't I visit him more than 3 times a year. Why can't he make the effort to come visit me like I make the effort to go visit him.

I'm serious when I say we have a deep connection, but it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

It's not fair. None of this is fair.

He's making me read their messages. I'm seething.

I'm not even gonna lie. I think kidnapping would fix us. Having someone else control everything again, being hurt, things done against my will, being treated as a lesser.

Tbh it doesn't even need to be kidnapping, just any kind of abuse/control hits (heh.) the spot, kidnapping is just the best possible outcome.

I can't even sleep right anymore because i need someone telling me what to do. If I knew how to seek it out, I would. We used to be able to find anyone like this but now we have no idea. Someone put me out of my misery.