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Ex Friends - Blog Posts
knowing that we’ve grown as people, and gone our separate ways, but being burdened by the knowledge that I once knew everything about them. going through life and seeing the little of things that remind me of them, and feeling that sharp feeling of nostalgia of what once was.
it reminds me that there was a time where I knew all of them, it saddens me that I no longer do. I hope they’re happy.
my ex friend bragged about knowing my address thinking I forgot I knew I just didn’t give a rats ass he not even like that the guy stutters out in public tf I gotta worry for 🧍🏽♀️
why did you have a crush on me? why did you keep pushing for sex when I said no multiple times? Why did you even like me? Why didn’t you listen to me when I spoke about my feelings? Why are you so selfish? Why are you an asshole? Why don’t you care? Why do you lie so much? Why are you delusional? We still could’ve been friends but you broke my trust and made me feel disgusted in myself, you brought back my disgust in sex you made me realize how much I hate my vagina again, why didn’t you listen why? Why are you telling people what they heard is a rumor knowing what you did? Why didn’t you listen? Why are you playing the victim again? I have a boyfriend why didn’t you listen? I don’t want to have sex with you why didn’t you listen? I don’t like you why didn’t you listen? I don’t secretly like you why didn’t you listen? I developed hatred for you because I realized you crossed my boundaries multiple times and I didn’t say much back then because I still wanted to be your friend but I’m human I could only take so much you made me mentally exhausted it was a chore to be your friend sometimes I didn’t even want to be on call with you because I knew you are sensitive and we would argue over nothing I hated the way you disrespected me over stupid arguments why didn’t you listen? Then I stopped caring I found new friends who didn’t treat me the way you did and I slowly stopped caring you, I would care if you listened the first time we still would’ve been friends, but after the people I met what is there to care about a friend who didn’t care about my feelings? Who played mind games? Who let me know my voice doesn’t matter? Who only cared when I threatened to leave? What is even the purpose of being my friend if your going to treat me this way, my new friends made me realize you are the problem and I didn’t deserve any of this my new friends gave me hope that I can form friendships with my disorder if you listened I would still be there with you, I would probably be on a call with you right now, we would probably be making jokes or I would make up a silly argument because those silly arguments were fun but I don’t trust you anymore you’ll probably sexualize me again and that makes me feel dirty like I have to shower why didn’t you listen?
So, this is for an ex-friend. My therapist just said it would be nice to share it, something about helping me let go... Anyway, it's a sad attempt of poetry <3
The saddest thing about all this is that my door will still be open for you. For any of the others that had walked away from it. Stubborn is the human heart that denies itself a closure. Because under all that scarring, under all that crying, under all that hurting anger, a part of me is still yours, and a part of you is still mine.
Do you remember? Do you remember me when you hear a laugh similar at mine? Do you think of me when you see someone with my same hairstyle? Do you smile as you remember a joke I said once? Do you cry when you realize we are no longer the same? We are no longer mirrors of each other. We don't keep the same images, the same time, the same looks. Do you feel as if a part of you is missing? I do. Every time I believe I hear you laugh, every time I hear someone talk about a series you liked, every time my mother asks how you are.
Why did we change? Why did we grow up? I still remember our positions on that table on the corner, how we shared a salt container because of how awful the food was. How we would play and talk and laugh. We would have philosophical talks. We would discuss the human and divine. We had all the answers and, at the same time, none. We were something and nothing.
Do the walls remember us? Does that table still remember which place each girl took? Do you think they would remember how we laughed? How we cried? How we would stress about simple things?
When life was simpler, when we were still great and proud. When we were infinite, star dust playing with other stars. When we believed in everything and how we would, someday, be great, and together, we would be unstoppable and uncontrollable. When there were four of us. When we were alive. When you were here.
Maybe it's just the human experience to break something so pure and leave it tainted. Split. On the verge of dying but not giving the final blow.
How do I explain it? How do I say to you how much it hurts? How do I tell you how mad it made me when you beg for me to squeeze back into my old self even though I grew out of it? I did it anyway. Because I believed you. Because I loved you. Because I thought, if I squeeze back, everything would be the same. And we would laugh, and we would sit back on that corner table that was ours and share our glorious days again.
I was wrong. I was mistaken. I was cheated. I squeezed back on my sheded skin only to find that you didn't care if I did. I felt a joke. I felt stupid. I feel mad and uncontrollably taunted.
What's worse, I still wait. Sheded skin on hand, I still wait. My mind sits back on our corner table, and I still wait. I wait for the other three glorious girls that I once called sisters. The girls that grew up with me and I believed would stay until I part this world. My life line. My home.
My home is broken. There's nothing that I can do to fix it. I weep. I've lost something too, and it is not coming back. It's gone with the sea and its powerful waves. I long for it, even though deep down I know, it won't come back.
I write this thinking of you, thinking of me, thinking of her, and thinking of she. Thinking of how we are now a past thing. A "used to". A picture hidden on the back of a closet. A faint brush of the past. I think of times when we were interwoven, so closely that others could barely perceive one without the others.
I weep a lost. I cry a missing star. I crave a hint that you are still you, that you still see me every time you close your eyes. I pray that you still feel them, how they used to laugh, how they used to talk, how they used to walk. I don't hate you, no matter what you think, I am mad, that much I will admit.
But I still have space for you, if you ever need a place to stay. The rooms of my heart might have been left, might have been forgotten, but they do not close. I'm too fond of them to tear them apart. Others may say I'm stupid for denying myself the satisfaction of closing the door and forbidden entry again, but I believe there's a certain charm on how the light still hits every spot you used to touch.
I find lovely the way the place fills of cobwebs and dust takes it seat in the places you hang out. How the room is still filled with your scent but now is old and feels cold. I might be stupid, but that hasn't stopped me before.
If you hear this, if you see this, if the wind or the moon is so gentle as to let you know I wrote this for you, please just know, you still have a room in my heart. Sure, now it's cold and dusty and full of melancholic cobwebs. But it's yours. No one, but you will use it. No one, but you can close it.
When your friend or ex-friend now says they don’t wanna be friends anymore because they find you too talkative and annoying
But you have to pretend you’re not gonna cry when she doesn’t sit next to you in your first class and you think she blocked you
Young Saddine and Young Sahuto ! ! They're like pirates ( demons ). Maybe later you would know more about his lore.
Bonus for spanish speakers: "Yo chingue y chingue que me tomen foto, la pose que hago:"
HAHAHAHA I was bored when I draw this ! ! This drawing is from January 2024. Oc: Sahuto and Saddine ( Young ). Note: Sahuto and Saddine were friends, but an incident ocurr and the friendship disapear...