And He Has All Of Me - Blog Posts

hey so i have a new fic coming (gimmie a month) but in the meantime heres images of my childhood bedroom

i took some of them when i was trying to be happy there and i took some of them when we were trying to run away. i think about the second to last picture often. the sign above it said things worth believing in. i had been trying to fill it for months. i never got the chance to finish it.

every time i thought of something, if i stopped to think about it through goggles that acknowledged how vast and wicked the world could be, in that way you are overwhelmed by evil when you’re little, it never seemed worthy of putting faith in. i only ever managed to add to it when i was blind with happiness, and that came rather irregularly. i always felt guilty about it later; how dare you find bliss in pretty boys and sweets and silly indulgent giggles. i still feel that way sometimes.

i try and find bliss in it anyway now. i think to the voice in my head, “you’re just a child. there’s no sin in happiness. there’s no sin in happiness. tonight you will nick yourself while cooking. tomorrow you will spill a drink. those aren’t sins, either. they’re just reasons to find your bliss now.”

and then the voice says back, “you’re being very silly.” and i think “i can hear you trying not to laugh. it’s beautiful. you’re so beautiful. happiness isn’t a sin.”

the sign was hidden in the corner, with my hope chest and my closet. it was six pages of white construction paper. i never filled up more than 1/8th of a single sheet. i looked at it every night. the first few days, when it was empty, i’d stare at it till i fell asleep kneeling on the floor. my knees would wake me up with stabs of pain, and it felt like penance for being alive. i can’t ever convey how wonderful first putting a marker to that paper felt; the turquoise ink spreading fat, welcome.

i went to sleep in my own bed that night and i woke up the next morning and wondered if the world was really as bad as it felt; and i decided it couldn’t be all that bad. i forgot the decision quickly. for the seventeen minutes i held it, i felt peace.