I Can't Remember When There Was A Time Where I Could Say That I Was Fine With Out Lying. Nothing Seems

I'm going to be happy for you. Even if you go to her. I don't mind. I want to be happy even if you're being happy isn't with me. Because obviously I cannot bring you the same happiness you get when you are with her.

I'll pretend to be glad

I thought I knew what love was.  Love was sitting in my health class sophomore year. Love wouldn't date me until one of us could drive a car. Love played lacrosse and was a goalie, we bonded over that. Then college came 2 years later, and love left as quickly as it came.  Love became constant fights about pointless things. Love became jealous and controlling. Love ended at roughly 11:30 pm on a Tuesday night. Turns out I didn't know what love was. A month later, love's ugly cousin loneliness came in disguised as love. Loneliness was a scrawny blonde who tried to be "country". Loneliness couldn't play sports, but I was okay with that as long as I wasn't alone. Loneliness became an on and off relationship that I couldn't let go of because it had love's fond embrace. I used loneliness as an excuse to date. Loneliness left on Mother's Day around 11:30 AM, and I went to the store because I didn't know why I was so sad that loneliness, the one I had been begging myself to leave, was gone. Turns out, love also went to the store that day. Love had also just gotten out of a long term relationship. Love had texted me a few days prior to make fun of me because that was what love had done when we were friends in the past. This love was different than the love that sat in sophomore year health class. This love was sporadic 45 minute conversations in the most random places. This love popped up when I needed it the most at any point in my life. This love accepted me for who I am. Love has a fast car, and a motorcycle. Love knows I like to play with my hair. Love knows I don't get out much, but love is ok with that because he brings me to the most beautiful places. But between you and me, I don't care where this love takes me, because, I know what love is, and he treats me the right way and has the most beautiful hazel eyes and the cutest dimples I've ever seen. I know what love is because he sleeps next to me (almost) every night. I know what love is and he is the most authentic man I have ever met.

Love is in my thoughts 

I thought I'd be fine when you decided to leave. But here I am in a puddle of my own tears and trying to figure out to turn off these damned things called emotions.

2 AM Thoughts

I feel the safest when I'm wrapped up in your arms. The comedy show is just a background noise to the sound of your heart beat as I lay my head on your chest. Your arms feel so strong and your breaths remind that this is real. That I am here and you are with me, and that you are the one who makes me feel safe.

I spent the whole day with you

How to get the guy. A five step guide. Easy to follow instructions. Results may include but are not guaranteed to include butterflies in stomach, hypocrisy, fake laughs, fake smiles, jealousy, greed, true love, and a broken heart.

Is it really worth it

I never thought I'd be able to say that I don't love you anymore.

But now I can

Dear Expectations, You are always there when I need you the least. You make a simple task feel immensely impossible. You run my fingers raw while writing a paper, my mind to exhaustion to be absolute perfection, and my body to sleep deprivation in search of a grade no less than what I need to pass. In the search of a way around you, I stand in your shadow, unable to overtake the panic that you make arise in my chest, the pounding that never ceases until after the deadline has passed or my grade sealed in the grave that you have been helping me dig. your shadow isn't big enough to keep me inside, it is not bog enough to harbor the panic and the anxiety that you bring with you wherever you go. Following you like two hungry watch dogs, waiting for me to fall to the ground, to feast upon what is left.  While you are there to bring me up when I have to do my best, you bring an illusion of a silver lining making this seem worth it in the slightest sense. For the reward of praise is too much to ask from you when all you deal in deceit and terror.

With no love

I love the wind bringing me along with it was my feet and legs work together with my arms, turning over at a rate so fast it acts as my own heart beat. Pain that will only last for at least 20 minutes welcomes me in a strong embrace that I will kindly welcome, leaving the door open as long as it will come and go. I work for that pain so I can receive the pride of winning personal battles. Personal records will always come and go, but running will always be my one true love. For it works with my whole body, it tells me that it loves me, giving good days with good runs. Others I will get scolded for even trying to put on spikes that many other great runners have worn before, because my time is not now and will not happen. I must be ready to achieve the level of greatness that my love wants for me. My love makes me a lion, a hunter, but also a gazelle, gracefully adapted to what I know to do. My first love will give me gifts, perseverance and stamina to complete my goals, because he only wants the best for me. But he will also make my days difficult and proud. Giving me reason to continue going ahead. To continue to love him.

Why I run

She wasn’t used to all the attention. So when she felt she was safe to open up, she felt like she was suffocating those around her. And when she felt that she did enough damage, she became quiet. A ghost of herself, to scared to keep talking in fear of losing the ones she became so attached to.

I'm the girl. I'm the ghost.

"Do you ever think about what could've been?"

-2 A.M. Thoughts (via. Wounded-writing)