Did I Ever Matter To You? Or Was I Just The End Game? A Prize? I Went Into This Relationship Thinking

You taught me that I should love myself first. That my happiness shouldn’t be rooted in another human. Because human love is doomed to fail from the very start and I should have ran away the first time.

I'd like to say that I'm alive. But I can't. I feel more like a ghost as I walk through the halls, my touch barely changing anything as I go past. My voice only a whisper in the wind as I yell for help out of the repeating hell. Because to be alive, you just be doing something extraordinary. Otherwise, you become something of a shadow left to watch as everyone forgets about you.

I'd love to feel alive

I never thought I'd be able to say that I don't love you anymore.

But now I can

Being happy hurts. It’s one truth of the world no one wishes to speak about. Being happy doesn’t allow for sadness. Being happy doesn’t allow for others to help you. And lord forbid that you actually say that you aren’t ‘happy’.

“But you have a such a good life”

I still look for you during my games even though we ended it months ago.

On the court or bench

I never thought missing someone could hurt so much. Then I lost you.

I'll be fine

How can you think I’m the most beautiful creature you've ever seen? I still can’t look myself in the eye in front of the mirror.

I’m starting to believe you

"I know I said it was fine, that I was alright with just being friends. But I'm not. I'm not fine with feeling the way I do when I know you don't anymore. I'm not fine with getting my hopes up about feelings that don't exist between us anymore, at least on your end. I'm not fine with the empty conversations and the awkward pauses because of what could have been. I miss you, but I won't come out and say it. Just know that when I said it was fine, it wasn't. I was just letting you be happy even if I wasn't."

- I still haven't deleted our photos yet

I’m sorry if I seem distant. I’m sorry that I keep apologizing about the little things I do. I’m sorry that sometimes I stumble over my words when I know what I want to say. I’m sorry that you had to order food for me sometimes because I was afraid to speak to the waiter. I’m sorry that I made this situation more awkward than it should have been. I’m sorry that I made whatever we had weird. I’m sorry that we became so close. I’m sorry that I upset you because you couldn’t make me happy anymore. I’m sorry that my mind decided to close itself off to you. I’m sorry that this bottle of pills is the only thing standing between me and happiness.

I’m sorry that I ruined you

"It's 2 in the morning and I wish you here. Stupid right..."

- 2 AM Thoughts (via. Wounded-writing)